I am too afraid [Apr. 7th, 2005|08:12 am]
[ Current Mood | peaceful ]
[ Current Music | Pressing on to a new day ]
I guess this is the dark side of me that no one will ever see and im hoping it will stay that way. You have no idea how much I feel restricted to not saying this but ohh well I'm sick of it just sticking inside of me pounding at every breathe i take. Everyone is a teen at once when you start "Developing" well I didn't tink it would be like it was. I guess it all started back when my broth was addicted to porn he made my parents lock up the computers so we couldn't get on them (man has that changed :p). Anyways he had a video down in his room that I was curious what it was because I had never really seen porn and it seemed interesting. That was my first mistake I took the video upstairs and put it in my other bro VCR then watched it threw it was about some stripper and a detective and they were having sex ALOT. Anyways after seeing that it was kind of a wierd thing because at first it seemed interesting but then after u start to think about it gets worse and worse I didn't like what it was doing to how many feeling I had they were all spewing out of me I wanted to not watch that video again but my hormones told me to do it. Well evidently I left it in my bro vcr and he had turned on his vcr to watch something and it turned on and he was wondering how the "he,," it got in there. he went downstairs and threw it in my other bro room. I dunno why but I felt kind of bad because N(bro wit vcr tired of writing my bro :p) had though it was B(other bro with porn) who had watched it upstairs. Well for a while I didn't bother looking at porn again then I was down in B room and saw a dvd and it said someting like breast women or someting I have no idea exactly but I put it in my xbox and watched all over it some over and over. I had to keep quite about it though because I was looking at porn and well my parents didn't know. Well then I started to realize why people "jacked off" becauase it felt good. I started to do this for about 2 weeks then I thought that it was only bad if you Jack off but I tried to not do it but it came naturally. When I really thought about what I was doing it felt bad again. I took the CD and grabbed a pen and scratched the CD all over it then broke it and threw it outside in the garbage I felt so proud of myself then. Well things like this kept happening but I started to use the internet for porn yahoo search so that my parents coudln't track what I was doing. For about 3 years this continued me not telling anyone trying to just quit by myself it never worked. Because every time I tried I figure "okay this is the last one better make it good cause no more" Well that is what pulled me in each time because I remembered how good it temporarily made me feel. Then about 2 weeks ago I started to get back into my religion heavily as in reading, praying, attending church, mutual(scouts), and seminary. This kind of opened another door for me. Sorry but I guess this kind of majorly happened because I was having a major crush on Ashley and she made my life turn around though she will probably never know it. It moved me back on the track of living my life of how it should be. Not just living how I wanted to be Thanks Ashley. Anyways two weeks ago I just said I give up after I had been jacking off for years. Then the temptation came back a few tiems but I kept refusing it and I never felt like I needed it. But one time I was kinda sad and lonely so I did do it but it was a quicky and I regret that I did it but glad that I am now away from all that crap!!!
steckle Community Member 
|
|
