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Sometimes I know it's obvious when I torture myself, others I find I have more to benefit from the torture to actually consider it bad. Knowing more into what that girl did to me really teeters between the classifications. One has to base their life on what is true, otherwise they're living in a cave, but sometimes knowing the truth really hurts. When I heard the other side of the story of the way events played out, the times and events didn't really add up at all. When the evidence doesn't support the answers, I've been deceived. I really wish this omittal of facts is beyond her, but she's very much the type who would protect someone's feeling with a hidden truth. However, upon hearing that she'd been with someone else besides me during our relationship for a good long time before she decided to tell me makes me hurt just that much more. So I can't decide whether I can honestly believe the answers she's given to me about what it all really meant. I really thought she had grown the courage that so many people her age seem to run away from... I'm back to square one of massive hurt.

I have to admit, I'd actually become mad at her for the first real time because of that. It passed quickly though, as it isn't the virtuous way, but I was shocked that I would have such a two seconds of wrath at all. I wondered then whether I was correct in assuming my comfort in remaining friends with her, because even though I have the courage to stand up for what I do in a relationship, I usually don't have it to continue seeing their faces from day to day. To disappear from her world would probably cause me to become overly nostalgic again, but I'm sure the hurting would stop, just like it did with the last one. As of yet, this girl has made me experience more emotion than any I've dated yet, and it goes to the far ends of each side of the spectrum. And at the same time, to have been the most painful of the list, I spent the least time crying--I've yet to figure that one out.

Before this morning though, I was ecstatic to have my old friend back finally. The trust, the fun, and comfort were all there too. I was quite amazed, because on the couple instances where I'd dated one of my better friends, they couldn't stand to hear a syllable of my name in the wind. I'd even gone back to talking like we used to and shooting the breeze. Hell, I was even able to go into detail about my failing health for the first time because there was no fear of hurting her over it, and her advice seems to be helping a lot already. It was truly great to see my friend again.

Speaking of seeing, I can't get out of my head that she's still her beautiful self. Every time I see her, it actually hurts a little because I can't say how her face makes me feel inside. If that makes any sense at all. I still have trouble cleansing myself of my old feelings apparently, so I'll have to work on that. I wonder how many years it'd take this time, it took a couple just to look at other girls when the last one cheated on me.

I've yet to confront her about the new information, and frankly, I don't know if I can take it emotionally to do so. How do you accuse someone of lying when they said they love you? That's the real kicker, because I'm not sure what to believe on that. Things she's said the other night made me feel that I was wrong to think that she'd just dropped me for an opportunity, and that I was actually in a warm place in her heart. Now, knowing another story of how things occurred, it's harder to believe that what she said happened the way she said it. I really should stop dealing with people and live the life of a monk again. Girls will be the death of me. >.<

Still, she's not the monster her exes have made her out to be...