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gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


There are many a day....there are many days

I sometimes wish
Lonni were here
:c

because, he is cool beans.
I can be my silly, energetic, probably off the wall sugar high like a 5 year old, me.
Because I'm comfortable with him.
Like I am with a very good, old friend,
that has somehow run away again. At this point I'm not sure if I'll ever see the "love of my life" as she calls herself. Haha.
We're so close and chill, we don't even need to call each other our "best friends". Though when I bring up another "best friend" she gets offended, well not really, but jokingly says "I'M YOUR ONLY BEST FRIEND!" Jokingly, I think XD
ohoho.



I think Lonnie would be a nice addition to this...circle of crap.

To be honest
I don't think anything would be better though.
He's...he doesn't exactly..go this way -flails-
if you know what I mean :/
so, I'm...


well, my life is screwed either way.



I don't know happiness if I don't have her,
Lonnie is the closest thing I've found to someone like her, but...
is unavailable.





I just realized,
in a non-platonic relationship,
I'm basically looking for that best friend?
No, not really.
I'm just a pathetic,
really really pathetic,
hopeless romantic.




No, no I'm not.
I act like a 5 year old when I'm totally in kahoots for someone.
Really?
No, not really.
I don't even know what I'm like when I'm in "kahoots".
Haven't liked anyone o A o
its so weird.
Okay, well yeah I did.
But I kinda ignored it seeing as there is no point, theres nothing they'd see in me, so hey, what the hell did I see in them?
The question still goes unanswered.


No, actually. It doesn't.

If I were paying attention to what I said about what I'm looking for in someone,
hell,
the "What the hell did I see in them" question is easily answered.
Which I find creepy.









Huh, I wonder if I'm old-fashioned or something.
I don't go places unless I'm invited,
and I keep my word for outings, and meet-ups and stuff like that.
And I don't like being at places where I'm not wanted, or needed.
You don't need me,
then I'll go home.
You don't want me,
yeah. I'll be at home.



I don't like being that kid in the corner just sitting there and wat-


I have a way different idea of fun then most of the people I hang around

I've realized I'm very active.
No,
I'm just a 5 year old.

I like going out, walking around.
Actually, I have friends like that.
The only problem, can't...really find a day where we are able to go out and stuff, you know? So I'm stuck with the crappy people.
Yes,
I'm calling you crappy. I think you're crappy.

Oh, and another one that..well, just likes going out, so I invite them over, and then I Drag them all over the place.
It seems that as long as I keep them fed(LOLOL YEAH ITS KURO) and...well we make pretty Purikura pictures,
its all good XD (oh, and as long as they have the right footwear)
I'm so adventurous!
I kinda can't wait till I could drive.
Because I wouldn't really.
Well, maybe. I'd...drive...to the mall and park there. Or...some kind of parking structure.
And just walk around town. So then, we could stay late, and not worry about the bus!
Yeah. That would be cool. Because, you know, I like walking all over the place.


Gah. I am soo like my dog.
Seems so kinda...dead/out of it
but once you let that leash off,
oppp run away.
Yeah,
well, and sadly come back.



I can connect with my dog.
Trapped in a horrible place(no, no, just a boring place. My dog actually has it easy. Sleep, wake up, poop, pee, eat, run around yard, go poop on the street, greet people, then come back and routine starts again)


I sometimes wonder if a non-platonic relationship may save me from this horrid feeling of being trapped.


Gurrr
I'm so god damn insecure :/ I hate it, but I can't help it.
I really, really hate it.
Gaaaahhhh I'm so stupid >_<
I wish I could change with a snap of the finger.
But I take a while :c damn it.

bububububububbubububusrgipofjkoiguhjlsnrgf
such bad insecurities.
Which is probably why Lonnie and Her are on such a high pedestal in my eyes :c
They're very, very attractive people.
She's my best friend, she loves me the way I am.
Lonnie is my homeboy. I think he loves me XD lolololol we went over that like, thrice. Within the past three years of the...4/5 that we knew each other o A o
They could totally do better, as in not have me as their friend,
but...we're such coolbeans.
Its...its nice.

I just hope its not pity.




I think,
if I ever decide on taking a shot at this myth called "love"...
I'll just take it when it arrives at my door step.
No, I won't just take it.
I'll examine it, who knows, maybe its really, really bad, and deadly o A o
Because,
I don't like looking for things :/
unless its my dog when he's under his blankets. Because its so cute XD he just comes up like a snapping turtle (NO HE DOES NOT)
just sounded cute, for some odd reason.


Anyways....
:/
It just occurred to me,
if Lonnie were here,
maybe...maybe we'd be in a relationship?
It'd probably be complicated.
Most chill palls then anything, really.
At least thats another person to run around town with! biggrin

huuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr



I hate these feelings.
The feeling of not being needed/wanted :/

oh well.
I have classes,
with a friend thats totally chill with me biggrin
so, I don't really feel completely disliked.














Is that...a phobia? XD
fear of being disliked?
Thats...I get like that sometimes :/
I don't like it if someone doesn't like me and says it behind my back. I'd want them to tell me they don't like me, and why.
I have an obsession with reasons why XDD
Like, I won't dislike someone unless I have a reason why I dislike them D: if the best reason is because they're stupid,
I just say I don't dislike them, that I have no thought towards them whatsoever.
Ahhh













I am a normal person.


I'm boring,
I'm ridiculous,
I'm uninteresting,
I'm no fun.














There.














Oh, and I'm really quiet.















I think...I think I'll hang around girls more :/
they don't....really bother with trying to make you talk.
If you don't talk, that means they will.
Either that or, as long as you have a sense of humor conversation is easy.














I'm never shy >_<














and I like beautiful things >_<














LOLOLOL MOST OF MY FRIENDS ARE ARTISTS














so I guess I found the right group of friends
:3
the only problem:

being busy when they aren't ; A ;
Chinen got me two Rilakkuma folders for my birthday :3
thank you~!
they're so cute. I like them.
Keita is so funny. Keita was like "WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME?!"
"I did. But your grandma came~"
"Oh, oh yeah. Ahahaha"

because we're too cool to run around the track XD we just...walked.
Guuu. Physical education is such a drag ; A ;








anyways,
blah blah blah.
I really, want to try out a romantic relationship,
no. More like a "complicated relationship"
anything that isn't Platonic XD
Non violent.
I don't....hahahaha
Maybe, I'm just wasting my time wishing I found someone else, here, like Lonnie? Because, gah just coolbeans.
Coolbeans.
Or, or someone like Soneda. Quirky, weird, and...awesome? I don't know.










I'm stupid, thats all I will say.
I hate myself because I'm stupid,
XD
unattractive,
uninteresting,
really shy
and extremely insecure D:
Like RuPaul said,
..err...
something like
"if you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?"
D: I love myself, personality wise. Not like, the whole shyness and whatnot, but its okay D:
I like myself, I guess you can say.
So...so yeah.


I'm totally capable of caring for someone else.
I totally unconditionally care about Lonnie and her,
and all the other stupid people I see more then the other people I just hung out with today?
I don't know.


I'm really, really stupid.


Sometimes I wish I had some sort of musical talent.
Then, then my insecurities wouldn't seem so stupid
I could sing/write/whatever about it
and...it'd be coolbeans.



I just want someone that I can hug whenever I want to,
without it being weird
:/

because,
because I don't get hugs -goes in corners and cries-
but really,
I like hugs >_<
I got addicted to them
when the dude(that now hates me and probably wants me dead)
said I gave the best hugs, and always wanted to hug me. Even said once, that he never wanted to let go XD


well,
same here D:














I want to be someone's Koala.
~.~

maybe, maybe literally.
Give me a piggyback ride? haha
Naw.
I sound clingy, don't I?
Physically, yeah.
Emotionally, any relationship I'd get to would be really, really complicated.
Physical attachment,
I'm really bad with emotional attachment. Maybe I'm Bipolar? Because, like my mother said, my mood, every day, is a total roller coaster.



@_@
I want to tell someone I love them before I die.
Like, someone as in a romantic interest.
I'm sooo damn pathetic.
Just listen to me.

If anyone is reading this, and you've got this far,
you know what? Let me know, I'll...I'll owe you a huge a** favor.
And I just hope you don't share with the world that I'm pathetic :/


I don't like how some people make it seem like I'm scary D:
do...do I come off as scary?
Like, a little off the rocker, energetic I understand.
But...just, scary?
And I don't mean you walk by me in the hallway and I look pissed off scary,
I mean...people that "know" me think I'm scary?


I'm not.
I'm really, really pathetic and wimpy.
I don't like hurting people >_<
I don't like being around if you don't want me to be there(then again, who doesn't?)
I don't like not liking things without a really, really good reason.
I'm very, very insecure,

I always point out my millions of faults to myself in an effort to try to correct them.
But, you know,
can't alter genetics.
Well, maybe your outward appearance
but I don't have the money for cosmetic surgery, now do I?














Ahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm not Bipolar :/
gaeiogjhflghnoiursljgkfnvxjlkh



I think,
I really, really think I wasted my time today,
going somewhere where I was exactly...welcomed.
I thought I was....but, not really?
I don't want to be that person, that you just pity, so you let them come with you and whatever the hell.
I really, don't want to be that person. It annoys me.
Ugh.


I guess I'm back to being coped up in this sad excuse for a home until...until I...until maybe beach adventure with Chinen and Keita
aaahhhhh







抱きしめて


Empty feeling.
You know,
you know what?
******** you. You're the worst thing that ever popped up in my life.
I don't need you.
I don't want you around.














oh, melona bars.
Thank you :/













FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
I still hate you.
Because I can LOLOLOL no.
I don't dislike you.
I don't care for you.














you're an a*****e.

I want to tell someone I love them.
Because, because it feels nice.
Or, or I think it feels nice.
Does it feel nice?