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Maybe if I was able to figure out why I cling to these habits so much I would be able to chip away yet another shell from over my heart. Since it is so hard for me to even comprehend what could possibly motivate me to be such a person, I foolishly hope that maybe hypnosis or some other "magic" technique could help me. It's so hard to escape that you feel like there is an endless staircase that should lead to your castle but it only leads on and on further into this darkness. It gets harder to run in control of yourself so you trip a few times and stumble or tumble down a few flights. Bruiese and scratches are the only proof you have that you didn't run for nothing.

People who hurt themselves don't usually WANT to hurt themselves. Often times they just want to know that they are there, that what is happening is indeed real. Some other people just need that physical pain to represent or take on the pain of their emotional burden. Those are the only two that I am really aware of. I am sure there are more. It's ironic how true some things in movies are. Do you realize that once you start thinking about death, however fleeting the initial thought is it sticks in your head. It comes back rewinding and pausing, fast forwarding and playing on and on again. You think it's nothing but then it steadily increases and almost anything seems able to set the thoughts spinning faster and faster.

The rain is so important. So very important to me now. It has been since as long as I can remember. Back in third grade I used to pray and make little ceremonies so that it would rain. I would sing and dance, wishing with all my might upon the starlit sky. I suppose now I see it another light. I know that the rain falls around the world at different times and because of climate. I know that it doesn't revolve around me but it reaches deep into my soul. I don't know how many other people can really say that is true for them so I personalize the rain. After all, the rain is a gift and a curse amoung each and every one of us. I have not been very good recently. I sleep a lot more and eat a lot less. I almost ate nothing yesterday and today. I can feel the energy flow out of my body and swirl around me with potential. I can only keep it inside of me with a few nourishments. Now I eat grapes or drink and drink and drink to keep my strength up at least to get to a nap time.

When I look at myself I keep seeing things I know are not true but they are in my mind. People say it's strange how others can see such distorted views of themselves but this is almost the same as saying you don't see how a person can see themself as ugly but to a much higher degree. I don't have the luster I could have. I feel so wide, like a circus mirror is following me around constantly. Then when I do look good width wise I look like a total whore. There is no middle group so I throw on a hat and wrap a scarf around my face. Let it cover these dried up lips. I slide on gloves to hide the wrinkles and lines all over my aged hands. I'll wear boots all the time and make myself shorter. This way the splendor is gone forever. What I feel is what you'll see. If I ever feel pretty again I'll just remain stained. I will always hae beauty and remain stunned by elegance. I admire and wish to attain a piece of that heavenly essence. Oh elegance, my love, my sweet. One day.

I realize how depressing this entry must sound but really I just need to think about these things again. I get so scared sometimes that I will forget all of this. That I would foget about change or these things I have experienced. I don't ever want to forget. I don't ever want to lose this connection. I treasure my past, every moment. Even the moments that make me cry. I still remember the random moments like when I landed on my back from trying to skip too many bars on the monkey bars. All my breath was gone and life stopped. It was like PAUSE. Brilliant. I still remember the DARE program or raising butterflies and watching them spin off into the light. I even remember the little boy I liked who died in First grade. One day I will forget. My memory will tarnish but really, I will never stop cherishing them. Just because you cannot remember does not mean you have to stop loving or caring about it. You can still feel something you don't know.

"Don't cry." "Please, please don't cry."

I have this idea that I know would take a long time and would scare a lot of people but it might be a nice release. I think I should decorate my room's walls with drawings. I scared the s**t outta a couple people in my Oceanography class by drawing these outragous pictures on my index cards. I drew a half faced person where one half was pleasant and normal. The other half had burn scarred skin and the eyes had black outsides instead of white. The mouth was filled in black. Like I said my drawings have gotten darker for doodles. It makes it harder for me to allow myself to draw at all. My characters are easy to draw but anything else is just chancy.

I love sleep but I ... I don't know. I think I... just don't want to be alone.