the crystal in the moonlight

• Artist: evvethegreat
• Description: ayame thought she was a normal every day 14 year old girl, but when she comes acrost a sacred crystal necklace everything changes, one day she wakes up and realizes shes got big problems, especialy when she goes to the kitchen and sees a wolf eating out of the fridge, what happens next? well , lets not spiol it, its up to you to findout.
• Date: 11/27/2008
• Tags: crystal moonlight evvethegreat

heart CHAPTER 1 heart

ayame's alarm clock rang, ayame got out of bed got dressed and went downstaires, "now what to have for breakfast? mabey.......OH! i got it RAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said excitedly, she grabbed the leftovers and started to eat, she grabbed chopsticks, and she grabbed noodles wit the chopsticks, there was a medly of flavors hat greeted her, "YUM!" she sighed.she looked at the clock. it read 7:25 "oh crap! im gonna be late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she tossed the chopsticks and the bowl and grabbed her bag as she ran out the door.she ran down the street while hoding her skirt" why did TODAY have to be windy?!"she said annoyed.she ran down the street as quickly as possable, she got in the door just as the bell rang at 7:30 . its a good thing she was in track! she walked to her locker as she tried to catch her breath. she went to her first class with her bag. her first class was math. her teacher annpynced as everybody got seated "today were having a syuprise test! everyone groaned. ayame glanced to her right and looked lovingly at her crush, haru, as she stared lovingly the teacher passed out the test, haru answered all the questions best she could. when it was time to go ayame walked started to walk down the hall "hey ayame i need to talk to you." haru said.

to be continued

Comments

[evvethegreat]

actually you didn't insult me it kinda made me laugh, i have never been to japan but i want to, i just want my characters to have japanese names lol i guess they ar randomly japanese huh? XD but im not seriously writing, im just doing it for fun. but thank you for the tips

[AgentNeeb]

...show the character's feelings.

Next is the random insertion of Japanese names. Is the story set in Japan, or are all the characters randomly Japanese? Are you yourself Japanese (if it's set in Japan and have spent time there) and know what you're doing?

That part screams "weabo" to me.

However, the story seems interesting. I'm not insulting you. I'm helping you out. Hope I helped.

[AgentNeeb]

I've seen several run-on sentences, and somethings that are plain silly for a writer to insert. For example, multiple exclamation marks are unnecessary and make you look like an idiot (not saying you are, but seriously.) "RAMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Could have simple been replaced with:
"Oh, I got it. Ramen!"

See the difference in professionalism?

Also, please don't ever use random full capital letters. I understand that some words do need inflection upon to clearly s

[AgentNeeb]

To properly critique I will need several posts.

Let's start off simple.
There is a giant block of text that I will refuse to read more than halfway through. Please, please, please, PLEASE, use a new paragraph when someone else begins speaking.

Next is the lack of capitalization. For clarity, you should capitalize any words at the start of a sentence, as well as any proper nouns (like names.)

[evvethegreat]

thanks for the comments

[tweety_comes_to_haunt_u]

i love romen! i even had it today!
nice job on the part of the chapter sis!