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Tonight, I broke down. Yup, broke down D:
Well, lets go back to the root of where all this started.
My brother. My friend, one of the people who I can tell anything to, my brother. As most of you know, he's always hitting me and whatnot, but tonight was different. I finally decided upon the decision, after many nights of heavy thinking on it, I'm bisexual (or bi-curious). My brother was bothering me again, and somehow, that had slipped. Now, he's knows almost everything about me (scary to think, I know, but it's just about truth) but he was mostly shocked of this, than anything.
"You're bi?" He asked.
"Yeah, that's what I've decided on. Either bi or bi-curious," I replied.
He laughed at me, said nothing for a while, then started to throw cards and objects just laying around my room at me.
So, a little later on, we decided we wanted to rebuild the Lego castle we bought some months ago and it had got destroyed (of course, we couldn't find all the pieces so we improvised some), and he continued making fun of me, punching me, and throwing Lego's at me. I snapped. Something inside of me just broke and tears came flowing out my eyes. And I mean flowing.
I felt so hopeless. I'm so skidish and jumpy all because of him, if someone even raises a hand near me I'll jump inches in the air, and I told him that and he said: "Whatever, you're just a coward!"
So, at this point; self-esteem/confidence = 0%, hatred = 50%, depression = 50%.
I ran to the bathroom, cried my eyes out not knowing what triggered all this, started hating myself, blaming myself even more, then I was finally out of words, out of breath, and out of tears . . . but even now (it's been a few hours since all this) I can still feel tears that want to come out. I'm still digging myself into a hole, I've lost count of the days it's been since I last talked to my love and my life (my boyfriend).
I'm just a hopeless, weakling, coward . . . I guess it's true . . . a coward . . .
 Olive_the_Monkey_Ninja · Tue Mar 28, 2006 @ 09:12am · 2 Comments |
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