But this morning (Saturday morning at around 12:30 or so to be more exact, depending on whenever this entry is posted *not paying attention to the time*), I remembered I had voicemail on my cellphone. So I looked at the Missed Calls list... junk... but then I saw a number that looked VERY VERY familiar. I couldn't recognize who it'd belong to... i kept thinking: Could it be...? Did she finally call me back? Is it her?
Now to fill you in on who I'm talking about is my old therapist from back in 2004. Her name was Kelly B. (Not gonna say her last name). I liked her. She was very nice. It was fun having her around. She was more like a very good friend, rather than a therapist. I called her either on or around July 4th. She never got back to me... I was afraid that she didn't use that number anymore (although the voicemail was the same as before.) Since I never got a reply, the memory kind of... shifted to the back of my mind.
When I checked the voicemail, I smiled. It WAS her. She got a new job (still with family services) at another place. After I listened to it, I saved the message. Then after I hung up, I broke down and cried. I don't know why. Could it be a combination of excitement and my exhaustion? (Seeing that I haven't gotten any sleep for... more than 12 hours) Could it be I was remembering the memories with her? Whatever it was... I just bawled like a big baby. After a while, I finally stopped and went downstairs and played Kingdom Hearts II. (When dad got home from getting lunch for himself, I told him everything and later, I had him hear it)
That's pretty much all that happened... nothing else new, really... except my sleep schedule is way off and this is my last week until I start school again. (I start on the 21st). It's pretty much been a bore-fest and miserable. The only good things that happened was that I got to talk to my friends online and play my games. (that's the jist of it, anyway...)
My head hurts. I think I'm gonna head back to sleep. G'night...
burning_eyes K.T. burning_eyes
P.S. I used burning because it's F**KING HOT HERE!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.P.S. I forgot to mention (not that it's important, that the call was from the day before. I would've answered it, if I wasn't dead asleep!! *went to sleep at 4pm on Friday* so.. I went to sleep at 4pm (..Didn't I just say that?) and she called at almost 5pm. My cell phone is always on silence (BECAUSE OF THE DAMN SALESPEOPLE ALWAYS WAKING ME UP WITH THEIR DAMN CALLING!!!) and I'm getting fed up with having to turn off the cell phone before I go to sleep.. then turning it back on to see if I have any messages or anything... I always seem to forget to turn it off before going to class, as it is. Sheesh.
P.P.P.S. (How many am I gonna do!??!?! eek ) My friend starts school on Monday (THIS Monday)... I feel that I'm never gonna be able to talk to her... again. ...
Why do I feel that.. nothing's important anymore...? *sigh* emo I'm such a pathetic b***h. Why can't I ever NOT be depressed???? What's the cause of all of it? Is it my past? Is it the present? My future? Everything? What can I do? Nothing seems to make sense... anymore. I just have to... live life as is. Like this. Forever. Will I ever be happy? For real? Not just.. hiding behind a "mask" of happiness... pretending that I'm happy... that everything's okay. It's pretty much... killing me on the inside... and what's worse.. my depression... it hurts not only me... but everyone else.
I need help. All the help I've gotten in the past... the hospitalization... the group home... the therapy... it never helped. I just acted like it did so I could escape from it all... only to attempt suicide to try to escape from everything... only to end up back in therapy... Although, the last suicide attempt, I lied and said it was an accident... they believed me. I try to go to different hospitals, so they won't see my record of ODing. One of the hospitals has a record of it, so they won't believe my lies. Yeah yeah, I know it's wrong to attempt suicide.. that it gets me nowhere.. it doesn't help, blah blah blah... so spare me the damn lecture. I heard it enough. I had enough of this bull s**t. I don't know what I'm doing... I just feel... alone. I don't want to hurt anybody... that's why I do my best to help them, and keep my feelings inside... not let them know what's going on...
Nobody wants to hear my bullshit. Nobody wants to hear my ********' complaining. My whining. Sometimes, I feel like they just want to shut me out, or yell at me to stop being such a drama llama... such a ******** emo. Get a life. They just want to call me names. They hate me. They can't stand me. But it seems.. they're just too nice to reveal how they really feel about me.
I want to go and get help... but it seems that I just won't accept it. I'll shut it out as usual and act like I'm good. I want to turn myself in an institute and stay there as long as I can. But all I would do is act like it's helping and get released before you know it. (Like one time... I just stayed for 3 days and got released! Then I was an outpatient for a little while, and then I got released there.)
Why can't I accept the help that I desperately need? How can I get the help I want? I'm crying for help. People try to help. I just can't accept it. I try and try... but it never works. It's almost like I'm screaming to the top of my lungs, but nobody looks up. I just feel... that there's nothing left for me to do. I can't get help. I can't escape from the world. The pain. I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't think... I'll ever get the help I desperately need. That I desperately want. I'll just be like this... forever.
