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Jots of Randomness
story intro final?
I think this will do for a rough draft for and intro tell me what you think and send to others.


He walked onward. The frigid snowy air cooled his heated skin. He like d the tingling sensation it brought to his senses. He looked back and remembered town far down the valley. The path behind him was untouched except by his foot prints. He stopped and sat down on the grass by a rock where the snow hadn’t fallen. He curled himself into a ball and looked around. His pointed ears perked up. He drew his sword and slowly got up. A figure appeared from behind the rock. It had a hood over its head and a knife in each hand. They stood and looked at each other waiting for the other to move. The snow began to fall faster and soon they were becoming covered in snow. After a long time only two tall mounds of snow stood. One burst open and in return the other did also. The sword and knives clashed. And both stumbled backwards. The figured threw something at him and something at the ground. The first object blew up and the other dissolved into thin air and formed a thick smoke. He blacked out. He snapped back into reality and realized that he was curled up in a ball like he was before. He relaxed and let his head rest on the rock next to him. After a few moments of rest he tried to get up but fell. He was bleeding out of his stomach a small piece of metal was in him with a note tied to it. It said not to pull it out or it would excrete a poison into him. He looked around him trying to see if his attacker was still around. He turned over on to his back and lied there to think about what he should do. He finally got up and started to walk toward the town below him. After finding a shrub he made himself a makeshift toboggan and slid from time to time to rest his legs. At the outskirts of the town he called and a boy ran up to him. The boy pulled the toboggan into his father’s barn and tried to help the man. The man refused help but asked if he could get him some cloth, a bottle of alcohol, and a glass. The boy ran back into his house where he found himself alone. He looked around strangely and got the item the man asked for. The man told the boy that he needed him to go into his house and wait an hour. The boy unsure of what to do finally returned to his house. The boy lay upon his bed waiting for the hour to pass.

The boy woke up to a noise of the door opening down stairs. He jumped out of his bed and went to the top of the stairs the door was still open he walked down the stairs hoping to find his mom and dad. He closed the door and felt a cool sensation on the back of his neck. The boy froze in place. A hooded figure stood behind him with a knife to the boy’s neck. The figure leaned in close to the boy and looked at the side of his face. The figure raised its other knife to strike the boy down. As the hand came down the door flung open and a sword protruded from the white winter air outside. The man with his sword blocked the blow and parried the knife away. The figure crouched low and hissed. The man grabbed the awe struck boy by the shirt and threw him outside. The man held his sword vertical to the attacker’s body. The hooded figure removed its hood and revealed a woman. The man took off the shield on his back and fastened it to his forearm. The two fighters looked at each other and stared menacingly at each other. The woman raised her arm swiftly and brought it back down throwing the same mysterious items she had thrown before. The man quickly pulled out of his shield a lit bomb. He ran at her before the smoke gathered and dropped it at her. He flew over her out of a window into the powdery snow. A massive explosion appeared out of the house. The man rolled over and looked at the house searching for any sign of the woman. He stood up and brushed the snow off of himself. His body suddenly lurched and blood spilled out onto the ground. The woman stood behind him with both of her arms into his back. She pulled out her knives and watched the man fall onto his pool of blood. She went up to him and kicked him over onto his back. She knelt on top of him letting her head drop close to his. She looked into the dieing man’s eyes as they slowly began to fade into a glassy stare. She keeled over next to him gasping for air and groaning in pain. The grimace on her face slowly faded as she died with an arrow through her neck. The boy stumbled over with tears in his eyes with a bow in hand and knelt next to the man. The man looked at the boy and motioned for him to come closer. The boy leaned farther to the man. The man looked at him and said, “Thank you”. He propped himself up painfully and said, “I want you to have my sword and shield and everything that I have because you have saved me from having to sacrifice my life to kill that wretch”; he motioned to the woman with his head. “Take it or will you dishonor me by letting me die without a successor”. The boy nodded and unlatched the sword and shield form the man’s back. The boy helped the man inside to enjoy the last remaining moments of his life in front of a warm fire. The boy sorted the personal belongings the man into a small chest. The boy and the man sat and conversed till the boy fell asleep in the chair across form man. The man with benevolence carried the boy onto a pile of hay and placed his outer clothing on top of the boy as a blanket. The man lay in front of the fire and peacefully died.



I need criticizem so give it to me!!!!!!






User Comments: [6]
Sorceress_Wendy
Community Member





Sat Dec 13, 2008 @ 04:00pm


Well, besides the fact that it was depressing, I thought it was good. ^.^ You should definitely continue it!

The only thing is that it might be better to separate more parts of the story into smaller paragraphs so it could be easier to read. Other than that, it's awesome.


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BlackBou
Community Member





Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 01:02am


I agree with Onion. Seperate the paragraphs more and possibly nararate it more. Give us a little more detail about the man, Why are his ears pointed? Is he an elf? Shouldn't he know the name of his succesor before he dies and bless him? Halso, if he's dieing, how did he manage to carry the boy to a bed of hay?(are they in a barn or did the house not blow up?)

Also possibly some more info on the woman. Why was she after him? failed relationship or did he refuse to join her(or her master's) side? give more physical decriptions on both, height, weight, hair, eyes...... OH! a town name/ country/world/ continent/ etc. would be good as well. i also think you could draw out the battle a little longer.

It was good as an over view but personalize the characters more. Make us want to pick a side. Make us feel for the characters, have the man spend a few days with the boy before hand to show a small relationship, like he already planed to have him as a apprintence/succesor. How old is the boy? The woman? The man?

I think you should continue but keep what I said in mind.
Is the woman going to come back so the boy can avenge the man? or posible suduce him and cause him to waver from his path?


jad1942
Community Member





Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 03:24am


To the critics:
its an intro its supposed to raise questions this is not the beginnig of the story really this is eighter a middle of ending (mostlikely an ending). so ok yes i need more detail but i want you to continue reading so if this was the first page of the book would you continue reading or would you put it down and read Twilight for the 40th time in a row (exaggeration give me some slack). I'll plan on adding characters into it but i'll show you the outline sketch thing some time.


BlackBou
Community Member





Sun Dec 14, 2008 @ 07:45pm


sorry but I'd probablly put the book down. I get that it's an intro but ..... just a little more detail......


Sorceress_Wendy
Community Member





Wed Jan 14, 2009 @ 08:13pm


I would keep reading, but namely because I try not to judge books by their first few pages.

Just work on grammar, punctuation, paragraph separating, and wording, and you'll get better in no time! heart


krystalknight21
Community Member





Sat Feb 21, 2009 @ 08:41am


wow lol


User Comments: [6]
 
 
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