• "And that was how the Trojan Horse defeated the Aztecs."

    A hand shot up into the air and Ms. Bitters sighed. "Yes, Dib?"

    "But Ms. Bitters...the Trojan Horse was used against the Greeks, the Aztecs were a completely different-" A sudden hissing noise from his teacher caused Dib to slink into his seat and fall silent.

    "Ms. Bitters! Excuse me, Ms. Bitters!" An eager hand waved and Ms. Bitter's dark look went unnoticed. "So, this Trojan Horse, it seemed perfectly normal on the outside but inside contained a deadly force of destruction!" Zim waved an excited fist before he settled again. "Is that correct?"

    "I suppose."

    "Fascinating." Zim replied with a growing smirk as he considered the possibilities of such a device. Rudimentary, albeit, but no less ingenious.

    Dib glared at his nemesis and Zim smirked back openly, but he didn't have time to comment before the school bell rang and class was dismissed. A contentedly humming Zim began to leave but Dib caught him by the door.

    "Don't think I don't know what you're planning, Zim! I know what you're up to!"

    "No you don't."

    "Yes I do!"

    "No you don't."

    "Yes I do! You're going to try to make your own Trojan Horse!"

    "No! Haha! Stupid human-Dib! There will not be horses involved in my surprise weapon-wait-I mean...there will be no surprise weapon, that is totally irrelevant to my plans!"

    Dib crossed his arms with a satisfied smirk. "Uh huh. Sure."

    Zim ground his teeth as he replied. "Silence, filth! Zim does not have time to deal with your gargantuan big-headed...ness!" With a fierce glare, Zim stormed out of the class as Dib's smirk faded and he mentally sorted out his own plans in his head. Whatever Zim was planning, Dib was going to stop it.

    ...

    "So you see, Gir! Using the 'Trojan Piggy' filled with an army of mutated weasels, we will destroy the filthy humans right under their filthy human noses! It's brilliant!"

    "Whee! I likes weasels! And tacos! And biscuits! Ooh, biscuits!"

    Zim glowered. "Gir...how many times have I told you? You are not to speak of biscuits! Focus!"

    Gir sniffed as his metallic shoulders slumped. "But I like biscuits..."

    "The biscuits will never like you in return! They are dough-beasts! Enough of this nonsense, we have work to do! I will call The Tallest at once and inform them of my most diabolical scheme yet!" Zim began to laugh maniacally and after watching his master cluelessly, Gir began laughing hysterically beside him.

    ...

    -Somewhere in Quadrant XX0051...-

    "So...So...So I...So I said...So I said to the...I said to...I said...so...hahaha!" Purple Tallest burst out into laughter and gulped down more of his intoxicating beverage as Red Tallest grinned and clinked his cup against Purple's.

    "Thish is the good life..." The pair erupted into giggles before an alert from the monitor caught their attention.

    Purple squinted before he groaned. "Zit's Sim...sits im...is tim..."

    "It's Zim." Red corrected, ever the more logical of the two even when drunk.

    "Maybe if...we don't ans...ans...answer!"

    Red shook his head. "You remember what happened last time?"

    "Hey, look! Zim's calling. Just ignore it and he'll go away." Purple announced.

    -Twelve hours later, Red and Purple are looking extremely annoyed-

    "Just answer it.." Red muttered, and the computer obediently patched the call through."

    Red and Purple shuddered in unison before they hid their drinks and arranged themselves in casual sitting positions as they answered.

    "My Taaaaaallllest!" The pair winced.

    "Yes, Z-Z-Zim...?" Purple fumbled for the words and swallowed hard. "Whatizit?"

    Zim blinked. "Whatizit?"

    "Yes! Whatizit!"

    "Ah...I'm afraid I don't-"

    Red interjected in annoyance. "What are you calling for, Zim?"

    Zim's expression brightened. "Of course! I have concocted another brilliant plan, but this is even more brilliant than my last! You see, I'm going to-"

    Purple edged closer to Red to whisper as Zim went on excitedly about his plan. "I'm seeing two Zims. I'm scared."

    "-And then the humans-"

    Red patted his brother's shoulder sympathetically. "You're just drunk, there's only one. If there were two..." he trailed off with another mutual shudder.

    "-So using this Trojan Piggy-"

    "Wait...did he just say something about a pig?" Red squinted at the screen.

    "I don't like pigs. They shcare me. Share. Chair. Schare. Scare!" Purple seemed satisfied, and at his loud interjection, Zim paused.

    "My Tallest...are you...well?" As the Irken examined the pair, he decided that they looked a little...less than green as usual, and their bodies seemed to sag against their seats. Could it be that they were ill? Concern filled him and he was ready to offer his services. "If you are unwell, I could personally come and attend to you-"

    "NO!" Purple all but shrieked and even Red looked mildly alarmed. "You just...you stay...stay put Zim. Far away. That's good. There's a good little monster."

    Zim's expression became confused and Red hurriedly added.

    "You're doing an excellent job where you're at, we're perfectly fine, Zim. Your concern is duly noted and appreciated."

    "If you're sure..." Zim began hesitantly.

    "Stay away! The hor...hor...horure...horror! Bad enough you didn't get exploded on your trip the first time...just stay there!"

    "Exploded?" Zim repeated.

    Red's alarm increased and he made to cover a hand over his brother's mouth, but the damage was done, Purple had a tendency to be easily excitable when not sober and he was all too eager to rant about the Zim-menace.

    "YES! You were s'posed to go BOOM when we sent you out! You weren't s'posed to find a real planet! Why won't you just die already?" Purple began to sob and Red hastily clamped a hand over his mouth.

    "Ah...I believe he might be feeling a little under the weather after all, Zim...why don't you just call back another-"

    Purple shoved the hand away, and while he was drunk enough to rant, his words grew more coherent. "I still have nightmares from you! And yet even though we gave you the SIR-unit from the trash you're still alive! Why? WHY?"

    "I...I don't understand.."

    Purple rose to glare at the screen. "You're a joke, Zim! You're not an Invader! You just won't die and you're too stupided to get it! We sent you to Earth to get rid of you."

    "That...can't be...you're unwell.."

    "I'm drunk, not sick. And you're supposed to be dead!" he screeched before he suddenly had a peaceful look on his face as he passed out suddenly onto the chair.

    An awkward silence descended before Zim's confused eyes turned towards Red. "My Tallest..."

    Red rubbed the back of his neck before he sighed. "Look, Zim...you're just...defective, y'know? We were trying to do the nice thing and destroy you before you found out how much we despise you, but..."

    Zim's face scrunched up a moment before he chuckled weakly. "My Tallest...this joke is...very..."

    Red shook his head. "You just don't get it...look, Zim. Now that you know the truth, I'll come out and say it...you're mission is a joke. You're a joke. You're not an Invader and honestly, you'd be destroyed by now if you didn't have such dumb luck. So...you just...I don't know...don't call us again?"

    "But-"

    "Goodbye, Zim." Red cut the transmission and left Zim to stare desolately at the screen before him.

    Surely it was some kind of trick...some kind of test...The Tallest hadn't really wanted him...dead, had they? Memories flooded back to him, memories of their surprise the first time he'd called them after setting up base on Earth. Their attempt to have him stand the Trial. The lack of willingness to visit or send proper weaponry. His so-obviously-defective SIR-unit. The fact that they'd banished him to Food Courtia, and never bothered to give him back his rightful Invader status.

    "They really...despise me?" Zim continued to stare at the screen even when Gir, who had managed amazingly to stay silent until then, patted his leg.

    "There, there, Master...I love you!"

    Zim didn't respond but merely continued to stare blankly at the screen as everything fell into place. His life was a lie, his mission was a lie, his very existence...all lies. And if he was not an Irken Invader, if his Tallest truly despised him, then what was he? Where did he belong when he lacked the sole purpose for his creation?

    What was Zim to do now...?