• Dear Sarah,
    writing is easier than words. somehow when I type its like my mind goes onto auto pilot and every single thought from deep within my mind flows from my finger tips. when I want to talk with my mouth...my tounge wrestles those words back in and my throat closes and does not let me utter more then a few sentences everyone wants to hear in which...you can never take back. I remember the day you brought me into your room and said I get to sit in "the queens chair". I knew there was no turning back right then- you had taken time out of your busy schedual to speak with me...and it was then you'd learn that I wasnt the sweet little 18 year old you thought of me as...infact you learned that I had been using drugs, and sadly, was sexually assaulted while intoxicated. Sure I'd givin up drugs, but I had not givin up the anger that transpired a few months before. Drugs was a fist step. Anyways, you wanted me to write this to you so you knew how I was feeling, and while my mind is in a "flow", I'll tell you. Angry, yes, I'm bloody mad as hell. I'm affraid of men, and men in general. If I have the slightest sense of "perverse" intentions, I hate them and I want to tourture them and break their heart, and let them feel the pain and anger I feel. Is it wrong of me? in my mind its logic, pervs get what they deserve, right? yet somewhere I know it isnt. but this is why I'm getting help from you. There was one guy that wouldnt stop calling me sexy and trying to get a date. He thinks he's this really unique, artist, musician man that can be "old school romantic" and tells me its "normal" for a guy to never talk to a woman again after she turns him down on a date and never gives him a chance. He told me he likes me. He said its normal for a guy to look at a girl like me and think about sexual desires. I have news for him. Sex can hurt, it can hurt bad. And I've seen what happens when a man is perverted and acts innocent. It results in stolen...stolen not handed out loss of innocence. And now I dont know what men I should trust. Yes, it is NATURE for things like this to happen...But it isnt humanity. Humanity should not force what is unwanted, if they are empathetic individuals. I sound like a sexist. And maybe these expieriences have caused me to be such. And for this I regreat, I just cant get out of the mind set. When I was a freshman in highschool, a boy used to feel me up daily and there wasnt anything I could do about it. I didnt tell because who would believe me? this was the first step into having the anger I do now. Also, as you know I have had unstable father figures in my life- though I know my dad is trying his best. My father has been a miracle for me, he's introduced me to this church, you and the other most important people in my life. without you all I would have been a gonner for sure. I am used to hanging around adults like you also, after all, you've seen my frustration with other highschoolers. They tell me not to use slang terms iex: "thats so gay". They sit there and cry about the disagreement they had with their boy friend,a and when I try to talk to them and give them advice, they snap at me and tell me to "not talk about it"...it hurts them too much. Yet these are the same individuals that make "rape jokes" or include it in a story they write. Do they think its cool and funny? Do they think they can "understand" the pain and secrets I carry? No. and I dont want to hear the descriptions of the sex they had last night, and the details of their roller coaster boy friend going to third base. Perhaps my anger is my coping mechanism. I do not know. But Sarah, thank you for being there...next time we meet, hopefully you'll have a better understanding of whats in my head.
    Love, _____________