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"Lye, I'll race you to the car!" I say turning around to look at her. She smiles but doesn't say anything. It's surprising how I know that this isn't normal behavior for her. Seven years ago I met her on a website, though I can't recall the name, and I can't recall who found who. All I know is that day changed my life, and if you were to ask me then if I could see myself seven years in the future carrying boxes of her belongings into our shared house, I would probably reply, "Hell yeah!" At the time though, she wasn't the one who owned my heart. She wasn't the one I was in love with, and I never believed I would fall in love with her, but it happened. I wish it didn't. I wish it didn't with all my might.
"Slow poke!" She screams racing past me. I roll my eyes and run after her.
"This isn't fair! You're a cheater!" I shout in her direction. At the time I didn't know how true this statement was. At the time, I didn't know that that fact would make me lie alone at night with my eyes red and puffy and my cheeks moist.
Ahead of me, she slows down just enough for me to catch up. Now this is fair game. I run with increasing speed down the driveway with her right by my side.
"Aw come on Toe! Slow down for me, please!" she begs, and unsurprisingly, I obey her. No one else on my life would be allowed to call me a name as hideous as Toe, but of course, she's the exception. She said Topaz was too much of a mouthful, though it's only two letters more.
Together, we run across the street making a passing car honk. Laughing, we crash against the side door approximate seconds away from each other.
"I win; I win; I win!" I jump up and down and do a little victory dance. She laughs, and I turn to face her, smiling. I can't explain how much at that moment I wanted to ask for my prize and sweep her in my arms. All I knew is that I wanted that a lot; I would do anything to get her.
"Want to get those last few boxes while I park?" She asks. I didn't really, but for her, I would jump through fire, so I just nodded and walked over to the trunk, picking up the remainder boxes and loading them onto my arms. I tried to rest them on my side, so I can close the trunk, but that was clumsy and I ended up dropping them.
"Gosh Toe, you're such a klutz!" She torments closing the trunk and getting into the driver's seat. She leaves me to pick up the boxes by myself, and though it's not hard work, I wish she would offer a hand. Lye has that way with people. If put on her bad side, she can make you wish you were never born. That's what hurts me the most about her. She can make me believe that I don't belong in the world, and that I'm a mistake, but she can also make me feel as if I'm the most important person in the world, and that I'm perfect. It all depends on her mood, and I can usually detect her swings, but today my radar must be on break.
Lye holds open the front door for me as I approach it and smiles. "I can't believe we're actually doing this, Toe! It's just you and me now against the whole entire world. It's hard to imagine that we were separated for years. Now, at last, I have you, and nothing is going to change that!" Though I didn't admit it then, four years ago she had me. She locked me in with her charms and because of the overuse of my key, I broke it. Now I can't get out; I'm stuck inside like gum on the bottom of a table. At this moment, I don't mind. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I drop the boxes and step into our new home, looking around. It's a small house, nothing like what I'm used to. There are three rooms, one of which is right next to the kitchen, and the other two are upstairs along with a bathroom. The downstairs bathroom is more like a powder room, shoved in between the family room and dining room. In the kitchen, which is located off of the curve of the family room, there are two walls that are lined with counters. In between two countertops at the north of the kitchen, there's a stove. On the right wall, there's a lone refrigerator, humming quietly. Sadly, there's no place to put a dishwasher, so all dishes will need to be washed by hand at the sink located on the left wall with the rest of the counters.
Lye laughs at the sight of our new home. "It's hideous, isn't it? Well what did you expect we could rent with two college girl's salaries?" I just smile at her. I wanted to have a role in picking out the house, but she insisted that she could do it on her own, and that if we waited until I could get out of Minnesota to do it, there wouldn't be any good houses left. The only choice I got to make in the house choosing is the basement. I told her that if our house didn't have one, I would not live there. She insured me that this house has one, but I haven't seen it yet, nor have I seen a door or steps leading to it.
Lye must've seen me looking around because a moment later she grabs my hand, pulling me out the front door and says, "It's over this way. Why do you want a basement so bad anyway?"
"Tornados, you need a place to stay. Safest place is underground," I explain to her as she searches her pocket for the key to a door on the side of the house.
"Yeah, sure, like I believe you're afraid of tornados. Come on, what's the real reason? Is it because you want to have sex without me hearing? You know, I could always just shut my door and turn music on really loud, but that probably wouldn't drown you out, would it? I bet you're a screamer!"
"Can we just not talk about this, please?" I ask, feeling myself blush because the fact is, I am loud. There's just no way she could know that for a fact, and I'm not about to let her know.
Finally Lye pulls a key from her jacket pocket and unlocks the door. "Well here it is," she says, walking down the stairs. I follow her, and as I do so, I look around. The basement is all cemented, the walls, the floor, not exactly what you would call cozy. There are boxes stacked in a corner, probably left behind by the old residents. Cobwebs stretch across corners and the ceiling, and there are scratches all along the walls. Large poles stretch from the floor to the ceiling, and water pipes stretch around the top of the walls. I sigh knowing that Lye really didn't care about what I wanted. If she did, she wouldn't have picked a house with a basement like this. Turning around, I jog back up the stairs and out of the prison looking basement.

"Toe? Toe, are you mad at me? I got a house with a basement, just like you said. You didn't even give me a reason as to why you wanted one, so I didn't know that it had to be a good one. I just thought you wanted a good place to store boxes of crap that we'll never want to see again. Come on, Toe, please don't be mad at me." Lye's practically on her hands and knees in front of me, but even though it's hard, I try my hardest to ignore her. For the past five hours, we've been unpacking our boxes, and exploring the house, destroying spiders' homes and killing dust bunnies. We've mainly been keeping to ourselves because after I left the basement, Lye knew she better stay away for awhile because my panties were in a bunch, but just a few minutes earlier, she figured I fought my wedgie and won. She was wrong. I'm still mad at her.
"Toe, don't walk away from me. If it will make you feel any better, just tell me what you're thinking," she says, wrapping her hand around my wrist as I try to turn around to go up to my room.
I shrug off her arm and stare at her. What I want to say is: "You want to know what's on my mind. Fine. You're on my mind. You and your selfish ways. For once, I just want you to notice that I have needs and wants too. For once, I would like you to put me before yourself. For once, I want you to look me in my eyes and tell me that you love me, and that you would do anything for me." But I don't say that. Instead, I take both her hands in mine and say, "I'm not mad. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been ignoring you." She smiles and falls onto me, wrapping both of her arms tightly around my body.
"Good! You scared me. I thought you were going to leave, and then I wouldn't have a roommate anymore, and I'd have to pay the rent all by myself, and I'm just so glad you're not mad!" She starts rocking our bodies side-to-side, and I can't help but smile.
"I could never be mad at you," I whisper.

"Dinner, what would you like?" I repeat myself for the third time. Lye just stares at me as if I have clown paint all over my face. I walk over and sit on the edge of her bed, shaking her shoulder slightly.
"Lye, you're awake. I see your eyes open. Just tell me what you want, and I'll make it for you." She blinks a few times.
"I thought we'd agreed that I was in charge of making dinner and you doing the dishes," she says, finally.
"Well we did agree that, but it's already 7:30 so if we're going to have dinner than we better have it now before it gets too late," I reply. She gets up on her knees and puts her hands on my shoulders. Her face comes very close to mine.
"We have all the time in the world…," She begins to explain, but I cut her off.
"No, Lye, we don't. We both have classes tomorrow morning, and after that we both need to go make a living. I want to go to bed soon, so I can get up early to go running and take a shower before my first class which starts at nine. You know what, if you don't want me to make dinner, fine. Just forget dinner," I complain before stomping out of the room. It's the first day, not even the first full day, that we've been living together, and already, we have found things to fight about.
I walk into my room and close the door, lying down on my bed. Lye can get me mad so easily sometimes; she has been able to the entire time I've known her. Even though most of the time I deserve it, she gets so mad at me sometimes that she will go days without talking to me, and that kills me. I don't understand how she can tell me she cares so much, but once I make a mistake, it is so goddamn hard for her to forgive me.
I roll over onto my stomach and bury my face in my pillow. Soon, there's not a dry spot on the pillowcase, and I throw it to the ground, wiping my eyes. I overreacted. I know that now. I never should've yelled at Lye just because she didn't want to make dinner at that moment. She's had a long day, and I should've just let her off for tonight, but the thing is, I didn't. I never do. I never think before I talk to her, so I always end up making mistakes. Always.
I roll off the bed, throwing my feet under me just before my body hit the floor. Practically running to Lye's room, I throw open her door and belly flop onto her bed. After realizing there's a solid form beneath me, I roll onto my back and turn my head to face her. She's smiling.
"Did you come to say sorry?" She asks.
"No, I came to steal your pillows," I reply to her, giggling slightly.
"Oh, then in that case, I'm not speaking to you." She thrusts her lower lip out and begins to pout. I get onto my knees, so I can be level with her.
"Please don't be mad at me. You know I'll always come to apologize. My little Lye-in-ator, will you please forgive me? I was a very bad girl, and I'm so sorry! It'll never happen again!" She smiles, and I can tell that she finds the bad girl addition funny, and, knowing Lye, she'd probably find it inviting as well if a different person were to say it.
She taps my bottom lip as I force it out just a little, making a puppy face and says, "I forgive you, Topaz. Now go to bed." Grabbing one of her pillows, I get off the bed and start for the door. As I leave she smacks my bottom making me squeal. Closing her door behind me, I walk down the hall back to my room and turn off the light, leaving my door slightly ajar. I strip from my clothes and pull on a pair of black sweat shorts and a black "Girls Like Me" t-shirt. When I bought the shirt, I thought it was a band from the ancient times, or a saying meaning that there are others out there like myself. However, when I wore on one of Lye and my video chats, she told me it meant that girls like me, literally. It made perfect sense too because two years earlier I came out to my parents that I was gay. That was five years ago. We got in so much trouble because of that video chat, and for reasons that I don't fully understand, she walked out of my life, again.
Thinking about the past reminds me of something buried at the bottom of one of the cardboard boxes. I'm not sure why I hid it. I'm not ashamed I still have it, and I'm not worried about Lye finding it. I know she would understand why I kept it, just like I understand why she kept the things she did. It doesn't hurt me to see the bear on her bed because it reminds me of how happy she used to be. I want to say that she still is happy, but there's something inside of her that isn't full. I want to be the one to fill the hole, but that would mean having her fill me up too.
I feel my way in the darkness until I find the last full box and dig in it until I find the smaller box. Opening it, I take out the shirt that she gave me. She being my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life, the one I believed I would marry.
With the shirt in hand, I get onto my bed and crawl under the covers. Laying my head on Lye's pillow and holding Stacey's shirt, I had a part of both of my favorite people with me.
Eight years ago, when I first met Stacey, I laughed at how preppy her name was and planned to break her heart. I was in seventh grade, and I guess you can't really blame me for being such a b***h to her. She was also a girl I met on the internet, and when I met her she was depressed and cutting herself. I studied cutting and the reasons why some do it, but I never really did it myself. I thought about taking a knife to my skin, and once or twice, I actually put a razor blade to my wrist, but it wouldn't cut.
I was depressed, same as her, but for different reasons. I was popular. I had the friends that everyone wanted to be friends with, and I was one of the girls that all the boys wanted for a girlfriend. What I learned from being popular is that attention does things to your head. No matter how much you have, you want more. You want attention from the pretty girls, the jocks, and even the nerdy boys and losers. Being an annoying bug all throughout elementary school did things to my reputation, and everyone secretly knew that I wasn't living up to the pretty people's standards, but because I was friends with Lindsay and Amber, I walked around the hallways with my head held high, insulting all the girls that weren't as good as me.
Even though I knew that wasn't me, I couldn't quit. I was too afraid that they would call me names if I was nice to the mentally challenged and leave me to go through the rest of school alone. That's why I fell into my depression. I knew I wasn't like the other girls, and I knew I didn't want to hurt any more people, so for the first time that year, I reached out to someone, and that someone just happened to be Stacey. I told her everything would be okay, and I cared about her. I honestly did. When she didn't log on for weeks in a row, I would worry and ask her friends if they knew where she was and if she was okay.
Then it happened. Just months after we met she told me she was in love with me, and I don't know what inside my mind changed, but I knew I liked her too, and the feelings I had for her couldn't be ignored like the feelings I've had for other girls. I was too afraid of the thought that I could be gay though, so I told myself that I'll be with her in the summer, but at the beginning of September I was going to break up with her, so I could go out with all the cute boys at school.
That plan only lasted for about five days. I called her, and the moment I heard her voice, I knew I was in love, and I was terrified. I never told her that the thought of finding someone whom I could be with forever scared me. I didn't want her to believe that that meant I didn't want to be with her because the truth is, I couldn't even imagine myself not with her. After I heard her voice, I just knew we were meant to be. She sounded so beautiful—later when she sent me a picture, I found out just how beautiful she was—and every time after that, all she would have to say is hi to make the butterflies in my stomach go wild.
After a year and a half of being with her, I was finally able to meet her for the first time, and I can still remember every detail of it. I remember the way she gave me one of her shirts, so I could forever have her scent with me.
The scent isn't on her shirt anymore. It went away a few days after she did, and though I still miss her, I don't cry over the times we don't have together anymore.
I roll over onto my stomach with the shirt resting between my head and the pillow, though it should be the other way around. Lye was always getting in the way of Stace and me. She would pop up in my mind while I was talking to Stace, and I would force her back down. I wasn't in love with her when I was with Stacey because I made sure I wouldn't fall for someone who hurt me so many times, but even if I did fall in love with her, there's no way I could leave Stacey. I loved her more than the world, more than my life. I don't know how or why I let things get so complicated, but I did, and I regret every second of it.