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I feel like a predator right now.
I feel like walking around my big paws up against the soft dirt as I look for prey.
It feels like some vapor is hanging down from my mouth. Just darkness and pain that is over flowing leaking out through my mouth.
I'm sitting here and I'm thinking of the thing that I wanted most of all but could never ask for. They say if you think it in your mind, it happens, even if it is only in your mind. That's enough for me. I don't want to try and go out again to find someone to be that one person. It isn't worth it. I don't want to keep playing this charade which, I may add, will be harder when the grandparents come.
No matter, I just need to blow off all this ranting s**t now and I'll be fine for the month they'll be here. Just spill myself into this journal and you know all will be fine.....
So I'm walking around....just looking for something to amuse my interests with for a short while....I suppose that math project I should be working on I should do but...eh....not like I care anymore.
I've come to notice that my eyes get noticably lighter, as in light streaks of hazel in my eyes when I get depressed like this. But when I'm happy, my eyes go back to being dark and covered. When my eyes go light, it's easier to see into them and understand. It's like I'm begging for help....how pathetic.
So....NJ asks...my state tests. I got a perfect 300 in the LAL portion. Yes, that means I was able to kick the ambasator off the side of teh well shouting "THIS IS SPARTA!" The best out of the entire school. My math score, I got a 287 out of 200. My math teacher thinks I have a good head for thinking logicly....logically...that's a laugh. It's all a matter of perception my dear. No logic in it at all.
Today's been real shitty....they say things will get worse for they get better. Well, I think whoever came up with that must have been on crack or something, probably acid, cause that aint the way s**t turns out. It should be, things will look up, then they get worse. And, if they get even worse, then your screwed man. Haha.
Why was my day so bad? I suppose first I didn't wash all the cremrinse out of my hair during my shower so my hair was all weird....had to have my last pork ramen package for breakfast.....school was just...meh......I got a bunch of my teachers congradulating me for my good LAL grade because the school put my name up at the front of teh school {wee...how fun} Honestly I was pretty content with my day. Til I got home and read my pms and then got locked out of the guilds when I tried to push my mind away from teh subject and then had yet ANOTHER, mental break down that wasn't as sever as the last one but is definatly a major turning point in my life.
I looked at my palm the other day to see how I've been progressing. There is a large missing portion of one of the lines in my palm, the one near the thumb. Just a big piece is faded away. Then at my heart line one line has broken off from it and goes straight down my hand branching off once in two directions like a fork in teh road. The left side fades but then re makes it'self in a smaller line. I've got about three lines coming down from my heart line. Ahaha. Look, one for each of them. James, Cody, Nick.
Kinda boring right now...we had a fire drill at school today....was strange, I wasn't expecting it, and I normally know about these kinda things....I took extra notes for Riker today too, but I'll probably tear them up. Or not give them to him, he doesn't ever keep them anyway. I ended up trimming all of my claws down when I got home. I broke my thumbnail majorly so I had to trim the rest of them down to size, along with my toes. What a pain.
Debating about doing something right now.....meh...I dont' feel like working on that rp trainng thing in the UGMF or the Foxes....like anyone is ACTUALLY going to listen or read them. Apparently Darc thought I did good on the marine info center because of how well I color coded it. Color coding. It's easy, but like HTML coding, takes time, and a person with no life. I have both. I could also be working on that math project I mentioned alittle while ago..meh, I'll end up doing that later tonight I suppose, when my fingers start to hurt from typing.
So...I'ma get food then make another entry...
 x-l J i n x l-x · Thu Sep 25, 2008 @ 03:31am · 0 Comments |
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