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Last year I learned how unimportant little differences can be. My mother was in the hospital for two months. She nearly died. She was on a respirator and dialysis every other machine you can imagine. I have never been so scared in my life. My mom's family wasn't on very good terms at the time but suddenly all that vanished. All the anger and resentment disappeared in the space of a phone call.

Mom made it. She beat the odds but now almost exactly a year later, another family member is in the hospital. My Great-Grandma, well they think she had a stroke. WHY!!! Why does this have to happen now? In ten days my mom goes in for another surgery. She can't be worrying about her grandmother when she is the one going into surgery!

I'm the type that suffers from an over-active imagination. All these images are forming in my head. It's helpful when it comes to acting or writing but right now..... My mom's surgery is on my brother's birthday, the day after my birthday. What if something happens to her? What if something happens to Grandma? What if what if what if, God! I can't stand it. What if I go off on vacation in two days and something happens.

We are so much more than we can ever understand. Reason tells me that I shouldn't make up weird things in my head. There is nothing I can do right now. My thoughts however have no intention of following reason. They swirl around in my head, colliding and tearing each other to bits. As they split off and combine they create the most frightening, most vivid images imaginable.

Damn I'm scared. I'm scared. I rarely would admit it inr but I'm scared. They could die. One or both of them. I know that's ridiculous. Nothing is going to happen, it will all be fine. But why them am I still crying? Why can't I stop crying?
Damn
damn
damn


God please, if you're there, please protect them.