She said she would be there. She said it! It's been almost a year! No check-ups or anything! She doesn't care. Why doesn't she care? I know I was wrong...I nearly killed myself over it..but please...I can't keep doing this. I can't keep pretending everything is okay. It's not...It's not..I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Sentimos, oh dear God..sentimos. People say that if it hurts this much when one leaves, imagine how great it'll be when the right one comes along..but I can't! I can't do this..he's out there...and dad..it's worse...please. I..I'm not sure what to do..I thought I had it planned out, but I don't. Your last words..they keep echoing in my head.
"I'm just not ready to be with somebody yet." and then I said,
"No, you're not ready to be with me" and then you said,
"I'm sorry" and something about being there if I ever needed you. Well I do need you, so bad. It hurts. I'm not hungry a lot these days..I keep getting weak and I passed out once..mom and dad say that if I keep doing this, they're taking me away. They won't say where, but I think they mean the hospital. I don't want to go, but I feel so alone..I know I should..I've got friends..and kitty...everyone is trying so hard to make me happy..but I can't..December 14, 2009. That's the day everything happened. And my eidetic memory supplies it perfectly. I didn't speak to you..I was a coward, afraid of the hurt I knew was in your voice even though you said you weren't angry. I lied. I'm so sorry. I'm not even sure..If you would even just message me..tell me you're over it at least a little bit so I can try to move on..I know you are..I've been following you in forums...you write so wonderfully. And I sound like such a creep! But..it hurts so much...just to see something related to you out there...it makes me feel better. Tell me to move on. Demand it. Or listen just once..to my REAL problems..just don't ignore me like I was never here..please..I can't cope like that..I have sleeping pills under me right now. Two bottles hidden under my mattress. I've been thinking about them a lot lately..and the bleach in my closet. I know it would hurt a lot..but not much more than stitches, right? I'm not threatening..I just want all this hurt to be gone..the guilt...someone..tell me it's okay..
 Sempiternal Hell · Mon Nov 15, 2010 @ 09:17pm · 0 Comments |
