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The Life and Mind of DamnBlackHeart
This is to help me stay actively writing. So expect to see rants, tips on writing, thoughts on subjects, me complaining of boredom, reviews, anime, movies, video games, conventions, tv shows and whatever life throws at me.
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This may be something that you may or may not wonder about me: why do I take so long in texting or calling you back? Even more so, when it’s been a while since the last time I’ve talked to you. The problem isn’t you, it’s never you, it’s me. It sounds like some ridiculous breakup excuse, but it is the truth.
It happens every single time I’m put into this situation. I’m not joking. It could be with friends, family, or a random stranger. Outside I appear neutral, but internally I’m freaking out in what to say and what to do.
It’s even worst when I’m the one that wants to talk to someone and it takes me a while to work up the courage to just do it. I freak out about what they’ll say back and what they’ll think of me for contacting them.
When they’re the ones to initiate the conversation I’ll worry about what to say to them and how long they’re taking to respond. Because I automatically think the worst. I worry that I’m being annoying, that they’re angry at me or think I’m such a imbecilic loser. I try to be logical, like remind myself they’re busy or they’ll get to it when they can. It doesn’t always helps with my thoughts. It’ll may last for a few minutes, maybe an hour, before my mind goes back to being negative again.
I’m constantly worrying about what I say and do. If I’m being a terrible, stupid, useless, or unworthy person if I say or do something wrong. There’s no off switch. This doesn’t happen just with talking or texting. It’s so much worst when I have to deal with actual people. This is why people see me as shy and quiet. It’s not the worst thing to appear to people as, but it’s like my default mode in how I function in life. That’s why when I get to know someone after a while -- it’s not just because I’ve gotten comfortable around them, it’s because I get less of those negative thoughts when I’m around them. I’m not as afraid to be myself. I’m not constantly over thinking whether I’m being annoying or stupid, basically feeling like my every action or words being judged (even when I know that the person isn’t doing that to me) . It still happens, which is why I’m still quiet, but again, I can’t control it...
So when I’m being quiet, it’s not because I’m bored or upset or shy. It is not that I’m thinking negatively of you or don’t like being around you. It’s because I either don’t know what else to add to the conversation or I’m worry about what to say without sounding like a buffoon and how to phrase it (and if it’s a question I worry that I’m not giving the correct answer, even if I’m correct and if it isn’t correct -- I hate myself up for being wrong).
A quote comes to mind, “Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves.” --Michael Ian Black
That first line, speaks to me, because that’s pretty much what social anxiety feels like to me. It’s not for a moment, but constantly. I’m always thinking negatively and harsh thoughts about myself. Even for simple, every day things -- like purchasing food and interacting with the cashier isn’t easy for me. They may not be a big deal to people, but it is to me. Even when I apply logic or worst case scenarios to help lessen my worries it doesn’t matter.
It would be nice to know what it’s like to be free of this. The only times I have come close to it is when I’m finally able to fall asleep, when I lose myself in a good book or the internet because I don’t have to second guess everything single thing I do or say.
 DamnBlackHeart · Fri Oct 14, 2016 @ 03:53am · 0 Comments |
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