yes i poked a bear today and live to tell about it. although it isnt as exiting as it sounds because im speaking metaphorically- for the most part anyway.
yes, my friend is very depressed and nobody around her wants to try to do anything about it so its left up to me to be the one to kick her into shape. so she comes into class just wallowing in a gigantic cloud of self-pity and wont tell me why, she usually doesnt have a problem with telling me whats wrong but things change-except for her attitude toward life. i want to know whats wrong though, mostly because i care, but partially because if shes going to be smothering me with her negative energy then i want to know why. she says theres nobody there to listen, no one who cares, no one she can trust even though im probably one of the most loyal people anyone can know. i will always be there if she needs to talk even if she doesnt accept it.
anyway, back to my story- i poked a bear
she was sitting there looking up people dying on youtube and i decided to take action and try and kick her into shape one poke at a time and maybe get an answer as to what her problem is this time. so i walked up and poked her right in the back of the head.
she said "dont poke me"
i replied "i just did, what are you going to do about it?"
she stood up with this look on her face that made me think 'oh s**t' but i stood my ground
there was a little more dialog, i started talking about how she was all bark and no bite- i know pretty well she wouldnt hurt me, she never has. and then she started talking about how there isnt anyone she can trust. i tell her she can trust me. she says im not anyone- so i slap her, try to snap her out of it and make her realize just how wrong she is and open her eyes so maybe she wont purposefully burn a bridge to a really good friend.
she tries to slap back but i block it with my arm.
she starts going on sarcastically, saying "i love how you know me"
the thing is you cant know someone who wont let you
but the thing is that apparently i know her enough to know she was all talk and no action
somewhere in all this madness of (partially) misdirected anger at me i got a second slap in and she continued with telling me that i dont know her and that im nobody.
and yet i still knew her well enough to know she wouldnt hurt me, she hardly even tried other then with her words where i can tell she was just trying to push me(the last person who seems to care) away just like the rest. yes i've been though this mental abuse before. perhaps its my need to help people, but im starting to lean toward my masochism as the reason behind why im drawn to people like this.
and after all this was through we were segregated to separated sides of the room, the two guys and liz were talking about their issues and i said a few times to know one in particular "i have a monster headache" which had nothing to do with the previous encounter that got my heart racing and my blood pumping so hard that i thought it was going to explode out of my veins because i had this headache sense around 8 something when we(rechelle and dude) found out that the bus got a flat and we werent going to be a school on time. any way about the third time i said i had a headache she stormed out of the class she comes back about ten minutes late and sets a bottle of water and two red pills right beside me. shocked and confused i looked at the pills and the water, then i looked at her and i couldnt stop myself from saying "what the hell?!"
i think around that time i had to help bring some keyboards and mice to my algebra class. i get back and the stuff is still sitting there dude that went with looked at the pills and said they didnt look like poison so after some time considering whether or no i should take this gift. and then i realized if i dont give trust then i will never received it and i gratefully the pills that clearly said motrin on them. about half an hour later my headache was completely gone...
so what does that about her? does she want to keep me as a friend or what? im so confused, but im not gonna let it get to me
 Pyrjess · Tue Jan 29, 2008 @ 03:54am · 5 Comments |
