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or, it feels like it, every morning when I wake up I feel cold air surrounding me. I never really feel alone any more, when I really wish everyone was gone sometimes, just to have solitude, that can't be disturbed.
I've been alone for almost 3 days now, no friends, and it's like my parents aren't here either, no matter how close I feel to them, I still feel like we're a mile apart....
I feel like it's all smiles when I'm in their sight, and then when my back is turned, they plot my death. Lots of blood, lots of laughing.
But I have given no reason. To those I hurt, I apologize, but never more than I need to, sometimes it's not good to give too much, it gives people too much of a sense of secretive power over people...no body should have that, so I never give it, though others might.
It feels good to be mean, though I know it's wrong...
I know I have the best friends I could ask for, because they don't run away from me.
My hands are cold, and it hurts to type this. But, I need to get this out of my head, and on the computer.
I look out the window, and I see my dog, he's layed down with his head up, just stareing at something, maybe nothing, but what makes him do this, bordom...with his family...of this house, or maybe of his life....
I question that myself, but maybe it's worse not exsisting anymore, when you leave this life, you take parts of other peoples lives with you
suicide is just someone who needs a way out, and has looked for an answer, but not in any of the right places. It's a selfish thing to do. I would like to despise those who do it, like my teacher....but I can't...I feel like there is nothing to cry about, but I cry anyway...
some of my friends have decided that my new name is "emo screamo" they tease me and make fun of me for things I never do. Or sometimes for things that I say that are funny to them, maybe to me too, but only for a short while.
I should be mad at them, I've given them no good reason to call me such a name, especially for the wrong reasons, but I can't help but smile and go along with it.
If I get mad, they get mad at me back, call me weak, or that I shouldn't say things, if I can't take them, and they're right, but they have no damn reason to be mad at me, bascially they aren't hypocrites, they're like me, they like other peoples pain.
I confuse pain with pleasure sometimes, so I can take a lot more emotional hits than some can. Sometimes I can't.
I think I might be pessimistic...
my mom asked me what good things happend this week, and I did, but there was always a "but" after them
I had a band practice with Deni and Caitlin, and Deni brought up that she was going to go to J&J's, my mom called there, and some idiot said that they never have under aged shows. He was a complete sodding idiot, so at first I didn't think I would be going, so I went to a coffee house on Monday night, me and my mom, and watched my dad play with some collage musicians, one of them I recognized, for he had come over to my house a few months back, to play some piano at our house. (he was VERY cute)...and there were plenty of cute guys at the coffee house...then.....my mom is on her way to going to Dan's bar, when she stops by J&J's and saw four of my friends , just hanging out. So she asked someone else about the shows, and this time this guy says, ya our shows are under aged shows, so she comes and gets me and I got to go to J&J's and hangout with all my friends for almost 3 hours until midnight, and then went to my friends house, still smelling like ciggarettes...but, I didn't sleep hardly at all that night...and woke up the next morning with the worlds worst cramps, and my friend had to listen to me b***h all that morning until my mom picked me up...
I also got to skip community service on Saturday, because I was spending the night a Caitlin's house for her b-day party, but....I (this is more on Caitlin's behalf that I say "but" wink I was the only one who showed up...BUT, we did have lot's of fun. We went to "On the Border," we had a gay waiter, which was awesome, and the hottest waiter there brought us our food, and called Caitlin "sweet heart"...he had "777" tattooed on his arm, I wonder if he was religious or something...then we went and saw "Ultraviolet"...which I had no idea had anything to do with Vampires, or "hemophages" as they called them.
not much has happened since then, besides a guy from my school telling me I'm hott...
he's cute, I suppose... xd
anyway, I'm done rambling for now...
later, suck-a-ducks...
 ZOMBIE FAIRY WANTS BRAINS · Fri Mar 17, 2006 @ 06:55pm · 1 Comments |
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