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Hello vast anonymity of the internet, how are you doing today?
I'm likely fine, if you were to ask. But you won't and that's okay, because as I sit here in my tiny corner of the internet I know that this entry will go unacknowledged. And so I will spill my brain of all my current insecurities.
So, what's the deal with post-secondary education? Is it actually going to help me at all? I don't know, maybe it won't further my career at all. What do I want my career to be? Animation? I guess so, I figure I'll be elated to find any sort of art-related career. The thing I'd love most is likely to have my own comic book, or be a part of comic book making, but I don't think that's nearly as feasible as I want it to be. In fact I know it isn't, everyone tells me so in their own secret little way. Is art a viable way to live? I don't think I'd be content doing anything else.
But you know what, I don't even need much. I want a little place to live, nothing huge. Something little and quaint, where the sun comes in the windows just right and makes the whole place seem friendly and happy. Where I can store all my eclectic belongings and have a house that's truly mine, or ours rather I guess. Seeing as I've planned out the perfect house for my boyfriend and I to live in. It has a studio and a secret library and a room where we paint everything white except for a little black stool that we'll place in the centre of the room. Just to ******** with people mostly. But that scares the s**t out of me, I'm freshly graduated from high school and I've already planned out how my house will look in 10 years. We act like we're going to live together and be together forever. I'd love that, you know, it's true. But it makes my thoughts stray to marriage. I plain old refuse to acknowledge marriage, because you just can't talk about it without arising suspicion. You just can't be all like "Hey honey, would you ever marry me?" You just don't DO that, because then the other person goes "Oh s**t, I don't have an answer to this question, what if I say the wrong thing? Does she want to marry me? Oh ********" or worse "Damn, this relationship is fun but it'll likely never get past her going away to university next year, how do I tell her that or avoid this conversation all together?". It's not something I want to seed someone's brain with, it'll just poison their thoughts, make the world a more awkward place. Which I really don't need right now, not at all. But hey, 2 and a half years is a long time right? Especially in high school where nothing goes anywhere apparently. Despite the fact that all of my close friends who've started relationships over the past few years are all still in them except for about 3. There's no way I don't love him, but is that enough? What about when I go away to school? Will he wait for me? How will I go about my life, if I don't have him? Am I capable of that sort of thing? Do I even want to take the risk? Would I regret it forever if I stayed in town for the sole purpose of being with him and not having to go away. Four years is a really long time, would you wait that long to be with someone? Or what if I decide to wait, like I really want to right now, and I stop loving him. I can't fathom that being true.
And why can't my parents just leave me alone? Do they have to keep bugging me about staying up late or wheat I'm eating or where my money is going or what I'm going to do with my life or whether or not I'm going to marry my boyfriend? I don't know. I just don't know. I don't want to think about any of this, but it's what I do.
I know I'll continue this rant later, I guess. I feel like this a lot more than I want to.
 [Tetris.Ninja] · Thu Aug 30, 2007 @ 03:01am · 0 Comments |
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![[Tetris.Ninja]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/85/80/3313829818085.png?t=1248796554_6.00_11 "[Tetris.Ninja]")