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Okay this my make no sence i was trying to write it down earlier but it didnt come out right at all ... Okay i have a friend Ian and we are really close well as close and he will let me be with out us being all over eachother. We were talking and i dont think he realizes how much he does mean to people I mean his parents adore him EVERY DAY i am with him some chick will walk by with that cut little call " Ian Call Me" and he always smiles and nods as soon as they are gone he forgets all about it and continues complaining about how every one hates him... Uggg i adore him i mean i would date him if it werent for the fact i am completely inlove with the boy i got so why change things if they are already really good? His big downfall is that he is WAY self consious he's like scared of his body he hates how fat he is but he doesnt have the time or means to change what he has. He has no time to be going out and jogging around town hes not that athletic. He hasnt got weights bar bells or other such crap at home that he can use and he hasnt got the money to be going to the gym to work out that and not the time.. or the confidence. So yes any way you do it he has dug a pit he cant get out of.

Yeah i dont know what i can do to help him and i am sure if there was a way he wouldnt really want me to be the one to try and help. Its just so frusterating.. I mean OKAY Another thing with Ian I talked to him alot last night and i think he does like me he just knows how i am and how i wouldnt move from what i got for anything and he doesnt want me to do anythign he feels like he isnt worth it. its so bothersome. i want to talk to him but its getting ot the point i cant understand. Why on earth does he hate himself so much!??!??! Hes such a great guy ..

Yeah a couple nights ago i was upset i wanted to talk to Adam just see him for a bit i dunno feel like MAYBE there was a little more there than some little boy playing his games. then i started talking to Alex. He sorta explained exactly what i know but he put it back into order for me. I know i love him , He means so much to me. But at times ( rather often) i get depressed cause well i know he loves me or so he says its just like when it comes to talking he has nothing to say he has no clue whats going on or he doesnt care. Alex kept telling me that eventually i would go crazy cause of his lack of caring and i would end up dumping him or he would open his eyes and figure out what was going on. Any way you do it the more Alex and i talked the more upset i kept getting i mean i was crying but i had to laugh at my self cause i KNEW it was true it was sitting there in the back of my head for so long i just refused to look at it.So now I am jelouse of his friends but i guess Well what can i do they live down the street and around the corner where as i live so far away he has never seven seen my home. its so hard to understand And difficult to work with. I love him like crazy and he is driving me crazy!

I am used to waking up to a note on my dresser and him waiting upstairs with my parents to take me out i am used to coming home after a long day at work to roses on the bed Just i am used to cute little things they did to let me know they loved me. Where as now its millions of miles away. there is nothing i can do ........ i guess i just have to wait. I mean if he is really going to move up to Edmonton i guess i can find a place up there to live. I mean i think Tanya is going there and i want to be closer to him. it means finding a job and getting things done right away but i think i can try.... Yeah and then if things dont work out ... well I dont know what i will do.

Well Yep Later.