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I ran down the hill, my breath came out quick and ragged puffs in the chilly night air, my lungs burned as I forced my legs to continue to move. I stumbled and rolled down the steep hill, and received various scrapes against the sharp rocks and branches before I slammed shoulder-first into a tree. I grit my teeth and only allowed myself to release a groan and pained whimper as I'm sure something is either broken or misplaced, my heart stopped as I heard maniacal laughter echo around me.
"Don't you just loooove it when they run?"
"I hate to play with my food...I feel it's a bit inhumane.*dark chuckle*"
"I think she's scared stiff. Isn't that adorable?," cooed a dark voice that felt eerily close to my ear. That was all it took to make me completely forget the pain in my shoulder and I ran as if my life depended on it--which seemed like the case at the time.
I dodging trees, rocks, and stray branches as I ran through the forest zigzagging left and right as if to dodge some sort of invisible bullets or lose them within the thickening bushes. I prayed frantically for someone. Anyone to be close by. I opened my mouth to scream for help only to let out a pathetic wail. ...SH--. My throat is dry. What a f'king time!!
The maniacal laughter grew louder, more amused. They were watching me. Mocking me.
"What was THAT?" The voices seemed to have gotten closer. And multiplied. Or maybe that was just the echoes. Tears of fear and embarrassment stung my eyes as I fell once again quickly stumbled up and continued to run. "No one is going to hear you if you scream like that." I suddenly saw a shadow in front of me, the tears began to flow, I quickly changed directions to go left, I felt as though I would die from exhaustion before they even get the chance to get their hands on me.
"Oh boys don't mock her. She's trying her best."
"Not like it matters if anyone hears her..." Glowing, red eyes appeared in front of me. A frantic cry leaped from my throat, I took a sharp right and jumped over a thick fallen branch and tumbled through a bush into...a clearing blocked by the mountainside.
My eyes scanned the clearing, there were a few small trees, a couple of rocks, and the mountain wall. Nothing that was of any help to me. "...Because we have her right where we want her," I could practically hear the smirk in his voice. Shivers ran through my body and reality set in ...I'm going to die..
I began to cry harder, helpless sobs escaped me as I frantically looked for a way. Anyway to escape these...monsters. I ran to the mountain side and attempted to scale the wall, only succeeding in bloodying up my already battered body more. "Give up." My body slumped down to the floor, exhausted and feeling utterly helpless, I began to pray.
Three dark figures stepped out from the dark of the forest. "Don't worry, it won't hurt too bad," said the red-eyed male in the middle as he stood with his hands lazily tucked into the pockets of his black slacks.
The...male to the left of him was dressed in with a long black trench coat that was sloppily hanging off his left shoulder. He was slightly hunched over and seemed to be taking deep breaths, almost panting. His long, disheveled black hair shielded one of his eyes from me as the other stared wildly at me. Without warning, his face was directly in front of mine before I could even blink. I let out a hoarse scream as I attempted to back up, and prayed that somehow I would melt into the jagged rocks behind me. But he held my chin in his hand roughly, "He's lying."
I closed my eyes as the tears came ten-fold, a panic attack began to build in my chest. All I felt was the sting of the cold on my face and exposed skin, his rough hand on my face,.. and the cold of his tongue as it slid across the cut on my left cheek. Tasting my blood. "...Mmmm delicious~," he cooed darkly next to my ear. My heart beat faster fear fully enveloping me. His eyes grew even wilder and he clutched my face harder, "Scared yet?"
Unable to hold back I sobbed as I questioned, my voice a hoarse,"Why? Why me? I won't tell anyone I swear. You have what you wanted from me! Just please...please let me go.." The sobs racked through my whole body annoying my animalistic predator. He roughly pushed my head away from him with an annoyed sigh, "Sh-t this one loves to talk. Can't we just end this now Artimus?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, my hands automatically moving to try and remove his hand as he grabbed a fist-full of my hair. He painfully pulled my hair back to expose my neck. His elongated teeth gleam in the moonlight and his eyes glowed the brightest red I've seen just before he was kicked out of the way by the more composed male in the trio, making him release my hair.
"Control yourself Phobos." His voice was smooth and deep. Had I not been afraid for my life at the time I would have, without a doubt, found him to be attractive. Phobos, sat up and sulked as he rubbed the spot where he was kicked. Artimus bent down on one knee in front of me, his deep green eyes looked me in the eyes sincerely, "Trust me darling. This is nothing personal against you. We are working on orders. Just business. You can understand that. Can't you?"
Suddenly there was a shimmer of hope. I'd rather die knowing I tried everything..., "I understand business. But---please. I have a family, friends, a LIFE. If you let me go you'll never see me again I swear!" He looked away over his shoulder for a minute at the unnaturally crimson haired female who had accompanied the two. It looked as if she was wearing leather, but I wouldn't know for sure without my glasses. She leaned against a tree and seemed uninterested as she glanced at him momentarily before she returned to studying her nails. His eyes locked with mine, "Fine. I won't kill you tonight."
I looked at him, awe painted every feature on my bruised face. "But...why-- ", I realized it best not to question and I silently thanked him as Phobos yelled at Artimus, "What the f'k?! You can't let her go! He'll KILL US!" I mustered up enough energy to get up and make my legs move. I wiped the tears from my eyes and exited the small clearing in the direction of, what I hoped was, the town. Before I was out of ear-shot Artimus responded coolly, "I believe my exact words were...'I won't kill you tonight'..."
It felt as if time had stopped. I look over my shoulder at him with the utmost hatred I've ever felt towards anyone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the woman's thin lips turn up into a cruel smirk and could just picture the sadistic grin returning to Phobo's face. Artimus shrugs and repeats, "Nothing personal darling."
I turned and began to lead the chase again, this time only with Phobos and the woman chasing me. They decided to more fun this time around, cutting me off and taunting me.
"Not that waaaay~"
"I wonder if cats have this much fun with the mice.."
"At this rate you'll never make it to town..."
I began to give up hope and felt my body shutting down. I almost stopped and gave myself up when I saw the top of the church in town through the trees. Yes..YEEEES! Just a little more. Then I'll be able to get the police..Just a little more...Just a little..
"Ok Phobos. I'm tired of this game of cat & mouse. Let's finish this."
"Okaaay, Ava!"
I heard his maniacal laughter once more before something swept under my feet and caused me to trip. I looked up from the floor in the direction of the Church trying to force myself to get up. Just a little more...Just a little more.. All was silent as I lay there, my body and mind exhausted. Just...a little more..please..
I let out a pained groan as Phobos pulls me up by my hair into a kneeling position his hungry eyes took in all the bleeding cuts over my body. I gather up what little saliva I had and spit in his face, boldness suddenly rushing through me. But it left as soon as he hissed in anger at me ready to snap my neck, so I look towards the Church tower once more.
With a crooked, sadistic smirk he looked at the Church, "Heh, does that help you? Make you feeeeel better?" I closed my eyes. Tired. "KEEP LOOKING AT IT!" He yelled and shook me until I opened my eyes and look at the Church. He slid himself closer to me, and whispered in my ear "...Remember it. For it will be the last thing you ever see..."
- by Frisky Penguinz |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 12/14/2009 |
- Skip
- Title: The Hunt
- Artist: Frisky Penguinz
- Description: I took out the explicates in case any youngin's read it. This character experiences her visions and goes into a trance. Writing them in the form of stories when they come to her. In this vision, she's seeing what's happening to someone else through their eyes, hence the first-person telling of it. I posted this on DeviantArt some time ago but it's so difficult to get any critiques there. I figured I'd try here! ^^ So fellow Gaians, don't let me down. :3nod:
- Date: 12/14/2009
- Tags: hunt vampire attack vision
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Comments (4 Comments)
- curriesauce - 12/22/2009
- it's good, some of your styles of writing r from Stephanie Meyer aren't they? But still good, i mean it is different, i want to read more.
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- Yume_Silvermoon - 12/14/2009
- All those are pretty nit-picky and may amount to stylistic preference. But if there's one thing I think you should definitely change about this passage, it's the place where you used asterisk action-brackets. That kind of thing works on forums or RPGs, but it's not appropriate in prose.
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- Yume_Silvermoon - 12/14/2009
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(continued)
In general, I'd recommend trying to "trim down" your descriptions by eliminating redundant adjectives and adverbs. For example: "He painfully pulled my hair back to expose my neck." I think you don't need "painfully" there because it's pretty intuitive that having your hair jerked around is painful. - Report As Spam
- Yume_Silvermoon - 12/14/2009
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*cracks knuckles* Okay! Forgive me, but I'm going to be a little harsh. I only do that for people I think are good writers. ^_~
Your descriptions are good, and the story flows pretty well. I would recommend a grammar check. There are some run-on sentences, and at times you used a comma where a semicolon or a new sentence would have been better. There are a few spots where you have the wrong verb tense. - Report As Spam