I didn't have to wait long to find out that today was going to be hell.
actually,you could say that everyrthing was my fault .....I should know better than to have breakfast with those idiots,yet today for some ******** up reason,my mind wasn't working.
what happened?I don't know.....I usually don't talk when I'm eating with them 1) because I know how stupid it is to do so and 2) because I usually have other things on my mind(and that usually leads them into having a "talk" with me).
I don't get something about my "family" .....why the hell do they want me to talk to them if 1)they get mad weather I try to or not and 2) they all hate my guts (and everything else about me).
anyways....I eat breakfast today with them and I was still asleep (now I'm just shacky and I want to cry.....again).....I guess I got them mad when the a*****e of a father that I have was giving me a hard time (along with the b***h also known as my mother)...so I decided to make a sarcastic remark that apparently they didn't understand and the b***h got "offended" by it...what the hell?! if they don't want me to talk than don't go nagging at me at 9 something in the morning cause I can't control what I say.....I tryed but I failed cause they really pissed me off today......you know that speech that your parents usually have for whenever you don't want to talk and the whole talk it's just to bring you down while they laught at you in front of you (and then they get mad that you left the table rigfht after you finished shoving down the food stare ).....well,I got that lovely speech and it really pisses me off because they do that everytime we are eating and there is NOTHING I can say or do to please them when that talk comes cause they will always get mad at me....there really is no way to win......so I told him them first thing that came to my mind
him:"I'm going to have to train you to be happier"
me(thinking to myself ...you're such an idiot,you are the reason for my unhappiness and you want to "train" me ?!?! ******** you".....outside: "how about we pretend like we don't see eachother?"
after that I left.....and after a while (like 5 minutes latter) he entered my room and yelled at me and ofcourse he slapped me....yes, he did hit me...across the face....really hard......hard enought for me to fall (thankfully I feel on my bed and not on top of something like all the last times this happens).......yes,I hate him....and I want him out of my life....and I've been crying most of the morning and hiding my tears the rest of the time cause they are here....yes,I'm "working" right now and with them to make it worse and I can't wait until I get to school were I am safe from them.....my fingers are shacking....they've been shacking since this morning and it's hard to writte....jut's hard to concerntrait......I wanted to call my sister so she would calm me down this morning but I knew that if I did that them I would have gotten yelled at again......I live in fear in that place....every meal....every step I take outside of my room.....everything gets me afraid.....when I hear the car parking outside and I hear they're voices I get scare.....the worst thing about this morning was the aftermath.....it wasn't bad enought that I was crying but I also had the suicidle feelings come back......it took all the strenght that I had not to cut myself (that plus hazel and yami did a nice job trying to calm me down).....I know that if it weren't cause of the promisse then I would have right now 2 deep cuts on both of my wrists........I still feel suicidle right now....mainly cause the slapp brought bAck all the nasty feelings I had.......I'm going to put this here....just in case something happens that is beyond my control......in my funeral (and I know that I might scare someone with this )...I want purple flowers...mainly roses......no one should be allowed to wear black cept for those who truly cared for me (that would be you sister)......I don't want my family there....cept for grandma.....and my oldest of all brother.......if I am to be burned them I want my ashes to be thown into the wind(by someone that cared for me....I don't want the b***h or the assholes doing it)....so I can finally be free......thats about all......I'll try my best at not hurting myself.....but I doubt annoyone around me at the moment cares.....life is so annoying when you have to be stuck with people you hate and in return hate you as well.
 yamiruri · Wed Oct 05, 2005 @ 05:25pm · 2 Comments |
