So, problem is back.I've been depressed free for...a bout 5 days.
I've had minor depression episodes, as some would call it
but this one is ..the type that affects my work and eating habits.
Along with the way I treat peolpe.
It's...honestly, a pain in the as s.
I don't mean to be this way, but I just am.
Anyways,
Suzu-niichan is outside. Knocking on my door.
Telling me to lighten up.
He slightly gets it.
But whatever.
No one can honestly help :/
Geez.
Where do I go from here?
I guess a whole bottle of that Korean Alcohol in the fridge would be great
OH WOW.
I'm an alcoholic. I'll just drown myself in alcohol in hopes it will somehow fill this void heart.
And somehow this is suddenly about my heart?
What the hell am I thinking?
I'm fine single. My life is going great. What's wrong?
I'm such a fricken pansy.
Just because my life has something to lack, it gets me all depressed.
Wow. So it must be something great then? Maybe.
I guess it must be my void "heart".
But the heart is only responsible for pumping blood through your veins and such.
It has no emotion. It's just an organ.
This all comes from my mind.
I'm stupid.
Complaning and ranting doesn't get me anywhere.
But do I know what do to, to get me somewhere,
when I don't know where that..place is?
You understand?
Like...I know I need to do something for myself.
To..get me to where I want to be.
But...
I don't know what I want to be.
So I don't know what to do.
Like..if I wanted a honest relationship,
then there. I'd know what to do.
But since I don't know if I even want one,
what?
What do I do?
I doubt I'm making much sense here.
I'm doubting my existance and such.
I don't think I should be alive right now.
I have my dog in my room with me. He's addorible.
But...
Suzu-kun is still knocking. I don't think he's giving up.
So aside from my depression,
end it all with the sharp objects in my room,
or
answer the door and hide all of this depression?
I'm trying to get over it.
Okay? So no need to make any labels for me.
I'm just..
I'm stuck.
I know I don't like being like this.
But when I'm not like this...
I really have nothing to do
or live for.
And..when I feel like this,
it makes me feel human.
And that...I can do something.
(example, complain and such)
but...
I don't know what's going on with me.
I'm sure just writting this helps me,
even if it's just a little bit.
So by writting this, I'm helping myself.
See? I...I must not be that hopeless then.
Right?
now...
Should I answer the door
?
