Dear love
This isn’t something I can think about and write
The words just need to flow from my fingertips
Because without that subtle movement of my fingers
Feelings will be lost
Words will be deleted and mixed around
I need this to come from my heart
So you know exactly how I feel
I love you
But that doesn’t seem to be enough
Do I not say it enough?
If need be I’d say it more
I’d stand on top of the tallest building
And use the loudest microphone
To shout, “I love you, Brittney!”
So the entire world can hear
And know that you are mine
If you are mine
These last few weeks have been difficult
You don’t want to talk
You don’t want to kiss
You don’t want to make mad love all night long
I know I’m losing you, baby
I know I am
But I would do anything to make you stay
I’d be the ghost of your past
To you take you back to our first couple of months
To show you how you came to me
Blood dripping from your wrists
Tears in your eyes
Begging me to help you
Begging me to care
And I did
Regardless of how you lied
And I’d show you how it was that caring
That made you fall in love with me
Only after did you fall in love with my personality
My looks
My voice and laugh
So why is it
That you’re falling out of love with me
When that caring is still there
And you know it
I tell you everyday
That you are beautiful
And that you make me proud
To be your girlfriend
Every day I tell you that I can’t imagine
What life would be like without you
Because you are my air, my food, and my shelter
And without you
I would die
If I could take you back to the past again
I’d show you how much you loved me
I’d show you dialing my phone number
Every single day after school
Knowing that you were going to get in trouble for calling me
And how on every Monday
You would tell me how much you missed me over the weekend
I’d take you to winter
With me curled up on the couch by the fireplace
And you whispering your desires and fantasies
Telling me how much you crave me
And with that thought still in your mind
I would take you to a few months ago
When we made sweet innocent love
On top of your feather mattress
But I’m not the ghost of your past
I do not have the power to show you the good times
But you, you can be the ghost of your present
If you were to just open your eyes
And realize how much has changed
You say, “You too”
When I tell you how much I love you
That is not the reply of a lover
That isn’t even the reply of a friend
“You too” means nothing to me
Because it’s saying that you don’t even care enough to say “I love”
You don’t answer
When I call
You don’t get excited
When I tease
You don’t reply
When I ask you questions
I will not take “I’m not that kind of person”
As an excuse any more
You are that kind of person
Or at least the girl I fell in love with was
I’m not asking for a whole declaration to be made
That will come later
In your vows
When I ask you to marry me
Which takes us to the future
There are two possible futures in store for us
The first one is the one on which we’re heading
The one where we fight for a few more weeks
And then we come to a rough break up
Anger
Sadness
Loneliness
Regret
Helplessness
Lost
Bad feelings
That’s all we’ll be made up of
How can we smile
If you go your way
And I go mine
You’ll take my happiness with you
Because your voice is why I smile
You’re love is why I breathe
And I know that sounds cheesy
And corny
But it’s the truth
It’s how I feel
But we don’t need to end up that way
If only I can show you how much I love you
If only I can fix this terrible crack in our windshield
We can have the future we dreamed of
We can get a puppy
And adopt a child
We’ll get an in-ground pool
And skinny dip late at night when the neighbors aren’t watching
I’ll take you to amusement parks
And hold you while you tremble out of fear in my arms
Because I’m making you go on the Ferris wheel
Even though you’re terrified of heights
But you agree to go on it
Because I promised to protect you forever and always
I’ll make you hamburgers and hotdogs
Because I know you love them
And I know eating them puts a wonderful taste in your mouth
I’ll buy you sketch books
And pose in any position you want
Even if my back aches for days and I can’t move my neck afterwards
Just so you can practice your drawings
I’ll take you on a picnic by the lake
And when our napkins fly away
I’ll chase after them
Looking awfully stupid as I do so
Just to make you laugh
And each night
When we cuddle in bed
We won’t even remember the fights we have today
And if we do
It won’t matter
But I know the length of this
Will drive you away
And you won’t read it
So you won’t know how I feel
You won’t know that I don’t think you love me anymore
Because I can’t feel it
So I’m sorry
I’m sorry I’ve wasted two years of your life
I’m sorry I wasn’t a better girlfriend
I’m sorry I can’t save us
I’ll always love you
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