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Through the course of the week since I encountered the news, I've constantly and considerably become weaker emotionally. The fact that I couldn't break the routine of saying things like "good morning?", "how was your day?", "how can I cheer you up?" and "I love you," really meant that I was suffering inside. The thing that had always worked in the past when I've drifted apart from people like this was to pack my bags and move along to the next city if she hadn't. Seeing how I'm rather chained in position by the powers at bay, I just cut off all communication with her. My experience told me that I should have done this before anything had gotten out of hand, but my emotions really stomped that voice out for a while. I guess I just needed the answers that she owed me for her actions. Nobody ever takes responsibility like that anymore, and I was hoping she would have the courage to do so since I had the courage to stay by her in friendship as long as I had. I received no answers, and it was like none of it ever happened, so accepting that as the official slap in the face I ended up disintegrating on her and crying my eyes out--like any person would at the end of such a serious relationship. Seeing myself acting the woman made me realize that I'd lost my composure--something that can eventually get me killed--so I had to do what training instructs in that situation. I eliminated the source. I suppose it would be for both our sakes, because I'm no good to anybody when I'm not on my toes, and I'm even worse to her when I can't accept that it's over. I don't expect to ever recover fully to return to her and ask her to forgive me for being an idiot, but life is slow with those things. Hopefully I can see her as a friend again someday, because she was one of the best of those for me.

That does it for my relationship, and relationships in general. No, I'm not embracing emo like the stereotypical fifteen year old who just broke up with his girlfriend, I'm just not cut out for it. My brain doesn't function normally like anyone else's, which is what makes me my own person like it does you, but psychologically I'm asexual. This means everything that comes naturally to you, doesn't for me. My best chances at relationships happen when I meet similarly minded folk who expect very little from me, or can't perform such things themselves. The bottom line, I can't be in a sexual relationship, and further, it will never occur to me to kiss anybody. The both of those facts have bothered quite a few girls (because they're easier on the eyes for me) to the point where they couldn't take it. That's how most of my relationships end, spare two that were strained by distance. I suppose this would make me terminally single unless something so provokes me to try again, and to be honest, I don't think I'd be comfortable putting another person through that hardship.

Physically, my body is picking up the pieces slowly. I'm able to return to stretching, normal morning workouts, and light activities like casual running and cardio work. I haven't tried sparring yet, because I know that I can't move like I used to yet, and even still it'd be asking to re-injure myself. So far, with most of the pain gone, I have the means to be happier than ever despite recent events that would chain me to be otherwise. Hopefully by next week, I'll be able to meet up with my favorite sparring buddy and work through the katas at least twice, and attempt to get into Stilwell's cardio class... Which I'd expect to be murder in its funnest. razz By next term, I'll definitely be able to return to Porter's class and meet all my old friends again if they're still there and they remember me that is. The issues with my tendons has been a mystery so far, but hopefully it disappears for good soon or someday.

That seems to be everything up to date. My friends have been extremely supportive in me picking up the pieces (sadly none of them will read that here), and I have a considerable amount in savings now that I won't be needing it. Perhaps I'll go for a ride somewhere and do some window shopping to cheer myself up further. Farewell until I write again!