The One Friend, and Nightmere

• Artist: xXThe_Death_AngelXx
• Description: this is something i wrote, i actually cried while i was writing it, so i hope yall feel as emotional as i did....thank you!!
• Date: 06/14/2009
• Tags: friend nightmere death

One dark and gloomy night there was this teenage girl doing what she normally did in her spare time, which was going on her pc and checking all the sites she normally went to. As she looked at her friends’ “status” she saw that one, like always, said that they were sad and depressed. So, like usually, she went and sent a message to that one friend telling them to cheer up and everything will be alright. After that she went to sleep wondering, “What am I supposed to do, every time I cheer him up he goes and bees all depressed…”
So the next day she went and did the usual stuff she does in her spare time….she looked at her one friend’s status to see if she had succeeded in cheering him up, but as she looked at the page she started to cry…..it wasn’t what she expected to see…..it was a message from her one friend’s mother….her one friend had attempted suicide…. She slammed her laptop shut refusing to believe that this was true….but she new her one friend wouldn’t joke around about something as serious as this, so she fell to the floor and prayed to God, begging him to help her one friend, to help make him come to his senses. While she was praying she started to cry even harder, for what seemed like eternity…….
Then she woke from the horrible nightmare that seemed so real, that she noticed that she was actually crying. So to make sure it was in fact just a nightmare she went and grabbed her laptop, logged into the same website her one friend is on and checked his “status”…. She knelt on her knees and prayed to God, what she said was this, “Thank you my Lord in Heaven!! Thank YOU, thank YOU!!!”…… It turned out it was actually a nightmare….
The End……..or is it……….

Comments

[Spellbound Blasphemy]

I agree with Silverwolf. Your writing needs work.

[silverwolf7779]

(sorry, this wouldn't fit... I think you should take the last line out too)
I didn't mean to sound mean but I think you could really do a lot better if you pay attention to your tone and these small details!!!!

[silverwolf7779]

"So, like usually, she went and" like USUAL
" and bees all depressed" that's wrong
"but she new her" KNEW
and you know what, the excessive ellipses take from it. Also, the speech is crammed into a paragraph, a bad technique.
And it may be special to you, but you can't convey why in your writing, or rather you DON'T. I think you could, but you have to work harder at it, give the reader WHY this is sad or use words to connect with an emotion they've experienced before, not just "crying".