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Computers ((by Eddie Izzard, as was the cake or death thingy
((Now tell me if this never happened to you when using up a brand new computer))
Guy: Ctrl+P=Print....Ctrl+P=Print.... Ctrl..P...Print...
Computer: Cannot access Printer.
Guy: 'Cannot access Printer'..? *points beside him* It's here. I can access printer. Why can you bloody access printer? I plugged you in! ******** it...Ctrl p Print ctrl p print ctrl p print
It's as if the computer is going: I'm not sure what your trying to do.
guy: I'm trying to print! ctrl p print!
Computer: Ah, but there's something you haven't done...
guy: What? Tell me what it is! I'll do it. I'll do it.
Computer: Nah, I can't tell you...
Guy: ******** tell me! just...'ctrl p print'...It's 5 in the morning...it's only a paragraph...just let me get this ******** printed out! I used the fax/modem earlier and that ******** it up, didn't it?! ******** access the bloody thing...It's not being used by something else...I'm using the printer port! ...ctrl p print ctrl p print ctrl p print...print ctrl p print ctrl p...
Computer: A problem of type 2094 has occured.
Guy:...What the ******** is that?! Were there 2093 other problems that i skipped over just to get to that one?! *keeps trying to print*..........oh no don't do that..... Don't you crash on me!!! You...b*****d! I'm so tired..you have...
Computer: I'm not sure what your trying to do...
Guy: ....Right...I'll get that going...esc ctrl p alt..*still not working*..Right...I'm callin Amsterdam!
*picks up the phone and calls*
Guy: Hello, Amsterdam...You speak very good english, well done...bordered by four countries...yes a lot of problems in land worth, now..um.. I've got a machintosh(sp?) computer plugged into a Cannon bubblejet printer..Yes, I've been into the chooser printer file and chosen Cannon, Bubblejet...Yes, I've been to the chooser file and chosen the printer port, which is the same as the fax/modem port...which confuses the ******** outta me...Yes, I've chosen A4 paper instead of toilet paper...Yes, I've chosen the picture of the dog laying straight up instead of on it's side.....It's 5 in the moring, it will not print out! There's somethin definetly wrong with th-....There's an on switch on the printer, is there?
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