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Here, where i live, with my 2 brothers and my father, cannot be eligible to be called a home. I live ina empty exsistance of a family. I hate my brothers. I dislike my dad. And Mostly I hate the attitude and the way they act and are. My dad; Perfectionist to the core and claims thats a good thing. Blames us, His children for the misery hes gone threw, that we ruined his life, that he had the choice to take us in or leave us, and if he had left us in our collapsing ecosystem of a home that he'd have a better life, with a wife and alot less worries. We are, I am the problem. I love him becuase i am his child and its in a childs' nature to love their parent. But i hate him also. Not him in exact, but his behavior. Im never good enough, to attempt to conversate with him is just knowing your going to argue. I cant talk to him. I desire to just talk to him. To, just say how i feel, to have someone there. I have friends who are there for me, but friends are just friends. They cant replace family, or atleast they cant replace the eternal longing for a family's love. For a family's normalcy, for someone with the same blood pulsing thru their veins to be a family. Someone, something, that is only found in the place u call a home. But i do not have that. I live with maniacs. Idiots. Retches. Pigs. Hollow strangers. I cant call these people that have my blood, that are in this "home" my "family." Their not that. I refuse to call them that. I dont care if I may sound self-rightous or stingy of sorts, but their not how their ment to be, atleats in my eyes. Its choas, its... its .. Its indescribable of how pethetic and horridily retard it is. I want a family. I can live with friends and their familys, but it'll never be the family i wish, i lust for.
I want to go home. But my home doesnt exsist. I want to go home. I want to go home. i want to go home...... but tell me... you cant go to a place that isnt there. Sometimes i sob in my pethetic excuse of a alone place just out of the fact that in the other room, thru the wall behind me not even 5 feet away, are people that arent what i want: Arent a family. I hate what im forced to call a family. My brothers: I dont dare start about them.. I hate them. If i left from here, i admitt i'd miss them all to a very very small extent but i wudnt be hung up on it for long. I'd get over it fast, Mabey getting homesick every once in a while. But thats normal for me. I get homesick when Im here. I want, I wish to be at home.... when I'm at home.
My mom. I wont ever have my little mother to daughter moments. The moments where your mother, the person that made you into exsistance, your Earthly Savior, share a tearful embrace, or a confused understatement. I wont have those. I can't go to my mom when my vision is blured with liquid hurt, Nor can i go to my dad, or anyone here. Im alone. And thats what hurts the most. My mom is going thru kimo therapy from breast cancer, and when i heard that she had breast cancer, I secretly wished on the inside that she would die, that she deserved to die. But when i let it sink in a night later... I sobbed. Because if she had died, all faint hope, all Pitiful faith that I might ever have a mom like that would disapear and that was spirit-crushing.
Ive said to my dad "This isnt my family, i dont want to be here, I'd rather live out on the street by myself... Aslong as Im away from you people.." And he'd respon "How cold. Dont you care for all that we've sacrificed for you?? What I've had to go thru?" And then it'd turn into a arguement once again. But i dont think they know, How hurtfully alone this place is. I cant talk, or let anything out to my family members. And believe it or not, thats what family is soposed to do in its' list of duties as your family. But i guess all my life, I'll grow up with a un-filled gape in my soul of where my family was soposed to be, to have filled. I'll have to go without a family, Living the rest of my life in a apartment full of dysfunctional strangers. And honestly.... i dont exactly know where Im trying to go with this, .... but I have to just get some of this out before i break down again. I seem stable to my friends but on the inside Im not. My soul... is kinda like an old mountian ledge, slowly crumbling away slowly everyday, sometimes faster on some days where harsh jokes are pointed at me or where a giant, screaming battle rages when i come 'home' from school. Others sometimes slower, when i laugh away, Faking my smiles, hiding the crumbling inside my soul. But then, when the crumbling stops at last, and the ledge cant hold any longer, It breaks. Snaps in half. Breaks apart. Shatters. Whatever you may call it, and Behind it, a bottom-less ocean of pain escapes; For the ledge was a barrier from it running free, and with it gone, The ocean spreds over my soul in pulsing, raging waves of tears and anger, bitterness and utter sorrow from years ago. It comes out, cuz i lock up my negative emotions and feelings in my soul, forming that bottom-less ocean, and sometimes I start to bawl about things that are still lightly unforgiven in my heart frum years, years ago. But I am in control of it persuasively. I am able to sense, when that mountian ledge, that barrier is ready for brink of collapsing, and am able to wait to the right moment when Im alone, un-able to be heard, sensed, seen, or even be known. Then i let it collapse. They whole time, using all my being to hold that ledge up astray just long enough. My slight pushing back at it, forcing to stay up a small while longer, but before long, even my persuasive fight agenst it fails and it crumbles agents my palms. Before i cant hold it back any longer. Sometimes Im able to hold back for days. Mabey couple weeks or so. Sometimes.... Only an hour. Only a day, a afternoon.... Sometimes.... Im not able to hold it back at all: my strength at total loss and even tho Im still pushing agents the barrier to stay up, it breaks, cracks at points and some of the negative ocean-water escapes from these cracks, and I cry. Not sobbing, just slow tears falling as they desire. And then Im able to just keep the barrier up with those cracks for a, what seems like eternity, untill Im alone, and I cave in. I let go of that barrier, i quit pushing back and let the water flow. I do all this, for one reason. Well mabey, Two. One is that, I hate letting others know I cry, or Im crying. And go to extremes to hide all sorrow that is inflicted upon me. And Two, is very simple. Its just that. I don't want to deal with it. I dont want to cry, to feel bitter, to mad at someone, to feel guilty, to simply feel Pain. And simply Im sick of crying, but even if ur tired of crying u cant force yourself not to cry. Mabey some people can. But not me. If those tears want to come, they're gunna do whatever the hell they want to.
And even now, writing this only as a little out let of my life, im feeling regret, letting others know my problems, my pain. I dont want to seem insane or scare off my close friends. Im afraid to death of being left. And thats why i dont like telling others about my true feelings or whats on my inside. Because I dont want them ton know, To care. And thats the most oddest, and wierdest thing about me. Is i dont want people to care. I do not want. Them. To care. And when someone expresses that they ever care to me, For unknown reasons, even to myself, It makes me tear, Cry, Hurt. I think alot, and im a very logical type of person like that. I think things thru over and over, even simple details, as long as I dont understand completely about it. And Ive thought so long about why I dont like when people care. I feel so overly greatful and happy when i know someone cares, but also aside those feelings, i feel regret of them knowing, and the Feeling of wanting to just simple Cry. Mabey the reason is my family hasnt cared all to much, and Ive made myself get used to feeling un-cared for, worthless. Hidious. Ugly, and cursed. Deeper put, I hate myself. And when someone cares, It defies my logic, because i honestly beieve Im worthless, hidious and many other things. And when worthless and unimportant is clashed by love and caring for that worthlessness, Its to much for me to take and I can only cry. My logic is so very twisted and opposited. I cant stress long enough and hard enough to other people how MUCH i utterly, and truely believe Im worthless. My life is worthless. Thats why i would die for pretty much anyone, except a few people who go agenst what i feel, just because i simply think they're more important. ........... The way i was treated after my parents' divorce, the way i was forgotten about, hated, abused, abandoned, and simple was not important to any other exsistance for a point in my life... It messed me up, ******** up my thinking, ******** me Up. I proved it to myself once, That they didnt care.
I hid for a day, and waited to see if anyone wud notice if i was gone. I came out of hiding later, and Nobody. Not my brothers, and certainly not my mom, Had even remembered I was alive. They were surprised to see me, Like if I was a grandma showing up on a sudden visit, like they'd totally and completely forgetten i was even alive. So sense then, because of the way i was born, and the way my brain is wired, i subconsciously forced my self to make logic of what was going on around me, and the only sense that made was I was not important: Worthless. And so, back to the fact of being cared for, I want people to care, like my family, cuz its all i want... yet i dont want people to care because it makes me hurt. But also yet, I do want those people to care because Im so alone, and lonely, that it rules over my logic and I want them to care, but when they do, I regret that I ever wanted them to. Im so ******** up. And I know it. and I wish to change it. But i cant. My surrounds shaped my this way..... and Im stuck like this.
I hate My family. But Most of all. I completely, Truely, Utterly, indecisively Hate me.
 forcing myself 2b social · Sun May 04, 2008 @ 09:03am · 1 Comments |
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