I'm tired, but I cannot seem to bring myself to rest. I feel that I am wasting time when I sleep, as if being awake and on my computer is doing something with my life.
I've been feeling worse and worse about myself as the days pass. I am never okay with my body.....but try as i might, I gained unnecessary weight back. I am now back at 118, and while that may not seem like a lot, it is a terrible amount to me. I was so proud of my 113. 8 is so much ******** bigger than 3. And I can see it...Everyone scoffs and says I've gained nothing, but that is because I know how to hide it from everyone. Fitting pants and a baggy shirt can go a long way.
So I'm trying to do what I can....Eating out less, or when I do, it's Subway. Having only a few fries, a few chips, that I am offered. Jumping on my Moosey friend's back and just clinging for dear life--that works the arms. Attacking my Fairy friend--running around enough works everything. Maybe with my paychecks I can buy a bike...if the bunny items are not too far out of my budget...Anything that can possibly help me to get to what I need while keeping my finger out of my throat(*shall I not pay for that comment?*). I'm trying....It's a wonder I haven't either swollen to the size of a mammoth, or shrunken to the size of a mere skeleton, with the stress I'm under these days. I don't know what's going to become of that....I just want to be able to attempt to control one of the few things I actually have control over.
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Your surroundings are not healthy. Your boys tend to eat like... Well, teenage boys. And you walk a lot less since Alex carts you around everywhere. It's not your fault, your physical needs just aren't being provided for aside from hugs and kisses. And I don't see it. The weight you say you've put on. You are still the most beautiful thing this world has to offer me or anyone else around you. You are a warm, passionate individual. Don't let it get you down, don't let it ruin you. That's what you can control, your circumstances are rather out of your control- I doubt you can trade the boys' Doritos for broccoli and Alex's car for you all to have nice bikes. This isn't in as much of your control as you think it is. You would have to stop eating altogether for you to truly have control, you're surrounded by boys who's metabolism kicks the s**t out of a girl's any day. Hey- I'm serious. It's your surrounding's fault, not yours that you feel this way. But your feelings are ill-placed. You can't do anything to yourself or look any way to you that isn't the most aestheically pleasing thing in the world.
I love you, and I just wish that you could see yourself through my eyes for even a second. You'd be astounded at how you sparkle and glow when any light finds its way to your skin. And you'd remain positively motionless if you ever felt what a crippling drug your voice is to me. You would love yourself for that second, more than anything you ever have. You would never want to let that moment go, and you would remember yourself as this non-worldly being, obviously separated from everything and everyone else. You would be so conceited because you'd know that you are truly perfect, even if only through my eyes. So I just wish you could see yourself how I see you. None of your problems with yourself would matter anymore. You'd know then exactly what your smile does to me, you'd have to hold onto something to keep from toppling over from the weight of its beauty. You are perfect. I love you too much for you to logically hate yourself. You are too beautiful for you to logically hate yourself, in every sense of the word.
One day I will run my fingers down the sides of your torso all the way to your hips and you will know what it means. It will be a thank you for being so perfect, and letting me experience this borderline unreal beauty in my life. You are everything that is perfect and flawless to me. It is only within yourself that you have hate towards how you look. Do you know why you're so perfect? Because the love I have for you is in such an immense quantity and its quality is so fine, it will one day cancel out all the hate you hold for yourself inside you like it has for me. I love you more than you could ever hate yourself.