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I swear, I have to be.
One moment I'm totally fine, the next I'm just....my god.

I am all over the place. All the ******** time.



Anyways, she came back, for now at least. I feel so bad. She changed these past 3 years. Better for her though, I guess. I don't know.
I'm just happy she has no major regrets in her life. She's living it, you know?

I'm still the good kid. Doing nothing wrong. No drinking, no drugs, no being a ho
XD haha
Betch. Don't call me a ho.

Anyways, I notice, though, this really isn't the place for her.
I really can't wait until we're finished with school, and she can go off, back to California where she really fits in.

And it makes me ask myself, "where the ******** do I belong?"
Like, I don't feel like this is home, where. But this is the only place I know. I'm just too scared to grow up. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life.


And it gets really annoying, too. I have probably one of the worst insecurity issues within....the very little people I know. You have no idea just how bad it is. And it's stupid too, because I actually try to feel comfortable in my own skin, but no matter what I just can't. But I still try. Even though I feel as if it's in vain.
When I have a moment between giving up and trying again, I just forget about it.

My god. Just..Today isn't my day, okay?
Like many others. I just need to vent. I'll be fine.

Sometimes I wish I just had an entire day alone. Because it is summer, and now, I'm never home alone, you know? And if I am, it's at night. But then it's too late to make noise, let out some frustration.


When you're frustrated what do you do?
I sing at the top of my lungs, with a burning passion for every song that plays.

But I can't do it very often because I just....can't do it during the day. I don't want to hear knocking on my door like "ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE?!"
No, no what the ******** do you think?

So I am usually stuck just venting in little stupid journals.
Which I read later and laugh at how pathetic I was.

I'm a major p***y. I swear to god.
My insecurity has got the best of me, majority of the time. It's so ******** annoying. I don't want to be like this, but I can't help but feel this way.


I need someone.
I need someone to vent to, about my insecurity issues. Not for pity
Just for someone to listen. Just...to listen, you know?
Not like, over the internet, or through letters.
I need someone, in person, to just sit here with me.
And let me cry my ******** eyes out. I think that would help a lot.
Because really, just writing this to myself,
it's the same as bottling it up.


I just need someone to talk to. Someone that would listen. Not say anything, not repeat what I say.


but I don't want to cry in front of others. I just can't.
I'm too much of a "toughie" or I'm too "mean" or "scary"
crying is just....
it's like completely letting my walls down, you know?
I can't do it.
But I want to.
I need to.
Someone that won't think less of me.


I think..maybe,
I'll have a day. I will have that day,
I let it out.
And feel so much better,


maybe all of my insecurities will be gone, and I can work to become a better person and smile all the time, right?


I'm thinking of asking her, but....you know, I don't know.
I feel more comfortable venting to someone else, because with her, I want GOOD memories, you know?
And then I have someone who I talk to about personal stuff, and whatever, because they forget about it easily, no repeating it? And I don't see them like, rarely. So maybe it'd be good.

I need to ask someone,
if it's okay, if I just vent to them.
I can't do it over the phone,
I can't do it over an IM window,
I can't do it over a letter,
you get it.

I need to
in person.


Something I've never done before.
I have to.



I must.















Damn.
I'm always trying to improve myself. But then I'm my biggest obstacle. ******** preventing my own self from becoming better.
I think, if I just let it go, it'll be gone, right?
It should.














s**t.