Dead Corps

• Artist: MagicalCakeBaker
• Description: I wrote this of how I felt one day.
  Comments on how to make it better XD
  Don't be rude ~pouts~
  
• Date: 12/30/2008
• Tags: dead corps

My body laying on the softly tilting hammock turned as black as the nighttime sky. My shiny blue eyes turn into bloodshot red and where the blue was , was replaced by black thin circles. My mouth closed tightly shut , my eyes opened wider then they could go. For I wanted to scream , but my mind didn't let me , I froze. I was so stiff I couldn't feel any part of my body nor move it. Take a deep breath , everything will be okay , I knew it would not but sometimes you have to hear those few words and you suddenly have courage to face anything. Soon my eyes began trying to close on me , ice cold , wet tears ran down the side of my face. I struggled to keep open my eyes , but failed. My eyes closed tightly shut. Once my eyes shut , That was it. My body was done , it did its job. Forever I will rest

Comments

[Mutandanstan]

To not be repetitive you might was to combine sentence 1 and 2 with a ';' and switch up the beginning of your sentences. other than that I think its pretty good.

[shelly draven]

I don't know, I kind of like it, and I totally get where it's coming from, but, towards the end you say those words give you power to face anything, and then you die? I don't know, that just makes the previous part seem a little pointless. Maybe if you went a little James Barrie in there and talked about death being an adventure, or a challenge it might make more sense.

[hieispast]

:] I liked it, sure sums up how I feel most of the time. biggrin Good Job! I'd honestly love to see more if you ever write anymore, send me a PM!!! :3