• I was fresh out of high school, eighteen, free and engaged. Everyone had freaked out when they heard the news, but it was just like me to get married at such a young age. Derek was sweet, funny, romantic, loving, nice, everything I could have ever dreamed of. We moved into an apartment as soon as he turned of age.
    Morning light poured through the tiny bedroom. I woke up with warm arms cuddling with me. Rolling over I was greeted with a beautiful smiling face. “Morning, Sugar.” His lips grazed mine, and a smile crept onto my face. A shiver ran down my spine as he touched my back and hugged me tighter. I couldn’t wake up a better way. Oh my, it’s Saturday! No matter how much I just wanted to stay in bed and snuggle with my love, I really wanted to go to the mall. I jumped out of bed, startling Derek. “What’s wrong?” A worried look spread across his face.
    “Nothing!” My smile grew and my face glowed. Gosh, it was cold. I wrapped my arms around myself. Shorts and a tank top were not very warm pajamas to sleep in, in the middle of winter. I pranced towards the closet, swinging it open. “I want to go to the mall.”
    “The mall?” He leaned up onto his arm, “Why?”
    “I need more clothes.” I scrounged around in my over filling closet grabbing a pair of slightly ripped jeans and a black The Used tee-shirt.
    “More clothes?” He asked skeptically.
    “Yes! More clothes, and you’re going to buy me that new Shinedown CD.” The smile on my face growing bigger cause he can’t refuse to buy that CD that I’ve been raving about over a month.
    “Sure I am…” He rolled his eyes. I started to undress and slip into the clean clothes I had just dragged out. “Do we have to go shopping? I had some other ideas in mind…” Licking his lips he eyed my half naked body.
    I clutched a pair of clean black boxers out of his drawer and threw it at him. “Get dressed.” He smirked and did what I asked, pulling on a pair of worn out jeans and a My chemical Romance tee.
    The mall wasn’t that crowded as usual. Teenage guys gawking at teenage girls, and teenager drama dripping everywhere. Derek held me protectively by the waist, glaring at any guy to look at me. I enjoyed that. I lead him into Abercrombie. “Whoa. I’m not going in there, you know-”
    “Oh come on!” I grabbed him by the hand and dragged him in. He groaned and complained about how awful the smell is. I ran around the small store grabbing snatching up all the cute jeans I could find in my size; my arm was starting to hurt from them all.
    “Do I have to stay while you try on all those jeans?” I shot him a I-hope-your-not serious look. He groaned. I leaned in and kissed him.
    “But you still love me.”
    “Unfortunately.” We laughed together. He plopped down onto a couch near the dressing rooms, tapping his fingers on the leather while I tired on the jeans. Going through ten pairs, I decided on one. “Are we done yet?”
    “Not even close,” I smiled at him and gave him my bag. We walked around near the Movie Theater and sat down on a bench. I curled up next to him and leaned my head against his chest. His fingers ran alone my hair line, tucking a lose strand behind my ear.
    “God, you’re so beautiful.” I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. It felt like it was only me and him, in our own little world, with nobody else around. I closed my eyes and snuggled closer to him.
    “Excuse me, I’m really sorry to interrupt, but… you look so familiar.” My eyes shot open, that voice, it was so… I know that voice from somewhere. I gasped and jumped up. I know him… Well, I knew him, I had to. But, from where? My eyebrows were furrowed with confusion. Wait, I think I remember…
    “Joshy…?” A rush of panic swept through me.
    “I haven’t heard anyone call me that since… Mandy?” A tear trickled down my cheek. No… It couldn’t be…
    “I.. thought you… died…” I stammered. It had hurt so much after what I did to him, I made up that the died than hated me. I don’t know why, but it just helped. His hand stretched out to touch my face and I recoiled into Derek’s arms.
    “You thought I died?” He looked at me with eyes of concern “but why?”
    I looked at him in the eyes. He had gorgeous eyes… “It was easier after what happened,” I just had to look away.
    “Uhm, what the hell is going on?” Derek interjected.
    My face grew red. “Uh, Derek, this is Josh, we, uh, dated about five years ago, and I haven’t seen him since. And, Josh, this is Derek, my Fiancé.” I could spot a look of confusion on his face, but he wasn’t going to say anything. He knew this was my battle to deal with; he’s heard me speak of Josh a few times before.
    “Congratulations.” He seemed bothered by this. But why? I mean, he can’t still love me… “Do you think we could talk, alone?”
    I looked at Derek. It was like I was pleading to him with my eyes like a little girl. Did I even want to talk to Josh? I suppose just talking wont hurt… Derek nodded, our lips met, and I assured him I would be back soon. Josh and I walked a bit and settled on a table at the food court to talk. We were both adults, we could handle this maturely, I hope.
    “What brings you around here?” I started off.
    “You, and well, a residency.” Me? Why me?
    “That’s great, about you being a doctor… But I haven’t talked to you in five years, what the hell?”
    “Nobody ever felt the same since you.” No, No, NO! This cannot be happening. I’ve wanted him for so long, and finally when I find someone I love, he pops back up in my life.
    “No… Josh…” My body began to shake, and tears started falling down. Josh got up and pulled a chair next to me and put his arm around me. All I could think about was that Derek was able to watch me. I Shrugged off his arm. “Josh, I have Derek.”
    “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about me too.” That’s it, I can’t take it.
    “I have, but, this cannot happen. I loved you, so much, but I’m getting married next fall to Derek, not you. I wished over and over again that it was you I was going to spend the rest of my life with, but it’s not, and I’m happy with my decision. Josh, you’re making me really confused right now. I… I want you in my life, I want you to be my friend., but just my friend. I’m sorry, this is really hard for me. I can feel the feelings that I had for you start to resurface. We are two different people now, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, we just can’t be more.” I could see his face start to turn into pure pain, and a tear slid down his cheek.
    “I thought you would say something like that.”
    “I still remember you calling me a whore, like it was yesterday. I am no whore. I will never cheat on Derek.” Just saying those words made me feel empowered of myself. I will not cheat on Derek. I am not a whore. I am not the same young teenage girl I used to be. I’m happy, with the person I love. Josh will not screw this up for me.
    “I understand…So, friends?” I had to smile at this, I really hope he wasn’t going to get any ideas.
    “Yeah, friends.” We made our way back to the spot I had left Derek, he was still there. I practically ran to him. He took me into his arms and held me tight. I buried my head into his chest.
    “I love you, Sugar.” he whispered.
    “I love you too.”
    Josh cleared his throat. “Well, uh, I better be going.” He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out a scrap of paper and scrawled down something. “Here, my number, call me if you guys want to hang out or something.” Then he walked off. I stared down at the paper in my hand. I was going to call, I wanted to get to know him. I stuffed it into my purse.
    “Lets go.” I pulled on Derek’s hand. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kiss me on the neck. On the way home, I spilled everything. Derek wasn’t just my fiancé, he was also my best friend.
    It was only early afternoon when we got back to the apartment. I stripped my shoes off and climbed into our bed. Derek was right behind me. I snuggled into his body, feeling his warm breath on my neck. Our legs intertwined. “I’m so sorry” I mumbled.
    “Noting to be sorry about.” I sighed and started to cry. He held me tighter and caressed my arm. I rolled over to face him, he kissed my forehead. I gently pressed my lips to his. He was soft and loving, and then I deepened the kiss. I felt vulnerable. I wanted to show that I wouldn’t betray him, that I loved him, and no one else, not even Josh. I started to pull at the hem of his shirt. He stopped my hand and looked into my eyes. “Seriously?”
    “Yeah.” I resumed what we were doing.
    Melting into him, like we were one. I drifted off to sleep, thinking bout the future. Praying to god, that my life isn’t going to get screwed up again. I just can’t afford it.

    A week or so passed by. I was just coming home from the restaurant, and digging through my purse for the keys to the apartment. My fingers slipped by a lose paper. Curious, I pulled it out. I pushed my keys in and turned. I shrugged off my coat, leaving it on the couch, and sat down at the kitchen table. The scrap of paper glared at me, mocking me. Josh’s number. Was I going to call? I’m so tempted too.. If I was going to see him, it would have to be with Derek by my side. I pulled out my cell phone and pushed down each individual key, gingerly. It started to ring, my heart raced. “Hello?” Josh’s voice sounded so calm and collected. Completely the opposite of mine sounds like.
    “Hi,” I breathed out. “It’s… uh, Mandy?” It sounded like a question, I’m such an idiot.
    “Mandy.” I could hear the excitement in his voice. “How are you?”
    “Good,” My heart slowed down slightly. “Uh, I was just wondering if you would like to come for dinner?” I sounded like I was asking him on a date.
    “That would be lovely. When do you have in mind?” Oh no, oh no! When? How bout…
    “Tonight? Since Derek gets off early and everything. Is that okay with you?” Damn! That was a lie, Derek got home late.
    “Sounds perfect, seven-ish okay?” seven… seven… sure, I could have dinner made in two hours, no worries. Well, theirs always take-out.
    “Yeah, I’ll text you the address, see you soon.” Crap, that was one of the most tense full conversations on my part. Derek didn’t get home until eight, I’m screwed. I should call him though, so he doesn’t freak out about Josh.
    “Hey, Sugar.” Derek answered his phone.
    “Uh, hi. I was just going to let you know that I invited Josh over to dinner tonight… So if he’s over, don’t freak out.”
    “You don’t have to ask my permission to see him, yah know. I trust you.” He trusts me. Well, at least somebody does, because I don’t.
    “I know… it’s just yeah. I love you.” And that was that. s**t, I had a lot of things to do now. I ran around the house straightening everything up. I changed into a skirt and a nice blouse. I was dressing up for him? I was like a teenager seeing her crush. No, no, I can’t be seeing my “crush” because I do not want him. Right? Sigh. Dinner! I totally forgot. Cursing under my breath, I got out the phone book and looked up the number for Chinese take-out. Who ever said I had to cook dinner? It came in a half an hour, and I put it into decent looking plates. The door bell rang. Oh god. My heart started to flutter. Calm down, calm down, I chanted over inside my head. Trying to slow my heart, I took my time. Swinging open the door, his green eyes stared back at me.
    “You look beautiful,” Josh said. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks. I shouldn’t be blushing. He walked in and handed me a bottle of wine.
    “Wine? You know we’re underage…” I really didn’t care, I just looked at the bottle greedily. Alcohol, yum.
    “I kind of forgot….” He blushed, rubbed his head, and looked at the ground.
    “That’s okay, this sure as hell isn’t going to be wasted, thanks!” I kissed him on the cheek; both of our faces turned bright red. I went into the living room and plopped down on the couch, he did the same. “Derek called a little while ago, he said he wont be home until eight.” I put a little pout on my face. I was nervous and scared of what was going to happen without my knight in shinning armor to protect me from his enemy.
    “Oh,” was all he managed to say. He touched my hand and leaned in, his lips touched my with such passion. I pulled away.
    “Josh…” I started but I couldn’t finish, he kissed me again. It was as if the five years of bottle up lust came pouring out, of both of us. I’ve wanted to be with him so badly for so long. I knew I was going to get hell for it later, but I couldn’t keep my hands to myself. They went straight for his jeans, unbuttoning the, and sliding them down. His hands crept up my shirt, pulling it off, and I mimicked on him. I climbed on top of him, encasing my legs around his. No one could say I didn’t want this. Things escalated, they escalated way too far. Time passed and I was curled up on the couch in Josh’s arms with him stroking my arm.
    “I love you so much,” He whispered into my ear. I couldn’t choke out the words to say back. s**t! My mind finally processed what I had done. No, no, no! It couldn’t have happened…
    “I’ll be right back.” I muttered and practically ran to the bathroom. I slammed and locked the door. Rummaged around the vanity drawers, I found a razor. Tears started to pour from my eyes. I didn’t care if Josh heard me. Derek deserved better. I can’t marry him, I cheated on him. I needed to die. It wasn’t the first time I’ve thought of suicide. It wasn’t the first time I planned it out. If I didn’t die, at least I could release myself. I took the razor shakily with my fingers and dragged it down my left wrist, splitting the skin open. I repeated it a couple more times, and then on the right. Blood spilled everywhere. I took off my engagement ring and watched the blood surround it. I spotted my makeup back on the counter and knocked it down. Grabbing a sharpened stick of black eyeliner, I wrote as neatly as I could, ‘I love you Derek, I’m so sorry.’ I slumped down against the wall, and waited until it all stopped hurting. I fell unconscious quickly.
    Some time later, Derek came home. He saw Josh on the couch. “Where’s Mandy?”
    “She went into the bathroom a while ago.” Josh was calm about it, like he thought she was just fixing her makeup.
    “Damn it!” Derek bellowed and raced towards the bathroom, with concern written all over his face.
    “What?” So now Josh was worried.
    He rattled the door handle. “Sugar! Mandy! Open up, please! It’s Derek!” He was frantic. He put his ear to the door and found completely silence on the other end. The door’s locking system was a very terrible one, but an advantage for Derek. He pushed his nail into the little dived in the handle and turned. He opened it, and was greeted with the horrifying image of his fiancé against the wall with blood pooling around her. He bent to her side. “No…” tears started to streak his cheek. Josh gasped from behind him. “Get me towels, anything, hurry!” Josh did what he was told. “No baby, wake up… wake up… don’t leave me, I love you.”
    “I’m a doctor, let me help.”
    “Fine, whatever, just fix her.” He sat besides her and stroked her cheek. “Don’t die… please, just don’t die.” He kept chanting a similar variation of words over and over again. Josh bandaged Mandy up and checked her pulse.
    “her heart seems to be getting steadier, I think she’s just unconscious.” He had twisted his face with pain, matching Derek’s look of fear for her.
    “Will she be alright?”
    “I hope.”
    They carried Mandy to the bed and set her down,. Each of them on different sides of her, staring at her. She woke up.
    I blinked light away from my eyes, blinding light. Is this heaven? Two blurry figures were positioned on either side of me. When focus came in, I saw that it was Derek and Josh. Nope, it’s not heaven.
    “I’m so sorry,” I mumbled.
    “Shh, shh, its okay,” Derek cooed, stroking my hair.
    “No… no it’s not, I cheated on you…” And tears started to roll down my face, once again. He’s going to leave me, I know he will, and he has ever right to. Of course, he didn’t need to be told who she cheated on him with, it was evidently Josh. Derek looked at Josh, with complete anger.
    “You had sex with her!” It wasn’t going to be a question. It was a correct accusation.
    “I guess I should leave now…” Josh said getting up. Derek said no more words, but the fuming rage was still apparent on his face.
    “I’m so sorry…” He got up and left. I cringed at the sound of the door slamming. I repeated, “I’m so sorry,” over and over again to the air. I wish I had enough strength left in my to get up and finish the job I started. I laid there, thinking. Well, it was really mindless thinking. I all I knew was that Derek would leave me for sure, and I could probably have a chance with Josh. But I don’t want a chance with Josh, I wanted Derek. I wanted to marry him, have kids with him, and grow old with him. I wanted him forever. I cried myself to sleep, my mind never wandering away from Derek. I woke up from my alarm beeping. I turned my head slightly to see it was only seven in the morning. I lifted my hand the best I could to turn it off. I wasn’t going to work today, I didn’t need to work anyways, I was going to die.
    I was still laying in bed when I heard the front door open, and foot steps coming towards me. A head peeped in from the door way of the bedroom. I recognized that face to be my one and only love, Derek. “I’m so sorry.” I repeated, for the hopefully last time.
    “I’ve heard enough of you’re sorry. Why?” he was leaning against the doorway, a pained expression mixed with anger on his face.
    “Pent up energy for the last five years?” I tried to smile. He scowled, and my smiled faded. “I really don’t know.” I couldn’t look at him, so I looked at the floor.
    “Was sex with me just not good enough for you anymore?” If only that were the reason, it would be more logical than my messed up one.
    “No, sex with you is amazing…”
    “Then, why?” He shouted at me. I took in a deep breath and explained all the thoughts going on in my head, as clearly as possible.
    “It was something I never experienced with him. It was something I dreamed about every night until I met you. I had wanted him so badly, and he came back. I… It just happened. I don’t love him. I don’t even want to see his face again. I feel so damn disgusted with myself-”
    “Damn right should be,” He cut in.
    “I’m so ******** sorry. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. After it happened I tried to kill myself. You don’t deserve someone as whore-ish me, and I don’t deserve someone as wonder as you. I cant live without you. If you leave me, I will kill myself, but if you stay, I’m afraid you might end up doing it yourself. I don’t want you to have any regrets when you marry me. I love you, and I cannot say that enough.” My eyes flicker and lock in with his. “I love you, so ******** much.” He started walking towards me and sat on the bed. His face was more calm now. He touched my arm.
    “I love you too, but I don’t know if I can forgive you.” We stayed like this for what seemed like an hour. He finally leaned in and kissed me. “But, I do know that I cannot and will not, live without you.” I smiled, and wrapped my arms around him. He laid down on the bed and snuggled close to me. “Never, do that again, and I mean both cheat on me, and cutting yourself, okay?”
    “Okay.” I could manage that, as long as I had him.
    “Promise?”
    “Promise.” And that was the end of Josh in my life forever, hopefully.