• Nothing seems to be exciting. The same bus to school. Faces covered in eye boogers and dried drool every morning. Same hallways to class every day. Hot chocolate at the same cafeteria. Same people at school. Same desk and same note books. Same white board. Tough day. Long bus ride back home followed with a long walk. Leftovers for dinner, again. Voice mail from parents. Time to crash.

    6:30 AM. Loud alarm and sun sneaking through the window. Same face in the mirror. Same boots. Another necklace. New face on the bus. I try to gaze. He feels awkward. I feel even more. No more contact. Fries from the snack bar with some juice. No mood for lunch. No work either. Back home online. Friday night and nothing exiting. Music is playing from the bar. And I crash.

    Morning! Surprise phone call. Something new? Someone wants to talk? Nah, just wrong number. Throw it on the bed. Time for Youtube. You got one-million subscribers? Seriously? Good for you. Repeat for hours. Afternoon nap. Need some water. Kitchen’s too far away. Gets up anyway. I like the weather, really cloudy yet sunny. Long walk with my dog. Sat at the park. Watching the world pass by. Notice a cute couple kissing. I stare. I feel awkward. Walk back home. Rice and an egg for dinner. Time to go online in my bed.

    Sunday late morning. Still in bed. Bad neck sprain. Thank God for the cigarettes. Lazy day. Preparing for the meet tomorrow. Laundry. Dishes. Hungry. No food. Grocery shopping. Cute old man cashier. I smile. No smile back. Wondering. Looking at myself in the mirror. Still wondering. Never mind. Early to bed. But no sleep. Thoughts won’t let me sleep.

    Late AM. Late to class. Grumpy teacher. Like I care. Notice something in my peripheral. Someone’s looking at me. I feel weird. Really weird. What do I do? Stop staring. I feel awkward. Can’t help but look back. Oh god, she’s still looking at me. Look back. Eye contact. Look back. No smile. Poker face. Get back to test. Look again after a while. She’s still looking! Weird expression. ********. Did someone put a condom on me? Check myself. No, nothing’s on me. What is it? After class, passing period. She’s walking to me. What the ******** do I do? Act normal. How the ******** do you do that. Act like you have people to text. Yeah, this makes me look cool. False vision. No it does not. Too late to change normal looking act. She’s here. She puts her hand out. “Khallonii”. I put my hand out as well. “Rhealynn”. “Let’s hang out sometime”. I reply “Sounds great.”

    Feel Fresh this morning. Almost looking forward to something. Don’t know what. Don’t know why. Plain excited. Bus ride seems exciting now. Thinking about something. Someone. Reach class all smiles. Look for her. Found her. What to say? Complement her. She liked it. Yeah, good job Rhealynn! After a few minutes into class. Get bored. Sometimes we’ll play tic-tac-toe or pass notes. We become silly. In a happy way. Everyday.

    Life is exciting again. Don’t need alarms any more. No more sad faces in the bus. Sidewalks seem colorful. Hot chocolate was never so sweet. We talk to each other for hours. This is great. No awkward pauses. Only smiles. She wants to tell me a secret. Cool. No one ever shares stuff with me. She said she had no friends before me. No. Wait. Really? Should I tell her me too? I am thinking. She is waiting. I look at her. Smile. Still thinking if should tell her. She gets called in into the office. Seems shocked. Looks at me. Looks sad. I don’t know what to do. She waiting. I couldn't. She leaves.

    Back home. See myself in the mirror. I practice. How I look when I tell her. I look silly when I try to look good. Why try? Will just be me. We've gotten close enough. Sound Simple. Great.

    Early morning. Game face! All smiles. Today, I will just say it. Run towards class. ********, hallways is too crowded. Made it! Walk into class. Get to my seat. Getting ready yo tell her. I’m ready! Look over. She’s not there. Where is she? The desk is empty. I see the teacher looks sad. Teacher says someone in the class has killed themselves. I gasp before she says who. Khalonii. Everyone wonders who she is. They wouldn't know now. She’s gone.

    I keep staring at the mirror. The two words that could of stopped this. ‘Me too’. Stare all day and night. Wondering as I lie on my bed. What just happened? Was this all an illusion? How could she leave? What did she do? I should have told her yesterday. She surely wanted me to. I could see it in her eyes. I’m dejected.

    Cruel morning. Same old bus. Same hallways. Same faces. I look where she used to be. She is not there. Head held low. Trying to be sane. I look silly. Why try? Tough day at work. Grumpy teacher. Grumpier me. Sit the park. Stare at the couples. Not looking for anything. Anyone. Just stare. Walk back home. Tired.

    Life sucks and I’m lonely. Again.