Sunrise and Sunset

• Artist: Sakura-chan Angel of Envy
• Description: This was done a long time ago but = I figured I'd take some critiquing from my peers on Gaia. If you want to use my poem, please atleast ask before doing so since I would do the same thing for you.
• Date: 02/03/2009
• Tags: sunrise sunset

Birds twitter and flowers bloom.
Animals awaken with strength anew.
Dew drops sparkle upon blades of grass.
While windows become like foggy glass.
Rays of sunshine stream through the air.
While the wind lightly whistles along without a care.
And all the while I just sit alone and stare.
While everthing whispers, "All is fair."

Now most animals go and hide.
While others seem to come alive.
The once bright sky turns to dark blue.
And starlight replaces sunlight that streams through.
Children sleep, peaceful and sound.
I continue to watch as the world goes round.
But there is a different tune that seems to come alive.
It comes from all the animals that strive.
And all just to stay alive.

Comments

[Gylfie531]

ok sorry i wasn't done but i ran out of space. xD
now for positives:
you had excellent word choice. great job capturing the beauty of these two moments. i like how it's got simplicity, yet holds depth. you don't blab on (which i do); you get your point across without being too wordy. obviously, i'm very wordy (took me 2 comments to say this). great work on this poem.

[Gylfie531]

this poem is very good, but i do have a few suggestions:
1. in both stanzas, the first two lines don't rhyme. i'm not sure if this was intentional, but if you're going to rhyme later on you need to be consistent and start out rhyming as well.
2. the second stanza is 9 lines long-an odd number; if you're going for an AABBCCCC scheme like in the first stanza, this won't work. if you're trying to rhyme in pairs of 2, this won't work.
if you weren't going for rhyme, ignore the criticisms. 5/5