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What was the point in this...um oh well maybe ill just empty out my heart. Im worried I feel like everything is wrong with me (personality wise) its like I screw everything up. Ive been fed so many lies by friends,my father, and just about everyone to the point where my mind rattles everytime someone is mad at me.

Just now for instance (8:50pm.April 6,monday,2009) My bestest friend got mad at me (I only have 2 in this whole earth) and the second I knew that my mind clouded,my blood boiled,my head spinned, I shivered and twitched and Its like I lost control of myself, my sanity and everything that is good. I guess what the real problem is im afraid of how I look to other people. Maybe im crazy, ive been told that so many times I start to believe it. Ive been told im selfish and self sentered and fat and annoying.

So many times that I believe it all so that worries me. It worries me how people see me and not my looks but just my personality. What am I? I always hate myself because I think im just wrong in any case I feel like...ugh its not even a word to describe. Its like when you do something terrible like kill a person and you have extreme fear,guilt or anxiety. There we go. I fiddle,twitch and shiver and if you get deep enough you can keep me from sleeping. If you know me youve probably heard me say "Im tired but I dont want to sleep" its probably because 1) Something is bothering me and I dont want to sleep until its gone
2) I have nightmares or
3) because sleep is the only time where I dont feel anything and I want to feel everything because I know I deserve it
OH well it could just be the depression talking or once again maybe im just crazy. Guess ill never know. Farewell.