• Finishing a book that will make only a few lonesome tears slip past the barrier of apathy is somewhat of a fulfilling feeling.
    Sometimes you won’t know why, but the last, parting words of a reality that isn’t quite there, is enough to make one wish everything was the other way around.
    That you were written onto those pages, and someone else was reading your ending.
    But, maybe you just want a happy ending. And you believe you won’t ever find or have your own. So you seek to take someone else’s.
    But.. that’s cruel. You can’t have something meant for someone else.
    Maybe literally you can have it, but it won’t work the same for you, as it would for them.
    It won’t fit perfectly into your grooves, as is would to theirs.
    It’s not the right puzzle piece that you’ve been missing. It’s theirs. And taking it from them and squeezing it into your own puzzle will throw everything about you and them off, in completely different directions.

    My eyes feel like they’re burning. They feel like their on fire. And honestly it’s not that horrid of a feeling. It’s a reminder to me of pain I wish I could feel sometimes.
    I haven’t cried in a long time. And I don’t know why.
    I just… can’t. At first it scared me, and I resorted to subconsciously intentionally causing myself physical pain to see if I’d cry. That never worked.

    I tried thinking of everything that upset me, bringing my emotions and thoughts to a swirling chaos mess, but even that didn’t make me cry. And then… my ex-boyfriend, who I was in love with after for so long.. asked me out, again. I didn’t know what to say, what my answer was.

    I cried, I broke down, I sobbed, wailed.
    I cried because I didn’t know if I loved him anymore.
    Because I lost the feeling I so badly wanted him to return.
    Is that so wrong? To wait so long for something that the crave for that sometimes just.. fades, and then when you don’t want it anymore, all the sudden it’s just inches from your fingertips, waiting for you to take it, and you hesitate or maybe even walk away?
    Is that so wrong? Or maybe it’s just bad timing of the stars.

    Who knows. I feel like laughing right now.. for no real reason at all.

    I tend to read books that include romance. I don’t like any other kind of book, if it doesn’t have romance.
    When I was little I didn’t used to watch Disney movies all that often, maybe because subconsciously I knew that if I did I’d dream of having those tales to myself of being a part of them. But now that I’m older, nearing being an adult, too close sometimes.

    I watch them whenever I can. I don’t really know why, but watching fairytales with happy endings when you are a teenager is so much.. of a harder impact then watching them when I was five or six. Maybe it’s cause I understand that I can never really have a happy ending. Or maybe it’s because I understand and maybe relate to the brief glimpses of heartfelt agony. But of course Disney twists it, sugar coats it, makes all turn out ok.

    But… honestly.
    It’s not ok.
    More so then it ever is ok.

    You’ll find more agony, grief, and tragedy in the world then you will find happy endings and unconditional, beautiful love. So when I watch kid movies, I almost want to scream at the screen to stop telling me lies. Almost.

    But then I like watching them, in the back of my head, wondering if the world will ever shape up and love itself again. Hoping. Wishing with all my being that there is till hope for the world to become a beautiful place with a happy ending.

    Maybe not for single people, but in the general view of things. You can’t know happiness and love if you’ve never experienced the opposite of hate and despair. You couldn’t tell the difference. You’d be… blank.

    Sadly, sometimes I wonder why I write things like this. Why.. I’ve just put the finished book on my bookshelf and I sit back down for a moment, listening to the music playing to my right, and I open my laptop and just..write.

    I just like my thoughts wander, my mind curling around the words and melodies playing at my side, my fingers flashing over keys without a glance to prove I’ve hit the right keys. My mind flashing pictures to my eyes of memories and things I’ve seen, of things I want to see, of things of I’ve heard, listened to, and wanted.

    I wonder about a lot of things. I question things. I question everything.
    But.. it’s not always in a negative way. More so I’m curious.

    I want to know how things work.
    Not to change it, make it better, improve it.
    Just to know.

    That’s it. I just want to know.
    I just want to smile and cry and feel.

    When did the world get so complicated?
    So twisted and morphed into something so hard to understand and sort through?

    Can’t I be simple, straight, maybe with curves, but gentle ones. Not violent sharp turns that throw you off.

    “--I just want to smile and cry and feel.
    When did the world get so complicated--?”

    c h r i s ♥