As if it were instinct, my hand reluctantly found itself searching my pockets for the comforting cardboard box that contained my only hope in keeping my feelings out of this situation. A heart-stopping cold rush through my veins held my breath in my throat as a searing pain ran through my chest, my face showing my fear of what was happening.
A brush of warm lips pressing hard against my own caught my attention, making me forget about the pain in my chest for a moment. Closing my eyes, trying to keep the drug haze with me for just a moment longer, I found the pain flooding my veins to be overwhelming.
Stop doing this.
I wanted to scream at myself. I pulled away, my teeth tightly clenched in pain. My chest ached with an unbearable burning sensation, leaving me breathless and shaking with more than simple fear.
You're hurting her.
The voice in my mind screamed at me through the haze of the drugs, begging me to stop. Shawna's voice rang through my ears, awakening every sense and disposing of the remainder of the drugs in an instant. I became aware of how close this other girl had gotten, feeling her hands at my waist, firm and commanding. I felt the heat of her body pressing against mine, the unmoving wall behind me, blocking any way of escaping.
You promised.
I turned my head so I wouldn't have to look at what I had gotten myself into this time. I had really crossed the line, and deep inside I knew I would never forgive myself.
"Is everything okay?" the girl, familiar yet agonizingly in the wrong state of mind, asked, her voice pressing me to explain my distance tonight. I wanted to reply with a no. Every inch of me wanted to walk away and never look back at the mess I created.
You liar.
My eyes stung painfully as I recalled those two words. I'd heard them so many times before, and this time the reality of it struck me like a steel pole, breaking my trance and making it to where I had to hold back with everything in me so I wouldn't choke on my own deceit. I pushed her arm gently, as not to startle her, and reached for the door. I had to get out of her house. I needed to get home now. I needed Shawna.
"Ashley, please. What's wrong?" she asked once more, blocking the door where I couldn't leave. She was going to force it out of me, and I just wanted out. I wanted to start over, and it just wasn't happening.
"I'm done," I choked, a single tear forcing itself from my restraints. I felt myself breaking this time. Pushing her aside easily, her own drugs wearing off to reveal how serious I was being, I just barely managed to make it to my car before my emotions took over, forcing all the guilt from me in one painful breakdown. Tears flowed down my cheeks, leaving me gasping for breaths I didn't deserve to be taking.
Feeling my instincts take over, a hateful scowl cut through my tears as I silently cursed myself for everything I had done. My knuckles met the side of my car with a sharp cracking sound, sending a bolt of searing pain through my hand and up my arm. Opening the car door, I started the engine which appeared to growl at my worthless form as if it were a burden to carry me as its host.
The drive home seemed to last forever, my tears never slowing to give me a break to breathe. My right hand, swollen, bloody, and burning with pain, was tightly clenched over my chest, a sharp pain ever growing where my heart should be. I pictured it now, black with sin, dripping with agonized cries that wouldn't seem to vocalize themselves.
Pulling into the dark driveway I called home, I finally gave in and threw open the door, dropping to my knees as my stomach convulsed, needing release from the abnormal amount of pain I was bearing. Another sharp pain in my chest left me laying on my side, the cool grass blowing gently against my cheek, almost carressing my pitiful form. I was breaking down and Shawna didn't even know yet. I bit my lip upon thinking of her. She was everything to me, yet I had taken advantage of the situation while my senses were shrouded in the midst of a numbing high. I knew Shawna would never forgive me for this.
A low vibrating from my phone forced me to reach into my pocket, revealing the illuminated screen with Shawna's name shining into my blurred eyes. I took a deep, painful breath and opened the small phone, my uninjured hand shaking violently. "Shawna.." my voice cracked as I tried to hide my tears.
"I'm sorry," she said softly, her voice shaking with tears. She was sorry? After all I had done, and she was the one that was sorry? My heart ached to hold her and apologize through my tears. I wanted to show her I loved her like I should have been doing from the start. "I know about her," she said softly once more. I could hear the strain in her voice. I longed to just hold her and make things right again.
My voice was caught in my throat, choking the life from me. "Shawna, please," I began, only to stop short with no more words. I had so much to say, so much to apologize for, and the words just wouldn't form past the tears.
"Don't say anything. Listen to me, please." It broke my heart hearing her voice shaking, close to tears if she wasn't crying already. All I wanted was to hold her. I had to fix what I had done. "What did I do wrong?"
"Baby, you didn't-"
"Stop it. Don't say anything," she said harshly, making me flinch as she cut me off violently before I could explain myself. "I thought we were perfect. We had everything. I thought we would last forever, Ashley.." she faded towards the end, saying my name as if it hurt her to even think of it.
"We still can, Shawna," I said, my own tears staining my cheeks with their agony. My chest ached, my breathing now short and raspy. I felt myself beginning to become light-headed from lack of oxygen.
"No, Ashley, we can't." She hesitated for a moment and I heard her voice crack. The sound of her crying made my heart ache for her, longing to embrace her. "Not anymore." And with that, she broke into sobs, not bothering to hide it from my ears any longer.
Upon hearing those words, my heart stopped beating altogether. My tears ceased, the pain in my hand becoming nothing more than a distant ache. The cold night air blew the grass once more, but this time, it wasn't comforting or carrassing. I felt alone, the wind only sending chills through my form, making me feel cold and empty. Without meaning to voice anything, a quiet "baby," escaped my lips, just barely audiable.
"I don't want to be baby," she said, a bit more harsh than I had expected. "I want to be Shawna. The love of your life. Not just another girl to you."
My lips quivered, showing just how vulnerable I really was. "Let me fix this. I love you, Shawna, I swear I do," I said, pleading, pouring my heart and soul into those shaking words. A silence crept between us, making my crying worse with every second that passed.
"I still love you," she finally spoke. A small spark of hope flared in me, and I almost smiled just hearing her say it. "But I find it hard to believe you anymore."
And with that, the line went silent. No sooner than she had hung up on me, another cold gust of air sent a numbing, empty feeling through my veins. The phone fell from my fingers, landing beside my face quietly. The sharp pain flared once more in my chest, stealing my breath from me. Reaching my hand up to my chest, I began to weep once more as I felt the blood from my stiff knuckles run down my fingers, dripping off onto the ground.
I laid there for what seemed like an eternity.
I laid there, and I cried like I had never cried in my entire life.
I had lost her..
_________________
on the actual night I found out, we didn't break up.
I didn't call her. I was texting her.
I was very, very mad. and I was just screaming.
and then I crashed...
and I kept begging her to know what I did wrong.
"I don't want to be baby; I want to be Shawna. I want to be the love of your life. Your one and only. Not another." - those were my exact words.
on the actual night I found out, we didn't break up.
I didn't call her. I was texting her.
I was very, very mad. and I was just screaming.
and then I crashed...
and I kept begging her to know what I did wrong.
"I don't want to be baby; I want to be Shawna. I want to be the love of your life. Your one and only. Not another." - those were my exact words.
