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* Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!
What? What was it?
It was a voice, saying, "Blargh blargh blargh honk."
That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened.
...
...
... That's not true. Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!

* Awesome. Whodihoo!

* Okay ... Church, is trying to get a translator ... So that we can talk to each other ...
Tucker, the enormous alien doesn't speak our language, speaking slowly is not gonna help.
What? I'm talking to Caboose.
Oh.
I don't understand. Are- are- are you Hungary? Tucker are you Hungary? Are you cold?
What? No.
Do you need a blanket? Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?
Dammit no, Caboose I'm not cold, I don't want a hot dog, and if you put mustard in my ******** sheets again I'm gonna kill you.

* Well, my life's officially over. Time to go kill myself.
Wait for me!

* Where the hell'd you get those?
We made 'em. Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets- it was loaded with crayons.

* SMACK
Ahh, what the ********!?
SMACK
Whoa! Mahan, Tucker, that thing either really hates that sword, or really hates you.
SMACK
Aaaaaaaah, get this ******** thing off me!
SMACK
Heh wait a second Tucker, this might be a good chance for us to evaluate how these things fight.
SMACK
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...
SMACK
Now hold still. For science.
SMACK
Not the face, not the face!
SMACK

Well unless you've got your English to Blarg-blarg dictionary, I don't think you got a choice, now do ya.
I had one of those, but I threw it out. It didn't have many pictures.

* Yeahah, take that. Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue-uh damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.
What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base. I mean the Red base, ********!
Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb blue b***h. Red b***h, ********, you know what I mean!
Thank you Sir. I mean suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red.

* Simmons, I can understand your going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks!
The tank is right there for the love of God!!

* Booya!
SMACK
Geegagawboh!
Ooh, the back of your head.

* What do you want Caboose?
I want a pony.

* I'm just glad, I brought my mittens.

* Ow, what the ********, that hurt! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Jesus! Ow! Stop it
What the ********? Ow, ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Now you're shooting me! Give me a break, this sucks! What the ******** did I ever do to you?! COME ONNNN!

* Tex!
Wyoming?
Connecticut!
They're not playing a game, Caboose.
Well, if they were, I woulda totally won.

* Ohhh, Simmons. Why didn't you tell me it was you?
Donut I did tell you it was me.
Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me."
I am me.
But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me," I would have known that you were you. You just kept saying you were me.
That's because Ah'm me.
And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

* Hey where's Tex?
Gone.
Where's the alien?
Dead.
Well how'd the quest go?
Failed.
Yeah you know I, I probably didn't even have to ask that last question, did I.

* It's true, I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing. It's the same ribbon as last place. It's purple.

* She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.
Tex?
Yeah.
Wyoming?
Yes.
Massachusetts.
Seriously, stop it.

* No I mean the sword. You don't suppose that sword is makin' him sick, do you?
I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.

* I'm just worried, man, who knows if this stuff is contagious? For all we know Caboose could be next. Wake up tomorrow morning he's throwin' up, runnin' a huge fever, next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes 'cause his internal organs are liquifying. And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand while he screams himself to death. That's not gonna be any fun.
I'm gonna go take a vitamin.

* I haven't been here in some time, which one is the Blue Base?
It's the blue one.
Hou yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design. Hmm, it's quiet, too quiet.
BANG
Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

* Ask him where he's been, no- ask him where he's going, wait- ask him if he has our secret plans. And if he missed me.
Lopez, do you know what time it is?
I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis.
I ate a pencil.
Adios!

* Well why not?
Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. *cough cough cough* , coughing.

* Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.

* Your friend is-
Dying? Oh no!
No, he's not dying, he just has-
No chance to live. I knew it!
Caboose? One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.
How do I say this, your friend is ... ...
Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.
No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.
Oh good. ...Wait what?

* Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

* Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started.
Alright, what's wrong. You seem nervous.
What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy.

* Yoink!
Whaaa?
Andy? Andy? What happened to you?
Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.
You turned in to a real boy!

* Now you see Andy now we can go fishing, and you don't have to be the bait any more, and we can hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire any more, and we can riding together, and now we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together.
Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!
I do? I wonder what's causing it.
Double yoink!
Andy? Oh, my GOD! ANDY!

* Oh boy, Caboose? Better go boil some water.
How can you think of soup at a time like this?

* Yes it is! See, look closer!
Firing main cannon.
BOOM
Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.
RUUUN!

* We're gonna die!
Run men!
Ah, run away!
No!
Please don't kill me!
No!
Not the ******** tank!
Run!

* Of course, cutting back on the amount of gas you use can be difficult. Most people have a near insatiable thirst for gas. I know I do.
Me too. I drank two gallons this morning.
Caboose, I wasn't using the word "thirst" literally.
Oh. My tummy feels a little weird. *breathes fire*

* Where're you going Simmons?
To an XBox 360 launch party.
XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

* This year, my resolution is to be more tolerant of other people's ideas and opinions.
Great idea, Sir.
Yes it is. And I'll kill anyone who doesn't agree.

* Okay, let's review. This year, Grif resolves to quit drinking, smoking, and overeating.
[******** that, I'm no quitter!
Also to die. Simmons will work on controlling his anger-
God dammit I don't have an anger control issue!
And Donut will stop talking like the French cartoon skunk Pepe la Pieu during staff meetings.
Oui oui, my precious floweur. Hum, huhua, hu hu huh huhuh, huh humhah, humwah, mwah, mwah.

* It's amazing what Caboose will do if you promise him a cookie and a glass of orange juice.
He hates needles.
No needles; it turns out if you just expose some bare skin, the little guy just digs right in!
It's like a miracle to see nature at work.
I feel dizzy!
Um, is he gonna be okay?
Tucker's kid drank half a gallon in one go. I'n't that cool? I think he's gonna be a linebacker. Or a vampire. Or a vampire linebacker! That'd be crazy.
Oooooh...
Anyway blood is pretty important, so Caboose is bound to have some side effects like dizziness, or nausea, or sensitivity to light-
I think I'm going to stop standing up now.
THUD
Or passing out.
Church if I die I want you to have my orange juice.
I can't feel my torso!
I'm still laying here. Why won't anyone help me.
My body... is trying to die.

* If I've been bitten, does that mean I'm going to turn in to one of them?
Shut up Caboose.
Blaaaaaaaaaa-
Shut up Caboose.
-aaaaarg.

* BOOM
The hell was that!?
I didn't feel anything.

Don't leave me with the horrible doctor.
Oh shut up Caboose.
Now he's cursing at me.

* Fuhuck off, Blue. A ship just crashed on one of our guys.
What, this ship?
No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.
Where'd it come from?
It's a spaceship, it came from space.
... ... ... Dibs.
What?
Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.
No it isn't jackass, we found it first.
Yeah but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?
You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous.
Yehehah, yes I can. Dibs- see? I just did it again. Now, get the ******** away from my ship, tomato can.
Don't call me tomato can.
Try and take it then.
Um... okay. Sheila?
You bet.

* I'm fine by the way! Don't worry about me. ...I'm so cold.

* Hey dude.
Vic! Hey, it's Church.
This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.
Hey Vic, this is Church I need ta-
You have reached the voice mail system.
*sigh*, okay okay, come on.
To leave a message, just wait for the tone.
I know how to leave a goddamned message.
When you are finished recording, just hang up. Or press pound for more options.
Really, hang up, no s**t. I was just gonna keep talkin' until he decided to check his voice mail.
For delivery options, press five.
Just give me the damn beep!
To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.
Come on!
To repeat this message, press nine.
I will ******** stab you computer phone lady!

To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.
There is no eleven you [******** whore!

To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.
I hate you!
*beep*
Vic, it's Church, I need y-
I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.
Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

* No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action.
I'm okay! I'm okay!
THUD
I'm not okay!

* Nope. You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, my Mom plays both, 'cause she's like, super-talented.
Oh my God. Is it okay if I record everything you say?

* Why are you, even here it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phonem, and talk to them about this they would understand the situation better.

* What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?
That's Church.
He means the ship Caboose.
He said it.

* Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

* Excuse me, the whazzawha?

* Why would they kill her Grif, she's Blue. It's not like the Blue team goes around killing its own members.

* What? Did you dig in the right spot?
Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't [******** think of that!

* You dug a hole, and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?

* Donut, I'm not sleeping, I was drugged.
Sorry Sarge, he's not sleeping; he's doing drugs.

* York- your old freelancer buddy? Was Carolina with him?
She was already dead.
And what about Bermuda?
That's not a State, dumbass.
Portland?
Shut up!

* One second he was there, and the next he was gone.
What about the second after that?
Can I kill him?
No, I'm saving him in case we ever need him for food.

* Waitasecond waitasecond wait- Why do people keep hanging up on me!?

* What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty backstabbers.
I thought the Blues were supposed to attack us?
Dirty frontstabbers!

* Andy, we're going in to battle unmanned. Low on ammo and with no support. What use could we possibly have for a bomb?

* Yes! Hello evil Church. What can I do for ya?
So Wyoming, you just showed up here and decided to attack us.
Uh, my name is Caboooose...
And now you've caught us at gunpoint, and it looks like we're in big trouble.
Uh that doesn't sound like something I would do. I think you have the wrong number.
Here at Red Base. Wyoming. You found us and are holding us prisoner. At the Red base. Wyoming.
Ah Red Base no, uh, I'm in the ship. The shiiiip. Sheila I think O'Malley has driven him crazy, uhm, he's talking nonsense.
If only someone nearby, someone with access to a tank, somehow knew what was going on and could help us. Someone for instance, in blue armour. Who somehow knew about the situation, and figured out what the ******** other people were talking about, and tried to ******** help us, and then we would be saved.
Yeah, he's definitely crazy.

* Why is it that something dramatic seems to happen exactly every five minutes? I mean, I can't possibly be the only one out here noticing this trend.

* Sheila, I think they might be in trouble.
Affirmative.
I, should help them!
Affirmative.
I could go out there-
Negative.
And help them beat Wyoming-
Negative.
And save the day-
Nope.
And everyone will love me!
What?

* Whoa. Looks like the blue one just got killed by the tank.
A Blue got killed by their own tank? Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.
Hehey, speaking of getting tanked, we should see if the Blues have any beer around here.

Yowza! Looks like the blue one just got sniped!
Hey, speaking of getting sniped, we should see if the Blues have any ...beer around here?
What the ******** that supposed to mean?
I don't know. Sounded a lot funnier in my head before I said it.
Man, I just had the weirdest sense of déjà vu.

Whoa. Looks like the white guy just got stabbed.
Hey, speaking of getting stabbed... I think I have a headache all of a sudden. For some reason I want a beer.
Man I just had the weirdest sense of... meh what's that thing called? When you, think you've done something, but you don't know if you did it?
How the ******** should I know?

* Church! I am coming to help! Don't start without me!
Oh, s**t I forgot about Caboose!
BANG
Eh! I am dead!

* I'm coming to help! Don't start without me!
BANG
Caboose, get the ******** outta here!
Okay bye, I don't wanna help any more.

* Caboose, that's why I always liked you. Everything falls in to two categories. Either you don't understand it, or you just don't care.
Yeah, I don't really know what you mean by that. But I guess it doesn't matter.

* Do it now, or I will kill every last one of you! And then everyone else here as well! Just to prove a point! Mahahahahahahaha!

* Hey uh, shouldn't you try to help this guy?
What?
Aren't you, like the Medic or something?
Yeah okay whatever, shut up you talk too much.
Hey! You think I could use this thing to check MySpace?

* Infected? Initiate Emergency Plan Delta, men!
BANG
Ow! What the ********]
I didn't say who-
Ow!
I think it's actually Simmons.
That's okay, that's how all our emergency plans begin.

* Well no s**t. Donut! Initiate Emergency Plan Traitor Simmons Number Eleven!
On it Sir!
BANG BANG BANG
Ow-how-how-how. *gagging sounds*
Donut! I said plan eleven!
Where am I gonna get a steamroller?

* Ow, the back of my lower legs! Ow, the side of my head! The back of my face! The front of my front!

* Church, are we still talking on the radio?
Muhahahahaha! 'Cause I'd love to talk on the radio. What? What am I doing in this idiot?

* Simmons, where can we get some explosives?
Well, if you recall, we recently saw Andy the bomb and Lopez in one of the caves. So-
Of course! Come on men! Let's got ask Lopez if he knows where we can find some explosives!

* Freeze! Look! I capture someone! I am the best! I mean, I'm the best one that isn't Caboose!
(voice all scratchy) Great job Simon!
Thanks orangish guy whose name I really don't remember.
(female voice) Let's all go shopping to celebrate.
Dar, let's be making him walk the plank.
Oh. Hey Reds. Hey have you guys seen Omega or Tex?
Stop asking questions you! We don't like questions in here. Thinking of answers makes people's heads hurt.

* Jolly good day, Mister Caboose. We be havin' a prisoner for you we do.
I thought you had a pirate accent?
Arr, I'm not very consistent. Yurrr.

* (male voice) Hey what's up.
Hey who the ******** are you? Sister?
Yep. I'm Sister... Church's twin brother. I came here in a spaceship, that came from the moon. It crashed next to Blue Base, and now I live with Caboose, and the people from the tail section of the spaceship, live on the other side of the island.
What the ********, that's like wrong in eight different ways!
Yeah. I know. Tell me about it.

* Yes. Hello Church. You must be very happy to see me.
Yeah, right, of course. I'm so happy I wann ********' puke.

* Stupid babies!

* Awesome, I'm like a ********' Jedi. Aw ******** they're both dead. Quick, somebody kill me. Quick, hurry please, somebod- anybody! Please, just ******** kill me!
Why?
Because I need to get outta here, come on please, hurry, quick just kill me please! Hurry it'll be fun, I'm a d**k.
None of our guns work, we just have them for show.
Mine is just a purse.
Gah, you know, never mind.

* Tex appeared out of nowhere and beat up Tucker which was awesome, and took his sword. Also, someone may have been surprised by that, and peed his pants, just a little bit. Or a lot.

* Red Team, those old rascals. Some things never change. They still wearing red armour these days?

* Whoa, that's weird. I have a sudden urge to conquer the Universe. Which is odd for me because, well that would take actual work... I think I'll just fall asleep instead.

* We're here, is anyone hurt?
Anyone need to be killed? Huhuhahahahuhuhuh!

* You know uh... I don't really feel all that different. Mha, mhu mha, mhu mhu, mhuh. Uh, nuh, feels pretty much the same, that's, that's kinda weird, ah, amean, expected more-

* Boo, no explosion! That sucked.
BOOM
Haha, blammo!
Wow, that explosion was awesome!
What explosion, I didn't see it, do it again!

* BANG
Oh, son of a b***h!

BANG
Son of a b***h!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.
Okay.
And don't shoot me this time!
Okay!
BOOM
Son of a b***h!
Wait, what was that first part again?

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to help-
BANG
Son of a b***h!
Oh, I'm sorry. Doc will be unable to assist anyone else.
BANG
Ah, son of a b***h again. Medic!
Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it. The Reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.
Actually I'm not dead. If you could just hand me my first, aid ki-
BANG
Ohsonofabitch!

Hey ah, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action?
Bow chicka bow-
BANG
OW!
Stay away from my sister!
Son of a b***h!
Grif, I liked him, he was nice to me!
BANG
Son of a b***h!
BAM
Son of a b***h! I can't believe you hit a girl.
Whatever b***h! Reow!

Now it's time to pound some caboose. Woohoo!
BLAM
Son of a b***h!
I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, noone is left but me.
THUD
Son of a b***h.

* But, but the Blues, and... the winning and the, the killing of the Blues, and the murder! Isn't that why we're here? They have a base, we have a base, they have to die! Vic! Vic! Viiic? Vic! Hruh! Fugahugafuh.

* Whohoa, hey Sarge, I'm really glad you realized Command's full of s**t and all, but could you be a little more careful? I almost got killed by a stalagmite!
Grif it's stalagtites. Stalagmites are the ones that grow up from the ground.
Who cares? The point is, I almost got killed by a huge ********]
THUD
Ow.

* Congratulations player! You have winner! Thank you for playing RED vs BLUE Please play the Red vs. Blue 2 The adventure begins to continue again... Coming Winter 2004 soon! Copyright Kobayashi Games Ltd.
Yeah, I am the winner of the, what the hell am I lookin' at?

* What the ******** was that?
That was the weirdest match I've ever played.
Dude that sucked, I got team-killed in like the first ten seconds.
Sorry, that was my fault. Some guy kept screaming in to the mic.
Bow chicka bow wow!
Dude! Shut up.
See?
Bow chicka bow wow!
Alright that's it, I'm muting him.
Alright, let's play another.
Dude I am not wearing that armour again.
Same teams?
Yeah same teams, new map.
New map!

* Church?
Yeah?
Ya ever wonder why we're here?
You know Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders, and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that's happened, you know what I've learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an a*****e, or a pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant or an idiot or know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're red, or because they're blue, but because ya know them, and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them, because they're a complete and total ******** douchebag.
...
...
I meant why are we up here in the sun, when we could be standing down there in the shade.
Oh. Yeah okay, let's go stand in the shade.

What're they doing?
What?
I said what're they doing now?
I don't know man, talking. That's all these guys ever do, they just stand around and talk.
... What're they talking about?
You know what? I hate you.
Yeah. I hate you too buddy.
Hey ladies, get down here! I built a new vehicle from some old Warthog parts we had laying around!
It's an ATV! It's Hawhawsome!
Front 'n' center on the double! We need help naming this thing. And nothin' stupid this time.
I get to name this one.
Why?
Because you named the last one!
Hey Simmons? Just one thing.
What?
Shotgun!
[********]

* Someone help me - I lost my gas powered internet-enabled blow dryer! I have a lot of moistness that I need to dismoisten! And also I need to do it while I am webpaging about moistness.

* Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?
Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!
What?
And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.
What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.
Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.
Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...
Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.
What about HD-DVD?
Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHDDVVDBVDs.

* Whohoa, Church! Did you just teleport here from Blue Base?
Actually I just came back from the future. I got this new wristwatch, it's got a pedometer and a built-in time machine. Oh and it also plays MP3s. But in the future we don't call 'em MP3s. We call 'em MP48s.
Sweet.
Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDVDBDBD player.
Dar dern, they stole my idea.

* I would just like everyone to know I found my nuclear powered and SMS messaging bowling ball. And I'm going to activate it now, if anyone wants to text me while I play.

* Shut that kid up!
Don't tell me how to raise my child.
I hate babies.
Oh come on, take the little brat to the lobby!
Alright, that's it, get him Junior.
TACKLE ... OR SOMETHING
Whoa!
I didn't know it was gonna be an action movie. Ewww, it's NC seventeen action movie.
Oh God my spine, put it back in, put it back in!

* Hey Simmons!
What?!
What's your zombie plan?
I have two weeks' worth of food stored in my attic. I climb up and pull up the ladder with me.
What!?
And what happens at the end of the two weeks?
Oh, I'm keeping that to myself. I don't wanna risk you turning in to a zombie and knowing what I'm up to.
Oh come on!
You still doin' Alaska?
You know it!
You'll never make it, Grif. The major freeways will be choked with stalled cars from people trying to flee the major population centers. It's gonna be nothin' but a tasty flesh bottleneck.
I'm just gonna have to take that risk.
Good luck to you Grif.
Good luck to you too, Simmons.
Are you guys brain damaged?

* Brian... I want Brian...
Caboose it's brains, not Brian.
Oup, sorry, I must have read the script wrong. Moaning... Moaning!...

Bow chicka bow wuuuuuuuuuuuh...

DONE!