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Pie
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“I must say! This is scrumptious!”


~ Oscar Wilde on Pie
A pie is a soft, fluffy delicacy usually consisting of a hard, crunchy crust made of hardened pastry dough or cement, and a savory or sweet substance on the inside such as an apple, bits of juicy berries, bits of flavorful trash, Grandma's surprise, or several pounds of pure sugar (or occasionally less savory things... *Shudder*.




Contents
1 Flavors and Healthy Alternatives
2 "Pie pets"
3 Pie throwing
4 Use in sports
5 Use as a weapon by police forces
6 Pie as a Religion

Flavors and Healthy Alternatives
With the onset of the 21'st century and a newfound fear of obesity, "fat free" or "healthy alternative" pies have become increasingly popular. Making a fat-free pie is simple; all one has to do is gather all the ingredients of a normal pie, then throw them in a garbage can and serve an empty plate. An empty plate has zero Trans fat, zero carbs, and zero sexually tempting whipped cream! AND, if you have a good enough imagination, you can almost taste the pie! Pies come in many flavors, including apple, raspberry, chocolate, and the ever popular pot pie, a pie which contains leaves of marijuana which was popularized in the '60's, along with the less well known but equally trippy heroin pie. Also popular is the wildly popular "pie pie," or "pie within a pie," in which a hollow pie crust contains another pie. This variant of pie often causes such indescribable oral pleasures that it has been banned in several countries and is widely considered a drug.


A pie "Pie pets"
With the development of modern civilization has come a certain cynicism towards old-fashioned things such as silent movies, Broadway musicals, family outings, and sex without ropes, whips, or instruments of torture. Pie, too, has become a victim of this modern perspective; many children of the younger generations flatly refuse to eat pie because it "Isn't sugary enough and doesn't have any red bull, caffeine, or rat poison in it." This has let to a newfound sales gimmick amongst major pie corporations, a gimmick that they hope will interest children in buying pies. They sell what they call "pie pets," which are normal pie crusts that are hollow. Inside the pie crusts is a live animal, one of four choices: a hamster, a gerbil, a rat, or a goldfish. The Pie Pets are advertised as revolutions in both the culinary arts and pet sales: "When you get a pet pie, you not only get an appetizing pie crust in one of three delicious flavors, but you also get a furry little friend inside to play with!!! What could be better than a piece of food with a brand new pet inside? What's more, instances of fatal disease are not as common as you'd think they'd be, and the pets actually survive occasionally! BUY A PIE PET...TODAY!!! We guarantee that you'll have fun with your new pet, and the inside of the pie will be only mildly soaked in urine!!!!" Sales of this new delicacy number in the millions, after all, who wouldn't want to buy a pie with a live rat inside?

Pie throwing
Pies can be used as a means of crushing a person's dignity or self esteem by symbolically "pie-ing" that person. Since the airing of the first sophisticated comedy, in which eight people threw pies in each other's faces for an hour and a half (which was followed up by a sequel in which...*chuckle*...they threw pie AND cakes), pie-throwing has been used extensively throughout various cultures in a wide variety of ways. In England in a short period in the 1940's, it was used as a kind of replacement for the handshake. Says one elderly English gentleman: "Yeah, when I was a young lad, the chaps and I would meet on the street every day; we'd say hi, shake hands, discuss the weather, pie each other--we used raspberry most often, it was our favorite, though sometimes we'd use pumpkin, or, on particularly rowdy occasions, banana cream]] if we had an agument earler on we would spike it (literally)...those were good days...then we'd all head down to my place for a spot of tea, maybe we'd pie each other one or two more times before going home to watch Benny Hill." This custom came to a halt with the arrival of World War II, in which it became more manly to greet someone by shooting them in the face. Pie throwing is the world most violent food based way of killing someone. It is used mostly in drive-byes and torture.

Use in sports
Due to a mishap at the Drunk Olympics, a drunk Olympian accidentally ended up throwing a pie instead of a discus at the discus-throwing event, and later eating 57 discuses during the pie eating contest. This inspired a new series of alternative sports in which competitors found ways to "use" pies in place of whatever the key object of that sport was. For instance, baseball players attempted to hit a pie rather than a baseball, which usually resulted in a blown-up pie, and horse racers attempted to ride on pies instead of horses, which usually resulted in badly stained jockey uniforms and commentators getting very confused about what to talk about. Pie sports have faded out for the most part nowadays, as most of them either resulted in large messes and disappointed players, or nude whipped cream wrestling matches.

Use as a weapon by police forces
However, other uses of pie throwing have been far more malignant. In modern times, people have come to think of getting pied as a horrific experience, a nightmarish, terrifying, endless wave of soft crush, fruity filling and hellishly white whipped cream that torments the victim's soul for eternity. In many cities, policemen are armed with rifles, pepper spray, tasers and pies. "I don't like to pie someone unless they really deserve it," says one police officer, "Like, if they are armed with a knife and won't put it down, or they insult my manly police uniform, or if they're black." Pie throwing made international news recently when a college student at a speech was pied repeatedly by several security guards because of his making several disruptive comments including "I have to pee" and "Ew, there's gum under my seat." A Youtube video of the student being hit by five consecutive pies, all the while screaming "DON'T PIE ME, BRO!!!" made many major news stations, before Britney Spears went to rehab for the eighth time and all other major news stories were promptly forgotten.




Pie as a Religion
Pieism is a new religion based all around the holy Pie god. Founded by the Pie's human form, JoJo, Pieism has grown from a tiny pipsqeauk into the greatest religion on earth (and probably in the universe. Pieism has taken much land to form a new Pieist country known as the United Empire (short for the "JoJo's United Empire of the Pie" wink

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Categories: Food | Weapons