[The following journal entry was made after a friend suggested me to do so, in order to help relieve some stress and angst. I'm grateful to my friend, who I will call by his nickname, "Zerro" for helping me with my current state of mind.]
To all of those who may have noticed I've been acting odd, or if I've been complaining... Er... More than usual... I sincerely apologize if I annoyed anybody with senseless pissing and moaning, or to be more exact, complaining in a non-pessimistic/sarcastic comical manner. So again, sorry.
Now, for anybody who just came here for an apology, you can leave. Not trying to be rude or anything, it's really more of an warning, because the rest of this entry is going to be looooooong... and it isn't really necessary if you just wanted the quick stuff. You've been warned.
Unfortunately, life hasn't been going too well for me as of late. I re-injured my back late September, which caused me to miss allot of school. Classes there has a unexcused absence system very simular to summer school: 3 strikes you're walking on egg shells, 4'th strike your a** is out of the class. This "lovely" little system got me booted out of one of my two classes this semester already, and I'm walking the tight rope that's super glue covered with jagged egg shells with the other class.
You're probably asking "then why didn't you get the absences excused?" Simple answer is me and doctors DO NOT get along, period, and I need a doctor's excuse to get an excused absence for such injuries. The only time I will go to a doctor is when I'm so far gone in pain or sickness that my judgment is weakened to the point people can convince me about things I'm normally adamant about. Such instant did happen in the middle of this incident, where I did decide to go to a doctor and got a doctor's excuse... which.. I had no ******** idea how to get it into school... And yes, I asked what to do... So much help there.
Moving on. When I was finally able to return to class, I had suddenly remembered I had a project to turn in... The week before. One that not have I not been able to do, but one that has plagued me for almost a year. (Quick reminder to my friends, I was in this class before and failed with an D+, just short of a passing grade.) I didn't have it, or another drawing the teacher wanted us to do, but she did give me one more week, it was a rushed, and terrible drawing, one that, to me, is F worthy, but I guess pity was taken on my lack of self confidence, because I got a "C" though she said it was D worthy. That project was given a month, we were given a new project that was given TWO WEEKS. I know this project all too well, still life, 5-7 items, must have theme and focal point, and of course, it has to be charcoal drawn and on a big piece of paper. If it was a smaller scale of paper, I might not be so grave-runnered about it...
This is due Friday, the last time I did this project the teacher apologized because he felt a MONTH's time wasn't enough for the project... And I ain't done s**t.
It's not like I haven't tried, but I honestly for the life of me can't due it. Matter of fact, I haven't been able to draw, period. I'm in a serious rut. I could try and go to the teacher and tell her I've been experiencing trouble drawing, but like doctors, I have a mis-trust of teachers, goes way back to kindergarten, but I'll skip on the detail, maybe some other time. This is also not the first time I lost all ability/focus/will to draw, I've been getting them quite a bit since I started college, and before then, I had one major stump where I didn't draw anything for two years. Something like that hiatus I fear of going through again, especially now.
To be honest, with all the pressures of school, and the constant pain involving my back, I've grown depressed, I've been losing sleep, and I honestly feel like I'm going to loose my grip soon. I remember Christopher Titus joking about George W Bush talking so much about the moon, thinking about escaping his troubles on Earth and desiring of going there. I used to laugh so hard at that joke, Titus played the joke so well. Now I unfortunately know how GWB feels, because I'm constantly escaping reality into the deep space of my imagination, that used to be my great inspiration to write stories, draw comics, joke about stuff and make video game ideas, now I'm just remembering old stuff, I can't even push forward with that, and it's driving me insane, in a bad way. I guess I can only try and push forward, no other solution I can really think of.
For those of you who actually read all of this, thanks for reading. Hopefully I can get back to my old, cynical self soon. I'll have another "Project AvA" comic up soon, it might be the last for a while, so I hope you'll enjoy it.
Hey, one can dream, even if they don't know they are.
