The Tears and the fish.

• Artist: DNAngel jake
• Description: I lengthed it up. its a upgraded version of tears. FYI im water jake.
  I hope u liked it. if u did plz tell me wat about it u liked.
• Date: 08/15/2008
• Tags:

Standing still knee deep in the freezig waters of the ocean. I look down and see goose bumps start to rise out of my skin. I decide to return my gaze to the setting sun, but then I see something. A shining silver. Probably a fish. Then I look back up, the sky now a faint peach color. The slowly retreating water felt wonderful, yet it couldn't lift thisviel of saddness that was around me. Then slowly out of my left eye comes a tear. The silver drop slides down my face and off my cherry red lips into the sea. Sliding gracefully aswell as silently into the salty water causing a small ripple. I watch my tear as it slides into the water and melts into the ocean. Now another tear falls into the water slowly melting and dissapears with the retreating tide. I can't hold back. Now tears a falling back in the water, slowly ruining my make-up. I fall into a soundless sob. I can see the fish coming towards me through my tears. I feel something touch my foot. Instantly sending a chill up my back, a small giggle comes out of me. The fish was trying to lighten my mode I thought, yeah right. But still the fish continues to tickle my foot.

Comments

[Wolf Shadowheart]

=J its good. i agree with mazquerade misery. just jealous

[illusion fox]

I was in 6th grade then... And I am proud of it

[Missy Mango pop]

that was great don't listen to idiots like them they are all gelouse ^_^

[refnegafadiag]

If you "lengthed" it up, why is it still so short? How is this a non-fiction work? Why do you think that non-fiction writing means that one has to write a story that might really have happened? Why do you use so many sentence fragments? Are you in the 6th grade?

[Angel17xXx]

that's really cool. but i agree with sweet laverna, if your trying to get the effect of like, running eyeliner or something, find another way to word it, it kinda stopped me... but other than that, it's pretty good! it gets the affect through nicely, congrats!

[Heart Collision]

Hey, I would comment on your profile but it is private. That is ok, but in future try not to use together the words ruining and make-up in an sensitive story.
I saw my last comment and I feel I didn't do you justice. Your story is really on pathway to perfection. And for a guy you are really sensible and sentimental. But I don't think it is enough for a female character.
You can check out my poems and write a few criticisms if you like smile

[Heart Collision]

I see you lengthened it up. It would still be better longer.
It has no actual storyline.
You write as a girl, but I see you think of girls as foolish and gigglish creatures with cherry red lips, too caring over their perfect make-up. You have no actual begining nor ending.
Do not take this comment too personally, please, but try again. Practice makes perfect.