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Heya people.

~_~ Anyway, this weekend is horrible I don't think I've ever cried this much before.

Alicia the love of my life... she... well.... I don't even know if shes still alive TT _TT...


She logged out without saying goodbye... We didn't have a fight.... she was depressed and she cut herself to the point I screamed at her to phone the hospital and she said no.

I would phone her but I still have yet to find my voice. I talked to my mom but that was because I had to.

*sigh* Anyway, This will be a goodbye if she doesn't log on in a few days. I don't know what I'll do. I cant kill myself, I cant put my mom and sister through that.

I did cut my wrist. but before you say oh your such a emo. Before i did that I fell to the floor crying. I tried to get up only to fall back down again, I stayed on the ground for about 10 min just crying. if you were watching me you would swear I was dieing.

Maybe I am dieing who knows. All I know is that I'm going to be alone again if Alicia is gone.



Talk to me if you like about this, I don't care anymore *sighs* I'm still wearing the ring... through all of that I'm still wearing it.... The ring that binds me to her.

I have this silver ring that I said I would never take off unless it hurt or I was having a shower. Because I don't want to lose it in the shower.


*sigh* I don't think I'm ganna bother to take it off during the showers... and I'm not going to take her pictures out of my planer either.


If she is gone which I hope to anything and everything that she isn't, I might take myself out of school and go to a metal hospital like my aunt did... *shakes head* I don't think I could live with myself if shes gone.

Whenever I think about life without her I just cry... I've had my heard broken 5 times or maybe 4 I lost track but its nothing compared to losing the person you love. Even if she did break up with me I'd still feel like this.

I just wish I could make her happy... I just want her to be happy.... And I just want to be with her. thats all i ask. Thats all I want from this life. Just to be by her side at least once and have her be happy....



I am crying while writing this but thats just because I miss her already its been maybe a few min and I miss her... I didn't even say goodbye or goodnight to her....

She said it was just a matter of time before she died... Anyway... I'm going to go to bed if I can.... I dont want to think how much I'm going to cry....

*shakes head* I cut myself once and i will not do it again. unless shes gone... if shes gone then I want to make a scar on my hand.... a Never Forget type thing...

I still think she holds my heart. that were together always even though were so far apart. I don't even want to think about the dream I'm ganna have..... I wounder if I'll scream in my sleep. Anyway good night people I'll be here waiting for her as long as i can... But my friend is coming over.... I wish he wasn't.... I cant cry in front of him.... So i wont be online tomorrow. only if I'm up before noon...










Good night. This is not a farewell at all you'll see me again.

*trys to smile*

My Life,

If my heart stops beating,
While I lay asleep.

I pray you will stay content to know I loved you till the end,
My pieces of life finally at a peace.

Though life is hard,
always know,
nothing will mend a broken heart.
Its a wound that never heals.

There will always be someone that can take away the pain.
They will be there when you need them.

Family and friends are the last defenses before your demise
If your angel is gone.

My angel is missing,
she left on a crimson tide,

wearing a bracelet of reddish gold.

Swelling eyes and streams of tears form.
covering you in a sorrow.

Forgetting all those around you,
you find you cant see to do anything,

I will be here always waiting..
You might see me or not
But I will be here.

Always waiting for you to sign on to my life.
Listening to the song that makes sense of this.

This Lullaby of internal slumber.
Our song, the only song.
I feel my eye lids beginning to close,

Being pulled into a vase darkness unknown.
screaming in pain to find no voice of my own.

I sit here in this dark room.
Eyes swelling and Streams of tears forming.
Thinking of my angel.

My angel that has taken a wrong turn.
Taken a turn to a whirlpool
trying to get out.

I offer help to find I cannot
This distance suffers a penalty
No matter what I do.
It seems to stay the same.

We may live on diffrent Provence's of life,
But one thing is the same.

This unconditional love.
This love that never ends.

This love that continues to last even after were gone.
This love ever grows to people and speards like a fire of life.

Love is what will save you.
Love is what you need.
Love is the only thing that will keep you from a lone darkend room.
Love is what I need.
Love is what you need.

Love is the thing, that makes life worth living.


-------------------------------------

I hope you enjoyed the poem I am now going to lay on my bed. I love you Alicia, I love everyone that has been kind to me.

My angel if your gone I'm sure I'll see you soon enough.

As long as I have this ring I will find you.

In the after life, this life, this world or the next.



I'll be on msn on the last day of the weekend. if you want to talk, heres my Email:

Darkstarlightstar@hotmail.com Please use it if you need to, I've been through a lot and I will help you regardless of what I am at the time.

If you need me you'll notice I'll be on almost 24/7 waiting for my angel. and The rest of my life.

PS: I ended up smiling after finishing writing this, I am going to be alright at least until I know if shes gone or not.