I'm not entirely sure where my life is leading me.
When I was in highschool I always had a direction. A purpose.
I had my goals and the ambition to follow through with them. Now...
I'm 23 years old. I still live at home, I'm single, I have very few friends (granted the ones I have are pretty awesome... but so very few match me. They all smoke pot and I don't heh...).
I don't have that one person I can talk to anymore, so everything's kind of spread out among them and not one of them really gives a s**t, as far as I can tell. Save for maybe one, but I don't even talk to her about my bullshit.
The rest of this month is going to me major hell. I have a lot of bills to take care of and not enough money to do it with. My student loans started coming out of my bank account last month and they're a third of the money I make in a month... How's that for suck? on top of that comes my car, my gas, my phone... my insurance and registration are due this month, my inspection next month... Like I said. A lot of bills and not enough money.
I stopped speaking to Sam. I'm not hanging out with Eric as much. In fact I'm hanging out with his roomate Courtney more than I am him now... I have some pretty interesting convorsations with her.
I'm getting back into my secluded life, where I work, go home, sleep, wake up and go to work all over again. I feel like I'm working just to pay for being able to work, because I have no money left for myself now. Welcome to the life of an adult I suppose.
I swear to the gods if I could magically pay off all my bills at once I'd leave here. It's not like I have much to leave behind anymore. The one person who was actually important to me here I don't even speak to anymore. Ugh... Other than that it's just family and my few aquaintences... I mean, ********, What kind of life do I have where I actually hang out AT WORK on my days off? It's quite pathetic. But I suppose, at least I'm not at the mall every day like I used to when I wasn't working... was still in school..
Took a look at the list of graduates from my year on facebook. Most of them are married off, have kids, have their dream jobs, or are in university for them. What did I do? What am I? Still at home with a bullshit job that I don't even want. It's not my dream, by far.
I suppose one good thing did come out of surfing those grads. I Got in contact with an old crush of mine. She was quite the girl in highschool, adored by many, hated by few and wanted by most of the males. I never got to know her as well as I would have liked but I knew her well enough to know she was sweet. Wondered how she was doing so I added her as a friend, she wrote on my wall saying she was just thinking about me the other day. Got a small smile to crack on my face. Lord knows I'm back to having very few of those. It's been a bad week...a bad month really... a lot of drama and bull s**t.
Is it too much to ask just to find that one person who appreciates me for who I am? That person I can settle down with and have the comfortable relationship I want? I hope I get one kickass Karma repayment sometime soon, cause I think after the bullshit I've gone through they could give me SOMETHING. Drop a job in my lap, let me run headlong into some girl who matches my personality who isn't a little princess or debutant. A plastic. Someone who's not a complete sweetheart but will ******** USE me to no end.
I complain so much in these journal entries and I don't really complain in life. at least not anymore... I thrive on chaos but.. I'm getting older. I feel about 50 some days, but I'm getting to the point where I want to settle. I want my teenage bills paid and I want my family... I mean. I'm not suitable for a realtionship right now, by far. I have too much baggage...
I tried talking to Emily twice since my last entry... Went over like a lead baloon. I mean, I can't blame her... we broke on really bad terms. There are two truths to the reason, she believes one, and I believe another... neither of us can agree to an ultimate truth so it matters not.
It was a mutual decision to stop speaking but I didn't think she was THAT angry when we did... it didn't seem like it, but from the "I want you to die" looks I got when I tried to talk to her...
Like I said, I don't blame her. From her point of view I'm a horrible person, and it may not be that far from the truth in some aspects... I just wanted things to be civil. I didn't want to have to turn around and go somewhere else when she was in a store I wanted to go, so you wouldn't have to cut the tension with a knife when we were within 50 feet of each other... I mean, it's been a year... All I really wanted to know is if she's happy... if she's doin alright. I still get reports on her from people when I didn't really want them and from what I hear she is so... s'all good.
I Just want peace in my life. I want ONE DAY where something stupid doesn't happen... one day where I can just laugh, be happy and hang on to someone I care for...
Sometimes I think I'm just doomed to be the 40 year old living at his parent's *shudder*
ugh just the thought of that hurts my little brain..
I'm tired.. g'night...
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The Angel's Inner Sanctum
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DJ Twissta Community Member 
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KupoSempai
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I have just finished reading what you’ve written, and I can’t help but feel a bit of what you are feeling. I’m truly sorry that I haven’t taken the time as a friend to talk to you more often and hear about what has been going on with you. With every ounce of my being I wish I had a way to help you out, but all I can really offer is a good ear that’s willing to listen to you.
Being 23 and at home, I know it bothers you, but it’s honestly alright. Heck, I’m 20 and will probably be living with my brother fooooor a long time. You’re still young and haven’t even fully begun your journey into the rest of your life. I have faith in you and that things will also work out in the future. You just need to put your chin up, grin, and have a bit of faith in yourself. From personal experiences I’ve learned that no matter how bad something is, it really will end up alright in the end. You and I are like broken magnets. Instead of attracting good things, we seem to always end up collecting piles of problematic crap. That just means that we have to sift through the junk and come out stronger in the end.
You said you had a friend who’d care, but you don’t talk to her about your problems. Try talking to her about them, at least a little. There is nothing more frustrating than not having a good outlet. Things will just pile on top of each other and eventually start coming to a boil until it is all you can feel running through your veins.
I seriously have such a hard time believing that people aren’t appreciating you. Am I going to have to put on some combat boots, drive to Canada and give a group a people a boot to the head? Come on now. It’s ridiculous. As I see it you are an amazing person – I’ve been telling you that for years, and NO, I wasn’t just stroking your ego. I meant it. It baffles me completely that people can’t see the determined, sweet, romantic, caring and nice (you’re a lot nicer then you think you are, so NYA) guy you are. To me personally you’ve always been there when I’ve needed somebody and I’m 100% sure you’ve been there for others. Are they BLIND? Definite candidates for a boot to the head. It hurts to hear that people are being complete morons (that’s exactly what they are).
Your day will come. As hard as it is to believe right now, you are going to have to trust me. Sometimes things just have to worsen before they can get better. Just don’t give up and keep trying. I know there really isn’t much that I can do or say to help but if you ever need me, pop an email my way or message me. Heck, even call me if you can. I don’t care how late it is.
I can ramble on for days, but you’d probably gouge your eyes out by then. So I’ll end with that. Night Silvy, and hope things get better for you soon. I hate it when you’re down.
BTW:
Just in case you don’t know my real email (MSN IS A LIE): crimsonwhisper@gmail.com