• Segway
    Dear reader,
    My story is fairly weird and not supposed to be read for some instructional purpose or any type of work that actually involves work. It is merely for the thrill of entertainment. It involves talking trees, kissing really pale Irish girls, and the occasional questionable candy that you receive from strangers. People always tell me that I’m weird and some times a little unorthodox. What better to explain me than a story that fits the same description. I never really did like mall cops or the mall at all but something happened on this particular day that made the mall a little more interesting than usual. Just like me.
    Candy can’t really be explained to a person who ahs never had it before. It’s kind of like the story of Willy Wonka. This candy also can’t be described. I’m not even sure if it was the candy at all but something made it what it was. I don’t remember half of it but I do know I had fun forgetting it.

    A few of my Friends and I had just been released from school and we decided to go to the mall to blow off some steam before the break had started. I had a few bucks on me and was planning on getting some temporary hair dye for some party. Searching through the mall we decided the store most likely to have it. We went into hot Topic to pick some of the hair dye up. We saw this rather pale girl, fairly skinny with short red hair and happened to be about two paces in front of us as I turned I saw some wrist bands and carelessly read the first one I saw.
    Unfortunately it read “kiss me I’m Irish” and the skinny red haired girl in front of me turned around really fast and gave me this weird look of half excitement and half crept-out. She must have thought I had referred to her and that she should kiss me.
    Eventually the disturbing expression faded from her face and she continued to walk on. I turned to one of the friends that had came along (who was also going to the same party) in the hopes that my generosity and well known sense of sharing that I developed in kindergarten would be expressed in a manner towards him. He snickered at me because of the expression I put on the girls face. We continued through the store searching for the right color hair dye that would best suit my insatiable lust for insanity.
    We found the colors that we wanted after a series of confused glances and bizarre noises and headed towards the check-out counter. As I look up from the cans of spray I had just placed down I saw again the pale complexion of the Irish girl who had given me the extremely awkward reaction earlier. After an even more awkward fifteen seconds which were filled with nothing but her staring at my eyes and appeared to be overly fixated with them. I was starting to think that she thought she could melt my head or something but eventually gave up.
    After handing me the change her face suddenly and randomly perked up as if she just remembered her birthday after years of trying to figure it out
    “Holy Crap, you have just enough to buy the candy it’s awesome, it’s amazing, get it, get it, get it!”
    “Dude just get it, come on get it, get it, get it, get it!”
    It appears as though my friend was having the time of his life joining in the senseless gibberish so I decided to humor him.
    “Dunno, Just got them in but get it any way proceeds go to some hospital thingy.”
    “Ohh,…….. Ok, I’ll take 2 then.”
    She eagerly threw them in the bag and rang them up as she said, “ Thank you, have a nice day cutie.”
    I had already started walking but when I heard the comment I almost stopped dead in my tracks but somehow managed to continue. Right after I walked out of the store with the hair dye in one hand and a horse-pill size candy in the other I handed they pieces of candy out to my other 3 friends first to make sure it wouldn’t have killed them first. After a reasonable amount of time I noticed they weren’t on the ground yet. I decided to try it at the very least I mean I had already paid for it.
    After that moment I don’t really remember to much but somehow we found ourselves sitting in the circle of chairs between the Osterman’s and Hanoush’s jeweler stores. We were laughing uncontrollably, and for some reason what had started the whole thing was the play house tree in the kiddy play pen area.



    The tree it moves.
    The tree it talks.
    When I finally leave
    My mind it stalks.

    Given a strange reaction
    From ken to me,”
    “The tree just moved.”
    “What was in that candy?”

    Our eyes circle from person to person
    With our laughter filling up the mall.
    Half my friends now on the floor
    All because of the tree down the hall

    When we finally regained our composure two of the people in the group had to go to the bathroom. Strangely they both went to the same one at the same time but me and Ken are always pulling tricks and usually think alike. We ditched them and ran into the nearest store and knew they wouldn’t leave because I was their only ride. We waited and saw them walk by the store when we realized we were in the store Champs. Will (one of the friends in the group) was obsessed with the store and walked into it every time he passed it . We thought we were caught so we headed towards the front of the store and they walked right passed us without realizing it was us. We looked at each other walked to the window and stood there trying to be perfectly still.
    When they walked out of the store they walked right passed the window without noticing a single thing. We continued to stay there for a fairly long period of time standing perfectly still. Mostly because the double take and then awestruck expression of a middle aged oriental women is hilarious, along with a few other choice expressions couldn’t be passed up.

    How to piss off a mall cop
    Step 1 Find a local mall preferably in a fairly good neighbor hood so that the mall cops don’t expect to deal with basically anything but flirting with women and walking around trying to look menacing.
    Step 2 Enter the mall with a group of friends preferably not over the age of 23.
    If the person is younger the cop will already see him as a person more likely to give him grief stressing him out before hand.
    Step 3 Walk around the mall approximately 2 times if he/she follows then he/she is already cautious and doesn’t trust you if they don’t follow at all then you need more people in your group.
    Step 4 Continue into multiple stores and depending on the number of mall cops following you break up into groups one larger than them.
    Step 5 Proceed in small annoyances such as loitering around the kiddies rides that accept quarters and sitting in the food court without buying anything and when they head up to confront you speedily walk to the line of a restaurant and buy a small drink (when they see you moving they will think that you are trying to elude them and chase after you and when they realize what you were doing they stop and look retarded for hustling randomly in your direction for no reason).
    Step 6 Send someone from your group to distract them. Ask them really stupid questions that require an elaborate answer like “Hi, can I ask you how it is that you became a mall cop, like what exactly you did? I have a brother that is in law enforcement and wishes to seek the fulfilling job despite the overwhelming decrease in pay.”
    Step 7 While in place split into groups (the # of levels of the mall and the number of hall ways) and begin talking fairly loud and obnoxious about inappropriate things.
    Step 8 When caught by the mall cops shout scatter and run off in different directions to get to an exit and meet up somewhere else. (Exit points should be described earlier to each person to prevent the cluster of one exit).

    Finally we tired of the game and meet back up with our original “gang“ and headed for the circle of chairs again. After explaining where we were and how stupid they looked when they walked passed. Just then we were interrupted by a male’s voice that seemed to be echoed by a smaller sounding voice.
    “What the hell were you doing in there?”
    I turned around about as fast as that Irish girl had and saw a man in a blue uniform with one hand on his hip and the other on a taser. It was the mall cops of course and they had come to talk to us about some really stupid thing we had done and told us that we were going to get a warning and if we did it again we were going to be removed from the mall. I didn’t plan on getting shoved around by some p***k who decided to threaten us and act like we were criminals with one hand on a weapon to defend himself from our “smart remarks“.
    “In where?”
    “That store why where you in there?”
    “Uhmm wow uhmmm, crap I didn’t think I needed a reason. Sorry.”
    “This is not the place for you and your friends to goof off at.”
    “The mall?”
    “Yes it is a place for people to shop and get what they need to live their lives.”
    “What did I do wrong?”
    “You went out of your way to make my job harder”
    “Could it be any easier?” I muttered under my breath.
    Luckily he didn’t hear my last comment, but I still found myself in an awkward state of trying to fend off the “hounds” they were persistent to get me to express some type of regret or remorse but I’m not an easily intimidated or agitated of a person.

    “If I hear about one more disruption from you and your gang I’m kicking you all out. Do you understand?”
    “Yes sir, have a nice day.”, I said with a smile encircling the whole of my face
    Finally glad to be rid of the “upstanding law enforcement” I sat back down trying to figure out what the hell just happened
    “Did I just get confronted about standing perfectly still in a mall? Sense when was it against the mall code to stand perfectly still in a mall and out of everyone’s way.”
    After that the mall seemed really boring. The mall cops always seem to have that effect on almost everything but anyway I called for a ride and got them home all while explaining the entire story to my father who seemed to be almost as amused as I was. From that moment I always liked Irish girls and always seemed to have a grudge against tough-guy, want to-be mall cops.