• Part One
    “Angel, I’m done! I can’t do this” I gestured between the two of us feigning anger; I was dying inside. “anymore. I’m sick of it! And I am sick of you.” My words were harsh, unjust and completely untrue. I stared at her with contempt and hid the pain that was flaring sickenly in my chest.
    Angel stared at me with betrayal burning in her eyes. She hasn’t cried in front of me since the very beginning and I wonder if she will now. I don’t know that I could handle that. She is so strong that I really didn’t know what her reaction might be. “You’re sick,” she stated speaking low, menacingly. She was angry, this was good. It meant she believed me. The thought tore at my heart but I stared her down making no move to implicate I was in such agony. “Dray,” her voice broke and I heard the torment in her voice. I thought I would scream as I saw her sink slowly to her knees in front of me and hung her head. “I’ve known you all my existence. Why now? What, what have I done to make you think so horribly of me? What can I fix? Please, don’t leave me,” she whispered this last part in such a distorted voice that I could barely stand to hear the shear hurt in it.
    “I’m bored Angel. You’re always the same, you never change. Everything with you is so predictable and it makes me want to tear my hair out.” I cringed inwardly as the hateful words flooded from my blasphemous mouth. I knew that what I was saying was tearing down any doubts she had that I wasn’t serious. She would set herself free of me soon enough. I just needed to say one more thing and I knew that it would shatter everything good and sane in my chaotic world. I would have rather been thrown in a vat of parasites than say what I did next. “I don’t love you anymore. You’re nothing to me now, “my voice was flat and expressionless; lifeless reflecting my core as it ripped it self away at my false declaration.
    She nodded mutely and said no more. I walked out of the room as I left my life with that woman on the floor. My very reason for being had just been stolen from me because I had given it away. No, that was too gentle a way to put it. I had shoved it, thrown it in the trash and left it to rot in the rain. That’s what I’ve done because I do love this woman. I love her so much that I could walk away even though it meant pain so fiercely present that I couldn’t breathe.
    Before I realized what I was doing I was on the roof of my apartment building four stories up. “I love you Angel,” I whispered as I stepped off and felt the wind whip around my body. I was flying before I was falling.

    Part Two
    I used to think that in New Moon the author had been too dramatic in her display of Bella’s pain of losing Edward. But as I lay her immobile and unresponsive, numb with the pain of loss, I realize that it was completely accurate. My chest is empty, devoid of any heart that may have once been there. The reason to even get up in the morning had not only left me, saying he no longer loved me, but had then killed himself the very next hour. I still do not understand the cause and effect though as I lay here gasping in anguish it seems irrelevant. What I do know and understand with perfect clarity is that my world has ended. This isn’t like New Moon. There was no misunderstanding, there will be no homecoming. My Edward, my Dray, is gone and gone forever. Tears stream down my face as I think these forbidden thoughts. I promised myself that I would get up this morning. I would get over it and function; I had to. But why did I have to? Who would care? Who was looking in on me? No one. Who would notice if I too jumped off and apartment building roof? I shook my head furiously finally yanking myself off the bed. I was not weak. This would not be the end my life, even if it was the end of my living. I walked to the shower and went through the motions mechanically. As I stepped in I felt the colors melt away leaving only gray. I realized with lazy comprehension that not only was the numb haze that I had read about so many times before in my favorite book but the pain relief it brought were both very real. So this is what Bella felt like, so this is what I am.


    Part Three
    Everything was perfect. The kiss was like nothing she had ever experienced before. Her mind was clouded over in sheer happiness as she nearly lost her balance for she had forgotten how to stand. He smiled at her and helped her to sit so the kiss could continue. She sat in his lap and leaned in to start the kiss again.
    Tears streamed down her face as she sat up gasping. ‘Just a dream’ she thought bitterly. Always just a dream and yet every time it felt so real. Every time they went to sit he would vanish. Because that’s exactly what he had done, he’d vanished, forever. He was never coming back for her now. She could never start the kiss again.
    As the day began the numbness returned and Angel got out of bed.