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Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of Earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an eagle." Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, "I want to be an owl." Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, "Oh s**t ..."


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Forest Gump had a near-death experience that changed him forever. He went horseback riding one day and everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get any worse, his foot became caught in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bounce harder as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness ... a thoughtful K-Mart manager came out and pulled the plug.


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A bad person dies and is greeted by Saint Peter. Peter tells the man he must choose between three hells.

The first hell is very hot and he sees a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell is freezing cold and he sees people shivering and clamoring. In the third hell, he sees people standing in s**t up to their waist but they look quite happy. They are drinking a cup of coffee and are chatting with each other. So the bad person says to Peter, "I choose the third hell with all the people standing in s**t up to their waist."

So Peter admits the bad person to the third hell. He gets a cup of coffee and feels quite comfortable. Suddenly he hears a beep from a loud speaker that says, "Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. It's time to stand on your head now."


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I recently bought one of those bracelets that has the words "What would Jesus do?" engraved on it. So now, any time I get into a difficult situation, I can look at my bracelet and remember to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?"

The next day, I was in a movie theater and some jerk's cell phone goes off. He starts talking really loud on it and at some point I couldn't take it anymore so I yelled at him to shut up. When he turned around and told me to shove it, I jumped out of my chair and was ready to cave his head in. But then my bracelet caught my attention and I remembered, "What would Jesus do in this situation?"

So I lit him on fire and threw him in hell.


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After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.

"I don't understand," he complained to God. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."

"Our policy here in heaven is to reward results," God explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"

"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."

"Exactly," said God, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed."


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Two men died and went to heaven. God greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied God, and POOF! The guy was gone.

"And what do you want to be," God asked the other guy.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.

"Easy," replied God, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and God sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"


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There were three men who died and before God would let them into heaven, God gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter."

So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter."

So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter."
So God made him a woman.