My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in northern
Minnesota were listening to the radio. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street,
so the snowplows can get through"
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park..." Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street
do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who
are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
I'm A Barbie Girl, In A Barbie World ...
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."
The amazed father asks: 'It's how much?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends...
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact that she is much older than
I am.
But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children soon since her age is much greater than mine.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. We plan on farming our
own food and canning it for the winter months. We believe in a natural
child rearing approach for our children and they can help us grow the
marijuana and prepare it for trade. We would like to home-school them as
well and let them learn our family's way of life. All academic subjects can
be learned at home incorporating our family values into our life's work with
the marijuana.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm
sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son,
John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to
come home.
young boy went to his father and asked,
'What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?'
The father answered,
'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you have learned'
So the boy went to his mother and asked,
'Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for one million dollars?'
The mother replied,
'Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!'
Then the boy went to his sister and asked,
'Would you sleep with Sean 'Puffy' Combs for one million dollars?'
The girl replied,
'Oh my gosh! I'd be nuts to pass that up!'
The boy thought about it and went back to his dad.
His father asked him if he'd found out the difference between potentially and realistically.
The boy replied,
'Yes. Potentially we're sitting on two million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two hoes'
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not t o smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
THE HUSBAND HAD JUST FINISHED READING A NEW BOOK
ENTITLED, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.
HE STORMED TO HIS WIFE IN THE KITCHEN AND ANNOUNCED,'FROM NOW ON, YOU
NEED TO KNOW THAT I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND MY WORD IS LAW.
YOU WILL PREPARE ME A GOURMET MEAL TONIGHT, AND WHEN I'M FINISHED
EATING MY MEAL, YOU WILL SERVE ME A SUMPTUOUS DESSERT. AFTER DINNER,
YOU ARE GOING TO GO UPSTAIRS WITH ME AND WE WILL HAVE THE KIND NIGHT
THAT I WANT. AFTERWARDS, YOU ARE GOING TO DRAW ME A BATH SO I CAN
RELAX. YOU WILL WASH MY BACK AND TOWEL ME DRY AND BRING ME MY ROBE.
THEN, YOU WILL MASSAGE MY FEET AND HANDS. THEN TOMORROW, GUESS
WHO'S GOING TO DRESS ME AND COMB MY HAIR? THE WIFE REPLIED, ' THE
FUNERAL DIRECTOR WOULD BE MY FIRST GUESS
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on
his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way t o bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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