• ...I wish I could talk to you more.........You couldn't possibly be as cruel and mean as what I occasionally imagine.........I'm just sensitive from years of having been back-stabbed, lied to, and abandoned. It's in my head... It's surprising that the one method I developed this Summer to not be hurt by anything said by you that I was so sure would work is just now suddenly failing... I don't know... Part of me wants to cry. Part of me wants to tell you off. Another part wants to keep all of this a secret from you forever and get through my last year of college numbed to a lot of emotions at my core. Something just feels entirely out of place, and no matter what I try, whether it be to take blame for this feeling and attribute it to whatever issues I have or attribute it to you simply having a different atmosphere and changing without warning, something feels wrong. I can't even counsel myself about it because of the nature of the subject. Logic and reason won't completely satisfy my need for an answer when any kind of love is involved unless I strip away all sense of caring I have. But I know you wouldn't like that - it would make you feel bad in some way. So, I can't just be emotionless. Especially after saying all this, it might make you even feel guilty about it, which I can't even deny is a partial desire of mine. It's not like I enjoy it when you feel bad or guilty, but when you don't for something that only makes sense that you should, it's like, "What? So you don't care?" I know that when you read this, it will sound confusing and long-winded, and you won't want to read it. The Meghan I got to know, though, would. She knew that I talked a lot and always had a lot on my mind, but she befriended me anyway. She even let me talk her through difficult times, which I loved. I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I miss that Meghan. I miss my good, close friend. And I still regard you as such, but I feel somewhat tossed aside since it's Summer. And it hurts. A lot. I tend not to think about it, but right now, I am because all I want to do right now is just enjoy some late-night anime watching with you. Hang out, spend time with you. I don't like showing when I'm hurt because it brings others down. I could go back to never showing any negative emotions and still seem fully functional and absolutely fine. I'm good at deceiving people when I try to be, but I just don't want to hurt you at all. I guess the way my experiences and my head see it is, "I care this much, but she only seems to say she cares deeply and then makes little effort to show it when it really matters." And your usual response would be something like, "Sigh... Justin, you think too much. I do care. I'm sorry that you think I've changed, but during the Summer, I just have a different atmosphere at home than at school and don't feel as strong a connection to my friends from school when I'm not physically around them." But that, to me, is not a response to what I've been saying. It's a "Here. Have this quick, easy fix. It works for me. It will work for you." I work hard to tend to your needs and wants and be your good friend, but I don't feel that same effort from you anymore. If I'm truly so easily tossable just because I'm not physically around or because you have enough friends at home, then I'd prefer you just tell me that outright. otherwise, I don't understand, and I think about it throughout the day. And to be blunt, the reason I can't get this out of my head is because you once said you loved me. Then, after you had some fun with me and I helped you get out of a troublesome situation (two, in fact) and I bought you a gift, you just left me there - not even in person. What was I to do? Cry and plead and throw a fit? No. I'd sound like a freak and a loser who couldn't take a simple breakup that, technically speaking, wasn't even a breakup because there was no official relationship. I responded with, "I understand. I accept your decision. It's okay. Hurt me. Hurt me all you want. I can take it." So, it's my own damn fault, isn't it? Isn't that the easiest answer to choose? And why wouldn't it be? One person. One blame. One solution. Ya know, I can't even figure out what bothers me most anymore. Isn't that sad? I mean, you're still fun to be around. I can still have a great time with you and others without much interference from all these thoughts. I proved as much to myself last Friday. So, why does it bother me so much now? Damn it, I've locked my heart away to keep from being hurt, haven't I?! I'm only typing all this at a time when you don't have to immediately read it so that I don't overheat my body yelling to nothing about it all and making it impossible to sleep at night, which would then make you worry about me more. But why worry so damn much about what you care about and what can worry you when I'm the one hurting?! It doesn't make sense! Why can't I worry about my own damn self for once? ......sigh.... I know the answer. But I'm the only one that knows the answer. No one knows and/ or cares about me enough to remember this little fact about me. I believe that so long as I worry about others, at least one person will be there for them. At least one person will notice them. Comfort them. Talk to them. Take care of them. Get to know them. They won't be alone. Nobody will be alone so long as I'm around. Oh, but except for one person... But hey, if he ever depended on somebody else, he would become dependent on that person too much... So, he NEEDS to be alone. And, as long as he never thinks about it, so long as he can lie to himself long enough, everyone can be happy. Then, he can die, and nobody will ever remember that even a single person was lonely. Perfect. Ugh... But that's a deep-rooted issue that really doesn't have any relevance to what was bothering me earlier... Sigh... And to think, you'll never even read any of this. Because I'm going to cut this out of this Facebook chat window. That way, you'll never know I was so bothered, and that lie can go on and on. Forever. Sleep well, Meghan, sleep well. I love you.