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I'm not going into details cuz its still feels too personal although I did spill my guts the other day... mostly out of pure pent up anger and betrayal. Now the storm has subsided and the numbness has set in to where hurt or happiness doesn't manifest itself in my heart. For that I'm glad it gives me a chance to think more clearly though their are bubbles of spite and anger still ebbing around in corners its not enough to really sway me.
I guess I have a lot of searching to do. After much apologizing and other statements of love and reconcilation by my ex. I have to decide whether to believe he is truly sincere. What I have come up with is that I won't be jumping back into the same relationship because One its gone that was destroyed when he decided not to work it out with me and started making decisions on his own. Second it wasn't healthy for one I made him top priority instead of loving him as I love myself I loved him more. Which is something I need to work out for myself I realize now I don't love myself like I should and now with this down time I'm going to start though I'm not exactly sure how ...
All I know is that I won't put up with the same things I did before I won't just sit back and take things when I don't have too. I'm a human being who deserves respect. I give it and I damn well deserve it and if I don't then see ya cuz I know there is someone out there who will.
I've seem to veered off course that last part was mostly for myself I guess but I've decided that friendship should be the aim right now. I have to give myself time to forgive and evaluate how much I gave in the past and how much not to give in the future so if things were to go to the next level again and I got hurt I wouldn't be destroyed as I was this time.
There is one sure thing I know I won't cry or get angry if we do get back together some time in the future and he hurts me I will only have myself to blame because I decided to give him a second chance. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
I think I can live with that because I chose to.
I don't know if any of this makes since but it feels good to get out...
Hope everyone is having a good time and I can't wait to get drunk on NewYears!