Oh man... I'm hurting bad... I feel like someone's taken all the old scars on my heart and ripped them off. It is profound and the urge to break down and sob uncontrollably is almost to much to bare... I feel so worthless, and at the same time like I shouldn't feel worthless, but that I don't have any reason to think that I shouldn't feel worthless because I would be denying the truth. I can't decide what to think! This is to much for even me to take... I have no idea what to do. I've had one person actually tell me, "get a new girlfriend", as if it where so easy. I've tried ya know? I actually slept with this girl the other day. I did myself proud, and apparently it wasn't right. I haven't heard from her since then. I had thought there was more to what we did then just sex, but she apparently didn't think so, and the fact is that everyone I've talked to agrees that I was just an idiot and should have known that was all she wanted. How can I be that way?
Madison would understand what I'm trying to say, but she doesn't want anything to do with me. The fact is I don't know why! I don't know what I did! I tried so hard to make her happy! I did everything right! I listened. I treated her like a queen. I got her gifts. I offered her forever! I told her I loved her and made sure that she knew by my words and my actions both! I tried my best to be a friend and a lover and even more all at once, but it wasn't enough! How worthless my best efforts turned out to be. And they always do! I always do better, but it's never enough! I thought for sure that we where perfect. It was so easy for me to be everything she needed because what she needed was what I already was.
What is wrong with me? Am I that terrible!? Right when I really started to give her everything inside of me and tell myself I had made the best choice of my life, she left. Now what am I supposed to do!? Why does it still hurt this much!? Why!? Why does everything come back to HER!!!???
And then my old submissive... a girl I know I screwed up with, and still love deep down... A girl who betrayed me, but who I betrayed as well... She sent me a message and those emotions where dredged up... Her message was beautiful and she was so humble... I'm torn to pieces... I can't stand it!
My emotional life is like a tornado of broken glass raging around my heart, cutting deeply everywhere! My normal life is in ruins too! Everything is going wrong at once! When Madison came into my life, everything had started to get better. I was doing better and better. I was working two jobs, and happy to do so because it meant that I would soon be able to afford the ring I promised her. I was going to buy it in the next month. But instead of being able to buy her a ring, she left me and I lost all the work of over a year of love. All of this makes me really feel this song she told me about. I never really liked it until after she left. After that I ended up hearing it and not stopping it because it made me think of her. I was desperate for anything that connected me to her. Now the chorus is playing and I feel the words.
I wanna swim away but don't know how,
Sometimes I feel just like I'm falling in the ocean.
Let the waves up, take me down,
let the hurricane set in motion ya,
Let the rain of what I feel right now come down.
Let the rain come down.
I don't know what else to say...
Aslanemperor Community Member 
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