This is true, all is what happened to me.....Iopened up and I feel like s**t so comment if you wish whatever I don't give a s**t right now.....
Well when I was fifteen I learned we were moving which needless to say made me very sad. I made a great friend before I left.
Just the thought of meting such a nice person was painful for me I didn't want anything to do with having to hurt that kind person....and back then I thought for sure he was the sweetest guy ever
SO to distance myself I sat in the dark and listened to my music and pretended not to notice him, but nothing could stop it I ended up really like him. Then about three months before I left I decided to talk to him.
I started to talk with him and the more I did the more I liked him, until I had a huge crush on him. his smile bightened my day even though I would never smile, I would never let it show that I cared....I was very cruel.
the three months passed way to fast and I had to leave Italy.....the last day I saw him I almost cried but I didn't want to show him how I felt, I was scared to.
It was another month after the last day I saw him and thats when I join Gaia.....I joined solely to stop my thoughts...>I hated myself, I hated the world and most of all I hated my parents for making us move away. Everything I wanted it to go away. I thought constantly of killing myself of ending it all to shut away what I had done to shut out that I had hurt that guy by talking with him
Then on June 28th we boarded a plane and flew to Rome. from there we waited for several hours for our conecting flight...we then boarded that and flew to New York City.....where we got a car and drove to Indiana. We were going to be living in Ohio but whe in Indiana we went there and saw what it was like and came down to Georgia where I saw how horrid my Grandparents were.
So we stayed here and liveed with them for many months...I hated it here I hated everything. My life was full of hatred. There wasn't a thing in this world but him that I didn'thate....Little did I know then that he would end up hurting me the most.
I started school here and made some great friends who really made me come out of my little ball of hatred. I made a vow the day my friend Lissa made me laugh to never hurt a person out of anger, fear, sadness...any emotion it didn't matter I vowed to never physically hurt anyone if I could help it.
Last year ended fast, It was filled with much laughter and much sorrow. I started to talk to that boy again and I was happy...till one day his emails stopped...at first I thought he was sick, then I thought he was angry at me, and finally I started to block the memory of him. The school year ended and summer came.....I mostly just sat around doing nothing but playing my games...hiding from life.
Then we found our computer and got internet...That was a happy happy day for me.....I found his email and emailed him.....I put a lot of anger into it too!
Then the day for school to start again came...it was August 14th...the day before my 17th birthday...I was sad and he hadn't talked to me in a week....I thought I had done something wrong again....a few days passed and I go in otuch with him again and he asked me out...I was foolish and accepted......
About two months passed and I met my boy friend now on gaia...hehe It was funny .......but I didn't start talking to him for another week or two when he sent me his MSN messenger thing....then we started to talk and not long before this but me and that other guy had been having some bad issues...he kept insulting me and my friends.
It took me about a week to build up the courage to do what my brain and my heart were both telling me to do.....It was a bright and sunny day and about 5:30 Pm on a Sunday...I talked to my boy friend and I told him my emotions and told him I didn't want to be with him that I was unhappy with him, I told him that all the things he had been saying had really bothered me and that it was over.....
agian I almost cried but held it in... a few months passed and I began to really depend on Michael for happiness and I would tell him this and he would simply hug me and say it was all okay that everything was fine. I felt safe and loved each time. but one day my ex boy friend started to talk to me agian and I emotionally collapsed and wouldn't talk to anyone.
so many more things happened but those don't matter.....what matters is the things my ex said, his words like daggers tore at me and made me wish to die...I knew then I was nothing but a callous b***h from hell who deserved to die the most painfully slow and horrid death......and of course me being the honest perso I am would tell Michael my feelings.....he made me promise not to hurt myself..and
a week later after the last time my ex talked to me I got a random IM from this boy, he claied to love me....I pushed him out saying I didn't know him and I was devoted to Michael.....this boy was very suicidal, he wanted to be with me no matter how much pain it caused which mad me angery.....that one time I went back o my vow and yelled at him...the last thing he said to me was
"I hope your happy with him b***h, I'm going to go kill myself." Thats when I started to cry. Tears came out and wouldn't stop no matter what I did....I don't know what happened to him but I think he followed through on his promise to me...I think I caused him to kill himself and I couldn't stop crying....I haven't been able to cry since then either.
 Annal Combustion · Fri Dec 22, 2006 @ 04:38am · 1 Comments |
